Gawker
So obviously The Hills is premiering tonight. And, really, it's the biggest thing since the moon landing. Or since they stormed the beaches at Normandy. Or it's simply the biggest thing that will happen to you tonight, on the Music Television network at 10pm (9pm Central, I'm guessing.) No matter how you think of it, The Hills is everywhere. There has been so much coverage on the show lately that it might help, as we hurtle toward the inexorable hour, to have a little recap of the past few days' worth of PR-firm created and controlled scandal, rumor, and allegation. Such a digest exists for you after the jump.
- Show star Lauren Conrad who sells "tchotchkes, trinkets, and trash", got angry on the cover of Us magazine, saying that she'd been betrayed by friends and lovers.
- Audrina Patridge, one of the betraying friends, had old nude photos surface. They were taken when she was young and trusting, said the 22-year-old.
- Lauren Conrad accused the show's crew of stealing the cast members' souls with their magical cameras. Or their stares. Or something.
- Lauren renounced the Us cover story, saying "I do not feel betrayed by Audrina or Brody" on her blog. But, of course, she later recanted and said she's not mad at Us magazine (teacher, mother, secret lover) for running the article.
- It's revealed that Lauren called Brody "scum" in French during the premiere episode. Also revealed: Staffers at Us have a French-to-English dictionary.
- Evil couple Heidi and Spencer kidnapped a child and made it forage for food.
- Gina Bellafante at the New York Times compared Heidi Montag to Gloria Allred and said that Whitney was "the best approximation of a Shakespearean mute that reality TV has ever produced." Radar balked. (Get it??)
- Gen. David Petraeus said he has evidence that Iran was behind the Easter attack on Baghdad's Green Zone.
- A new lame love interest for Audrina was cast. The info was leaked.
Comments
Please stop sending email to richard @ gawker if you are looking for richard lawson. I've had enough. Thank you.
[richardlawsonsemail.tumblr.com]
* mathnet laughed again about this: [radaronline.com]
I heard the battle at Normandy never really happened and it was just an elaborate hoax filmed in a hangar somewhere in the desert.
@blakeley: Fantastic.
So, the Hills are alive?
how come fake nick denton and blakely have the same tumblr layout? if you join me in going back and to the left, you'll see a white background with black text. moving back and to the left once again, you'll find a lame JFK-reference that should've been brought up earlier.
going back and to the left once again, i'll be letting the dead horse lie.
RE: Petraeus. The polymer mix in Montag's face could justifyably be called a "lethal accelerant"; Tehran's actions are a more dubious matter.
@mitchel_stevens: Because analysts guesstimate tumblr's current worth at about what it costs to buy lunch for two in London with $'s.
I can vouch for the supersaturation of Hills media. Last night I had a dream that I was shopping with LC, when Heidi showed up wearing the exact same top that Lauren was looking at, and she (Heidi) made some kind of snide remark at Lauren's expense. WELL, I was not about to let that fly, and I got right in her face and told her she looked like the farmer's slutty daughter who had barely escaped the family picnic without becoming another Ozark statistic (she was wearing gingham) and then SPENCER showed up and tried to threaten me and I got all up in his face and was SO ANGRY that I...woke up. QUIVERING WITH RAGE.
I think I'll go take that walk outside that you mentioned.
@sassypants: They are indeed alive and apparently have eyes.
"Hurtle", Richard.
It's not you, it's me. I'm a geek.
"...love interest for Audrina was cast." Huh? Listen, someone tried to convince me once that the finale match of Wrestlemania IV was "cast"...and I've seen nothing dispositive ever since. Damn alt-media scuttlebugs.
Can't we just ignore this retarded show? Some of us actually do have the willpower to abstain from watching garbage television instead posting "wry" coverage on it while secretly popping a boner for everything superficial and vacuous. Who are you people?
Nothing could ever top Spencer's Hollywood mural last season. Beautiful television.
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