Gawker
E! online's Ted Casablanca loves to dish at length, on Fridays, about anonymous celebrities and their crazy, crazy lives. Today he talks about "Browhilda Frown-Free" a successful actress who likes to sleep with women. She has fake relationships with men, like you do in Hollywood, but her current pretend suitor is making some unpleasant noise about her Sapphistry. She's not happy! Hollywood is scandalized! In secret! Casablanca goes on at length, after the jump.
Browhilda Frown-Free has just about everything a once desperately ambitious, unknown actress could desire: fame, wealth, notorious love, Academy Award notice, great bone structure, fab hair, free cosmetic procedures for the taking—everything but the freedom to love the one she's (really) with. Don't worry though, babes, Brow's been down this fake-amour alley before. She's a friggin' pro at navigating the affectionless twists and turns of the overly photographed.Howev, BFF's latest man experience—heady as it all may be—has become slightly more than Browhilda's used to, what with her past liaisons of coolly arranged get-togethers. You know the age-old ersatz Hollywood plan: A couple goes out for a red carpet whatever; then they go in for separate, much more private dalliances with their same-sex partners. Brow's had this setup with almost every man she's hooked up with before.
But Ms. F.F.'s latest dude—who's more than happy to bed every slobbering femme he can find—has turned out to be far messier than Brow-babe would prefer. Not only does he womanize with indiscretion, he's stupidly starting to make a loud and rather visible stink about Brow's increased devotion to her current g-f. How does that Shakespearean saying go? Oh what a tangled guy web we weave, when at first we hetero deceive? Watch out, Brow, we be onto ya!
Comments
It's definitely Kathy Lee Gifford.
Demi Moore
Nicolette Sheridan. Oh, wait- you said successful.
Elizabeth Hasselbeck
Charles Nelson Reilly
Isabel Sanford
Hillary Clinton
Penelope Cruz?
Silda Spitzer
Nicole Kidman? God knows she hasn't frowned in years.
soon-yi previn-allen?
Scarlett Johansson
sorry, Smails :(
Richard Simmons
@scroll_lock: NO.
I'd say Nicole Kidman but it's odd they didn't mention pregnancy in there. Who is Penelope dating now a days?
@azi: Javier Bardem.
Sounds like my first girlfriend - bitch used me and not in the good way.
But I'll guess Eva Longoria Parker. Or ELP for short.
Melania Trump™ (the best part is, she's banging Rosie)
Shirley Hemphill
Oprah
Chris Crocker
Roz from Night Court
Mindy Cohn
@kpsquare: HAH!
@azi: I know - but maybe adding the pregnancy would be too identifiable? The rest of it really sounds like Nicole - Oscar notice, botox, etc.
Bruce Jenner
@VoxPopuli: I think you are right.
I think he's outing her (nicole kidman) because her bodyguard beat that photographer up. Which explains why the bodyguard was being so aggressive...she was on her way to a rug-brunch.
...and it makes sense that she would have been paired up in a hetero-front relationship with Tom Cruise .
The obvious choice is Tilda Swinton.
I think it's Nicole Kidman because I like the way it looks in my mind.
@TheHonJudgeSmails: Well then, Penelope, clearly. How botoxed is she though?
It's not Nicole Kidman because she's married. If I were the guy I'd shut up and try for a threesome.
@azi: She's botoxed so tightly that she speaks with a Spanish accent.
jessica biel. guarantee. i've heard about justin timberlake and let me tell you- i think he's way too hard on britney in his songs for what he supposedly does.
It's Nicole Kidman.
BTW Does reading Ted Casablanca's badly-phrased pap make anyone else's brain melt?
It's gotta be Nicole Kidman. There was always speculation that she and Tom Cruise had a "marriage of convenience."
Nicky don't like dicky...?
@roodles: The idea of Ted Casablancas' pap, good or bad, makes my brain throw up.
How has no one said Renee Zellweger yet??!!! She even has a weird Rosie-esque haircut.
Like usual, it's obviously Helen Mirren.
dakota fanning
Julia Allison.
in a youtube universe, it would be jennifer garner, fucking sarah silverman
@roodles: my first thought was, "can we hit this man until he stops writing?"
@notalent: of course!
I'd say Laura Bush, but her husband doesn't strike me as one for the ladies, if you catch my drift.
My other guess is Zac Efron.
It's always Zac Efron.
@BK_KT: Oooh - you beat me to it. She just came to mind for me as well. Renee does botox, has gotten an Oscar nom, and does date a lot of guys for not very long. Hmm....
This is an old recycled story (true nevertheless)...Angelina Jolie is the answer. The names even kinda sound alike.
Princess Pea. Sorry, girlfriend, but your little fake fling with Whyatt is transparent. I mean, the guy dresses in tights and a cape.
Hillary Clinton?
I speak on behalf of the lesbians when I say, Renee does not get chooseys on our team. You straighties can keep her puckerfaced snarksucker.
Use of Browhilda does sort of nod towards Kidman, she did remake Bewitched. Since nobody actually saw that movie, it's a rather subverted, yet clear, reference. I think he would have made a reference to marriage though. I'll say Katie Holmes just for kicks.
@TheHonJudgeSmails: I'm embarassed that I know this - but Tilda Swinton is in an already odd relationship with her much older "husband" and a much younger man, all living in BohoMarxist Modern Arrangement together in the same house. There was a whole article about it in some English paper or other (I doubt you care enough for the source! but if you do, let me know and I'll look it up).
I really, really think it's Kidman, although I don't buy P. Cruz as a "straight" woman for hot second.
@maevemealone: I was also thinking her [frozen] eyebrows are a defining feature of hers and he shortens it to "brow" throughout the piece.
Do I overthink blind items? Why, yes!
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