Maybe this Anthony Pellicano trial isn't as hopelessly bereft of A-list manure-flinging as we had initially thought. Just a day after Garry Shandling's bitterly frank testimony about former manager Brad Grey—which so riled the Paramount Emperor that the planned The Love Guru ice cream social was cancelled with a company-wide e-mail instructing staffers to, "Go enjoy a cup of Garry Shandling's steaming, fudge-covered horseshit instead"—comes something even better: A tape, which prosecutors say was made by Pellicano and obtained by The Huffington Post, containing a 31-minute conversation between Chris Rock and the private investigator. Rock secured Pellicano's services after the then-separated comedian engaged in a brief fling with what he describes as "a girl with big tits and white pants" back in 1998, who then turned around and accused him of rape. (Interesting side note: He took her to a dinner party at Guy Oseary's house attended by Madonna and Elisabeth Shue!) The charges were ultimately found to be bogus, and were never officially filed.
But at the time of the recording, the threat was clear and present, and listening to it now allows us for the first time to become privy to Pellicano's legendary, counter-"lying scumbag, manipulating cocksucker" tactics. Over the course of the conversation, they cover the logistics of the case (Rock "probably came on her ass," but Pellicano instructs him to "change your story now, that you came on her leg,"), Pellicano repeatedly calls Rock his "honey," and "babe," and apologizes to take a moment to "scream at my secretary." If you've got half-an-hour to kill, we highly recommend sitting through the entire thing, but we've included the best snippet—in which Pellicano pledges to "blacken this girl up for you left and right," as a distraught Rock laments, "Once you get accused of rape you are just fucked...I'm better getting caught with fucking needles in my arm,"—above.