• Jimmy Kimmel is fucking Ben Affleck, Elizabeth Banks is fucking Seth Rogen, and Sam Zell is fucking everyone.
  
• Barack Obama wore a turban, and an apron, and Matt Drudge said Hillary Clinton tried to make it an issue but instead he made her making it an issue the issue, and everyone debated many things, like shoes, ships, sealing wax, cabbages, and whether Drudge is still the king of the media.
  
• Drudge responded by suggesting that he is the king of England when he personally rescued Prince Harry from Afghanistan.
  
• Nick Denton remained the king of The Revolving Door.
  
• The Oscars happened and we made some bullet points!
  
• Starbucks closed for a couple minutes and every media outlet on Earth freaked out. We were no exception.
  
• Everyone was mean to children.
  
• Conservative talkin' guy William F. Buckley died, everyone trotted out their favorite polysyllabic words. We remembered him as a dick, but a funny dick.
  
• Bloggers: gotta catch 'em all!
  
• We are all Julia Allison now. So: happy birthday to us! Our party was kind of sad :(
  
• Tiny Town Mayor Michael Bloomberg isn't running for president, but he has lots of suggestions for people who are, on account of how great he is at managing his dysfunctional corporation.
  
• Anderson Cooper might someday leave his invisible closet, maybe.
  
• There was a New York Media Slapfight!
  
• Tim Gunn is sad.
  
• Feel free to browse our top stories and the day's most popular items, and click on as many things as possible so that you may enrich us while we sleep.

Send an email to Alex Pareene, the author of this post, at alexp@gawker.com.