Coffee Tragedy: Starbucks Fails To Achieve Total Brain PenetrationA distressing new survey reveals that last month's Day Without A Starbucks—when the friendly coffee conglomerate closed for three hours in a gaudy PR stunt that placed the Olsen Twins in mortal peril—was a failure. While three quarters of all consumers knew that the closing happened, not even half knew why the closing took place [Ad Age]. Do you?

If you said, "In order to train employees to provide better customer service and a more consistent quality of coffee beverages for me, the consumer, to enjoy," then congratulations. This is supposedly the correct answer.

If you said "Maybe to talk about the outbreak of hand herpes among the workers?" then you really need to start getting your news from media outlets of a higher caliber.

Pissed at the news, Starbucks threw a tantrum, dropping "Happy Planet" as a juice partner and signing on with fellow soulless corporate behemoth Pepsi instead [Vancouver Sun]. "We hate happy things," said Starbucks in my imagination.