This is helpful, Hamilton. I am now almost positive I'd rather sleep with Scarlett Johansson than Tom Waits. Thanks!

Scarlett's breasts come in handy when one needs to draw perfect circles. Also, when you feel like touching awesome boobs.

1. "A Bjork album? Does she sing in English?"
2. "A Bryan Ferry album? Do I have enough clothes?"
3. "A Willie Nelson album? Will I have to pay tax on that?"
4. "A Courtney Love album? Does she sing in English?"

@TheHonJudgeSmails: ah, but what if they were singing while the deed was going down? would that change things?

Can't wait for Hayden Panettiere's covers of Daniel Johnston.

The face of Scarlett Johansson and the voice of Liz Frazer?

They've just created the perfect woman.

@hypocriteoath: Yes, albeit not in the way I think you mean...

She always struck me as more a Blind Lemon Jefferson kind of gal.

Ever since the end credits rolled on the first screening of the opening night of Lost In Translation, Scarjo's cool has been on the decline. Right now she's a few notches above Brad Garrett and the Micro Machine's guy.

She's welcome to recline on my branch any time.

@CodePink: I'm not sure that she could hold a candle to Posh in the perfect-circle department.

I'm waiting for her sophomore effort: Johansson on Johansen. I hear her version of "Hot Hot Hot" is just dynamite.

"If I don't look into the camera I can pretend that I'm pondering something really deep! Or anything at all besides how awesome my boobs are and how badly I want to regain my indie cred."

Is this an episode of that new Ashton Kutcher show?

If you look really close at her head, you can almost hear the ocean.

@hypocriteoath: haha. do we know if she is actually blessed or is it the work of a great bra? or is it just the fact that she's only 20-something?

@semiserious: I'm waiting on my Lindsay Lohan covers of Shane MacGowan.

If you can't be a tortured artist, try to cop one's songs, and by extension, attitude.

@lionel-mandrake: she actually somehow looks too stupid in these photos to even imagine hearing the ocean in there.

@roodles: In Boogie Nights, wasn't there a shot of Marky Mark gazing thoughtfully across a sump?

@TheHonJudgeSmails: yes, the above was meant for you... not myself.

@JesusKong: If I can get my old accompanist out of rehab, I'm going to do The John Lydon Songbook.

They do point out the asinine spectacle of 24-year-old ScarJo crooning "I Don't Want To Grow Up." You're not, yet, so stop singing about it!

Isn't this the perfect time to sing about not wanting to grow up, before you are? I think Peter Pan would agree with me.

@Mediahohoho: Oh come on, being an actress and auctioning yourself off for dates is hard and like, it really takes a toll on your brain and stuff.

I am not sure how a backlash can begin against such an attractive woman. It just seems like a waste of effort. Can we backlash against ugly or old things first? Like Julia Roberts or something.

@ineffable.me: When you look like she does, a brain is an optional accessory.

@ADismalScience: Yeah! Julia Roberts! The first mouth since Martha Raye to define an entire career.

Thence comes Rachael Ray.

Holy crap, Tom Waits's chin! Yearbook photo!

There's a bird in the chimmney
and a stone in my bed
And a big fucking chin right there on my head.

@ineffable.me: Like, right?

Asia Argento Presents: Me Warbling Nick Cave.

2-disc special edition including no music, just pictures of her.

@ADismalScience: because she's an annoying twat in interviews. That being said she's clearly one of the most stunning people to walk the planet and very occasionally turns in a good performance.

also, The Nanny Diaries.

@heartbreakturnip: Howdy Doody has escaped!

you coulda found some hotter photos of tom! i particularly like this interview, lets see if this works (interview starts after song):

+ Watch video

"i'm a living breathing example of success without college" - something for potential harvard transfers to cling to.

@Mike_Jahn:

Look, we need to sit down and really plan Rachel Ray backlash day. We can't just go into that one all willy-nilly on a commenter's whim. That, truly, should be an event.

The album is on my iPod right now, and while I hate to disrupt a good old-fashioned celebrity-mocking session as much as anyone (and I'm sure I won't), I will admit that she pulls it off, mostly by not letting her reach exceed her grasp too much. I've heard worse, from professional musicians.

@roodles: And I've heard from a firsthand source that she's quite friendly in interviews.

(Email me, Scarlett.)

Two sex symbols I honestly just don't get: Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Alba. Tom Waits, I get... and he was great in Hellboy.

If anyone wants a two-second summary of what writers in general and Gawker commenters in particular are, it's Tom's phrase nightwatchmen flamekeepers.

@ADismalScience: Let's do it soon, before he butt gets bigger than her smile.

@ADismalScience: Actually, it would be more poetic if it didn't take us more than 30 minutes to prepare.

@moff:

I don't know if "really made me laugh out loud" meets the criteria, but that made me legitimately crack up and therefore shall be emailed to the commie committee.

@moff: Perhaps, a firsthand source is more reliable than my sources (unless it was a drooling 20 something guy). In the girl mag interviews I've read about her, the things she's saying are obnoxious and vapid, but she could still be friendly while saying them I suppose.

@ADismalScience: Aw, thanks. Half the credit to you for setting up the shot.

@Bell County: Thank you! Jessica Alba has a hot bod but her face is just meh. Totally ordinary looking. Scarlett Johanson has huge boobs and a huge head. Big fucking deal, all women have tits. Damn boys, y'all are like a deer in headlights.

Wait this is a real album? I thought this was some sort of sick joke. Oh no. Oh no no no.

@ADismalScience: Yeah really. Kinda sucks that she has to defend her intelligence because she happens to be hot.

As a hetero brunette lover, I'd let ScarJo "cover my songs" any day.

@JesusKong: too bad she's "clean" and "sober" now. no point in trying to cover shane like that.

Maybe it will be as good as the Bruce Willis record "If It Don't Kill You, It Just Makes You Stronger"

@Bell County: Hellboy is one of the all-time great movies.

She is sooooo not hot.

*shrug* Another 21st century sex symbol whose appeal completely escapes me.

@steven_scareplanes: That Bruce Willis record was called "Bruno's Back" or something... I remember, because it was my faves when I was 12.

The question about this album remains: why must it exist?

Why should anyone - from Tori Amos to Lucinda Williams - cover Tom Waits? I mean, did John Hammond - who plays on all of Waits' recordings - really need to cover the work on which he plays backup? Ultimately, it's about adding an interpretation to a body of art.

Now, whether Scarjo's interpretation is worth a listen is another question entirely. But she can't be worse than Meatloaf singing "Martha."

@Sarcastro:

Thank you!

Maybe she actually sings well? I doubt it, but maybe.

@McCheeburger:

Actually, she is pretty hot. That's the one thing you can say for her.

@BadUncle: Well, they can't all be Patty Smyth's Downtown Train.

@Bell County: ack! If only Patti Smith would invite Patty Smyth over for a little meeting in the Thunderdome.

Joy Division? Uh Huh.

@rantmagazine:boo hoo:
Also it's never a good thing when a reviewer says you 'sound like x,y or z'; instead of having your own voice. I guess Scarlett is good @ coping people.

@McCheeburger: Her appeal?

Uhhh...boobs. It's not a mystery.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: She totally looks exactly like the elf that wants to be a dentist. You know, in that stop-animation Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer Christmas show that airs every year?

And I'll hate anyone who dares to cover Tom Waits... especially a dumb, young, perky-yet-matronly-looking blond actress "it" girl.

@hesperid: Herbie with a boob job.