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Admit it: you don't really hate The Hills. I mean, why would you? Yes, the real-people-in-fake-situations MTV phenomenon (which starts a new season on Monday) is profoundly shallow and vapid, not to mention potentially damaging to the young girls who look to the show for guidance on how to navigate their emerging womanhood and find only rhinestones and an empty cocktail glass. So no, I don't think 12-year-olds should be watching it. But for us, discerning and intelligent adults who maybe like to watch a soap every now and again (or, even, got a giddy thrill out of the more salacious parts of August: Osage County), The Hills is masterfully crafted, beautifully shot arch melodrama. You bring me the best of Richard Brinsley Sheridan, and I'll show you its parallel on The Hills. It's a picture of self-involvement and social anxieties that could be seen as representing the minds and experiences of many young people, only writ large and ludicrous. So you don't hate it, you just don't understand it yet. You're not caught up, you don't know the ins and outs of what's happened to our sun-melted friends in Los Angeles, lo (Lo!) these many years. I've provided a summary after the jump, with links to video of the most recent season. Give it a chance. If you don't like it, I'll shut up.
In the beginning, Lauren "LC" Conrad (possibly smart, oddly melancholy) migrated to Los Angeles from Laguna Beach (both the MTV show and the actual town Orange County town) to pursue a career in fashion design. She brought along her best friend, Heidi Montag, whom she'd met during her one semester of college in San Francisco. The pair moved into a lovely, fancy apartment complex and got right down to the hard business of meeting boys and patently ignoring work responsibilities. Heidi got an entry level job at a PR firm, while Lauren took an internship at Teen Vogue, a magazine exactly as prestigious as Ranger Rick. While at the internship, Lauren befriend the criminally underutilized Whitney Port, a mysterious (or probably just dim) blond master of facial expressions. In the first season, Heidi dated some forgettable dude, Whitney didn't do much of anything, a couple of other friends popped up once in a while (Lauren "Lo" Bosworth, from back in Laguna, and Audrina "Look I have breasts!" Patridge, most often), and Lauren dated Jason Wahler (also from Laguna Beach), a drunk, cheating forty-seven-year-old Greek merchant with a secret family living in Fresno. OK, that's not true. Except for the drunk and cheating part. At the end of the season, Lauren passed up the opportunity to continue her internship in Paris to instead shack up in a beach house with dopey old Jason.
In the second season, things began to pick up; the situations getting more and more staged, thanks in large part to the Machiavellian, camera savvy Spencer Pratt. After escaping from the Mattel toy factory, Pratt latched himself onto Brody Jenner, the nefarious Brandon Davis-lite socialite son of athlete Bruce Jenner. The two palled around Los Angeles with their pussy posse (spearheaded, it would seem, by club promoter Frankie Delgado.) Then, as if some act of carefully market-tested and thoroughly planned kismet, Spencer and Brody met Heidi and Lauren, and sparks flew. Much of this happened off-camera, so we were sort of plopped into the middle of Heidi and Spencer's courtship (though, Lauren and Brody had a little thing in the first season, I believe. So we knew a bit about him.) Anyway, Spencer is instantly recognized as a bit of cad when he appears to be "macking on" Audrina as well. That story line fizzled soon enough (Audrina, respectably, put the kibosh on it), and Heidi became more and more entranced by the evil, manipulative Spencer. Lauren, who had mostly kicked Brody to the curb, balked at the idea of losing her roommate to this creature, especially after she discovered that Heidi and Spence were encouraging Lauren's friend (the walking Peep, Jen Bunny) to pursue the off-limits Brody. So, after lots and lots of fighting, a "Lauren or Spencer" ultimatum was put forth. Heidi chose Spence and season 2 ended with Heidi moving out and Audrina moving in.
Season 3 was definitely the most delightfully campy so far, with lots of relationship drama between Spencer and Heidi (an awkward engagement, a busy job that Heidi in no way deserves, jealousy, a living room wall painted to look like a 1970's van), while Lauren drunkenly confronted her at clubs (mad about a sex tape rumor that the couple supposedly started) and occasionally retreated back into the hot/cold arms of Brody. Though she remained wary of his womanizing ways (as did he, vainly and pathetically). Meanwhile Audrina, stepping more into the limelight, began dating "Justin Bobby," a heinously pretentious actor who burped and grunted and treated her like shit (but he has a motorcycle!) More fighting, more cattiness, more hilariously quizzical looks from Guildenstern-esque Whitney ensued. The Heidi and Spencer engagement was called on and off repeatedly (ending on off, I believe) while Lauren fumbled around at work, trying to find her purpose. Then, magically, another opportunity to go to Paris arose, so off Lauren zooms in the season finale.
So, that's where we are. Heroes and villains, hubris and hamartia. All the classic staples of drama. Did I glaringly omit something that a non-watcher just has to be up on? Let me know, down below. (Hey that rhymed!)
Comments
Oh, Richard. Hate requires so much effort.
I seen that girl Audrey nakid!
Exactly what I needed. Exactly.
ZOMG I LOVE THE HILLS!!!11!1
Can someone send a link to this post over to Charlize? Thanks a bunch.
Thank you! Now I never need to see it.
And I'm not even being facetious! I sincerely love this show! Take that, parents and teachers!
For the record, Ranger Rick is about a gajillion times cooler than Teen Vogue.
Richard, you forgot to mention the part where I was supposed to care. But I'll take it on faith that you don't know either. MEANWHILE, back at the ranch....
I'm sorry, but I still prefer "Sunset Tan."
I'd much rather read your recaps than sit through that crapfest.
Richie baby, LO FUCKING L at "drunk, cheating forty-seven-year-old Greek merchant with a secret family living in Fresno". Truer words have never been spoken, in regards to Jason.
Yes, I like, who's coming over on Monday for the premiere and vodka punches?
@TedSez: "Sunset Tan is the bomb, yo!"
2AD, in post-coital bliss with Gov. Spitzer, November 2007
Wow! Good job!!
Is it possible to feel brain cells dying? Because I think thats exactly what I just felt... But at the same time..cant. look. away...
Richard, you left out the part where the Heidi-bot 2007 was re-assembled in the image of an US Weekly "Favorite Celebrity Body Parts" Photoshop mash-up.
Still not sold on them thar Hills. I also watched part of The Real Housewives of New York City the other night. Maybe I'm in a funk, but what used to amuse now disgusts. Even the RW/RR challenges are fading for me. Grump!
@Nick Denton: If you aren't watching it, Nick, who is?
@TedSez: Sunset Tan is the shizzle. Seriously, the Olly girls? You can't MAKE this kind of shit up.
Oh. Wait.
"Justin Bobby" reminds me of Jordin Catalano from My So Called Life. But I'm just guessing that because I never watch The Hills.
Why didn't you put Spoiler Alert. I just bought the first three seasons on DVD and was going to have a marathon this weekend. Now what am I going to watch while I'm drinking all those pre-made Apple-Tinis?
@fiveinchtaint: Put the Snorg Tees girl on The Hills and I'm all over this shit.
There once was a broad named LC
Who defriended her roommate Heidi
Whitney (advice dispenser)
Joined her in hating Spencer
So she set her dead eyes on Brody.
@TedSez: STOP IT!! Me too, that show was so so phenomenal for like, lounging on your couch hungover on a Sunday afternoon and drinking SunnyD from the container. Guilty pleasure at it finest.
@Nard38: for that matter, didn't heidi get her boobs done and have them plastered all over Us Weekly for, like, eleventy-twelve covers in a row? (not that i, uh, read Us Weekly.)
Richard A) you need to get out of the house more
B) awesome! and C) Guildenstern-esque? What of Rosencratz-ian? Aren't they one in the same? There's your next post.
I want to arrange a foursome
@fiveinchtaint: Maybe this will help. Even though the RR/RW challenge kind of sucks, please note that at the end of each elimination the host says to the vanquished competitor, "I'm sure we'll see you here again," which translates to "Based on your life choices to date, I'm sure you will not be employed at any point in the near future and will be willing to further humiliate yourself on TV based on the slim chance that you'll win about $45,000 before taxes." That part makes me smile.
@SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley: Are you living the movie Swingers? Cause all you're missing is some self-reproach and a salami...
@olivia2.0: They're both dead.
@LadlySack: Why complicate things when a show featuring nothing but her trying on t-shirts would do just fine? But I like your angle.
@fiveinchtaint: Degrassi: The Next Generation is alls I'm sayin.
(or, even, got a giddy thrill out of the more salacious parts of August: Osage County)
Wait. Spencer and Heidi are brother and sister?
I watched one episode of The Hills and to quote LC, from that episode, "I've never wanted to stick a fork in my eye more".
@fiveinchtaint: I could talk all day about my sadness regarding the decline of RW and RR (along with their respective challenges).
@LadlySack: um, I said it was a GUILTY pleasure, so I already feel GUILTY enough w/o you jumping all over me.
And- who said I no haz salami?
@Conbon: Hah! That would be amazing.
@fiveinchtaint: Oh my god. that's fucking brilliant. Someone please green-light this, yesterday.
@SneakingThroughTheAlleyWithLalley: I admire you.
Perfect! And just when my Netflix cue was all empty.
@Phyllis Nefler: Someone around here suggested that to me before. Maybe it was you. I keep forgetting to put my tivo on the case.
@Nard38: @Goober_Pea: Why the fuck do Beth and Katie keep participating? The free travel? They hate everyone and everyone hates them! CT is unbearable and by extension Diem for dating him. Danny is retarded by any definition. And did Robin get hotter?
Alright, I don't want to hijack Richard's thread here.
Everyone's missing the point. The plot is inconsequential, thus a recap is unnecessary. The true beauty of The Hills can only be appreciated by turning the TV dial to MTV , adjusting the volume down to zero or mute and pulling up a comfy chair all while letting your self-esteem slip silently out the window.
Basically, the show is good for little else than a masturbatory emission. Personally, I prefer porn for such en devours but I'll flick on The Hills as a mostly clothed change of pace. All the nakedness can become tiresome after a couple hours.
But honestly, I couldn't tell you the last time I watched MTV. They should bring back music videos. At least they were an accurate portrayal of real life.
@LadlySack: I admire Whitney for being so hot and still keeping up her contract with this show, out of her love for LC only I'm sure.
I mean, this girl should be like out and about on auditions for pilot season, no?
I can't watch The Hills or Real Housewives because everytime I go home my mom and my sister make me feel like I'm in some bizaro Florida episode of either. Anyone looking to cast for the Real Houswives of Naples, Fl or There Aren't Actually Hills in Florida, But its a Lot Like That Except With Loads More Pot and Pregnancy Tests let me know. I've got gold.
LC will no longer be known as the girl who didn't go to Paris!
@fiveinchtaint: It was indeed me, here.
@fiveinchtaint: I admit I watch this too, though it used to just be to monitor how my cousin would continue to shame the family. Now it's just habit.
Thanks for the abstract, Richard. Now I can go back to the awe and majesty of televised bass fishing (which is just as predictably exciting, sans loud jibber jabber).
I will spend the next ten years trying to convince my 14 year-old that these people are social parasites, not success stories.
I "accidentally" watched this show once. I couldn't figure out if it was an authentic reality show or a poorly scripted/acted tweener drama. Either way, it was unwatchable and I can not understand the appeal.
@Phyllis Nefler: Nice - I promise that I will try really hard to remember to track it down and report back. I need some void filler.
@BK_KT: Come on, you can't throw that out there and not divulge the subject! I hope I didn't just talk shit about your cousin. If so, my apologies. So who is it?
ahhh i wanna do justin bobby so hard
I WANNA DO JUSTIN BOBBY
@Richard: I would like to see the castof The Hills reenact the final scene from Bug. Since The Hills is real...
@fiveinchtaint: He's not on this season but I don't even want to tell you...
...ok fine, it's Abram. Our families are VERY different, trust that!
@Conbon: Only if Tiffany from I love New York is invited...
I can haz pinkberry.
Wow, Spark Notes for trashy television, this can be a cottage industry Richard. Let's talk.