The last time we saw Screech, he was waving a dildo around on Celebrity Fit Club. The time before that? It was in his self-released sex tape. With a resume like that, you'd think that Dustin Diamond's next gig would be as a jizzmopper at The Cathouse or something. But you'd be wrong. In what will surely go down as one of the most mocked marketing decisions of this still young year, Screech was just signed to be the pitchman of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
As explained in this email blast sent to Defamer HQ, the rationale for the campaign is as follows: "We've all done things that in hindsight, we should have known better about. Celebrities, more than anyone, wish they could make their bloopers and blunders disappear. Well, two high-profile names are now fessing up to their mistakes! Gary Coleman and Dustin Diamond now know better and are admitting their faux-pas to the world in online video confessionals." Um, okay? Other than the fact that this graf contains the phrase "now know better" (the new slogan for I.C.B.I.N.B), we still don't know what any of this has to do with butter-substitute. While we understood and applauded your casting of Fabio as your former pitchman (even to this day, he remains the gold standard and go-to-guy when you want to visually represent the abstract concept of escapist housewife fantasies), it's hard to think of a worse pitchman for a product that is primarily sold to weight-conscious women than a scat-obsessed misogynist. Next time, why not just hire O.J. Simpson and Scott Peterson and call it a day?