In Alpha Chimp's Absence, Tribe Turns to Beta ChimpS

"I am ashamed of myself but in JA's absence, I have become obsessed with her 'friend' [Mary Rambin]," writes in a tipster. "Sixteen blog posts today!! do with this what you will ... and send someone here to kill me. I can't believe I've been sucked into caring about these people. But I care! Oh how I care!!!" Do not fret! Because you are not the first person to start sending in tips about Julia Allison's handbag-designer-or-whatever friend Mary since Julia stopped blogging. It's normal. It only proves researchers right: chimps have long enjoyed looking at photographs of the dominant chimps in their tribe. "I know it seems like I'm [Julia's] lady in waiting," Mary blogs. No, it seems like you are the appointed beta female. Why can't we look away? Because we're all just chattering monkeys, and recognizing hubris is good for group dynamics.

Due to her arbitrarily decided dominant position, Mary feels she is in the position to hand out advice, mistakenly imagining herself as some sort of role model:

HEALTH AND FITNESS ARE IMPORTANT ELEMENTS NOT ONLY TO STYLE BUT ALSO TO YOU WELL-BEING. Try pushing yourself a little today (whatever that means for you) and see if you feel a difference afterwards. Betcha you're smiling :)
Also, restaurant reviews: talking about the finer food that the less-connected chimps cannot eat, and then disparaging it (flinging it out of the tree, if you will):
Heft just got home and I asked her how dinner with David was last night at Bouley, one of NYC's most respected restaurants. Before I could finish my question, her voice raised 20 decibels as she proclaimed "AWFUL MARY JUST AWFUL"

The highlights of her rant:

* "the atmosphere was like a funeral home"
* "my appetizer tasted like cat food....I thought it would be beautiful, melt on my tongue slices of veal!"
* "the amuse bouche was like drinking ocean water it was so salty"
* "the $200 bottle of wine tasted like cough syrup"
* "his app was two pieces of lettuce and some nasty green ball"
* "my meat looked like a dead animal"

I just jumped up and down on my desk. Now you try! It'll make you feel much better.