Finding themselves without a red carpet home after their deal with TV Guide Network went south, Joan and Melissa Rivers are still pressing forward with their catty Oscar fashion quips on a site called And they're not letting their Siberian spot in cyberspace stop them from dishing out their trademark red carpet digs, which span the range from who "should be locked away" (Julie Christie) to who they believe spent "hours covered in leeches to get that pale" (Anne Hathaway). But that's not the half of it. After the jump, find out who Joan thinks looks like they were "gift-wrapped at Macy's" and who "ain't gonna score tonight."

Among Joan's finest gems from this podcast:
- "I forgive Katherine Heigl for being so boring on Grey's Anatomy."
- "Johnny Depp is 4'3"."
- Daniel Day Lewis's wife Rebecca Miller looks like she was "gift-wrapped at Macy's."
- "I thought we'd see Hannah's Montana."
- Jessica Alba was "dressed like Barney."
- Nicole Kidman has had so much botox (ahem, Joan?) that she's "hired a young Guatemalan woman to smile for her."
- Viggo Mortensen looks like a "homeless man who walked in by mistake."
- Ellen Page: "Unlike her character in Juno, she ain't gonna score tonight."
- John Travolta "is a chia pet."

And finally, she reserved her harshest criticism for Oscar winner Diablo Cody: "[she] looks like a walking ad for a battered women's shelter."