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And so what we've waited for (or haven't at all) has finally come. A new half-season of MTV's The Hills premiered tonight with a glittery, snowy, Parisian... clunk. Yeah. It was pretty boring. Lauren and Whitney, two dim (and lucky) explorers of a wondrous corner of Europe, enjoyed Paris like typical affected Los Angeles youngsters. They were late and unprepared, wooed by strange Frenchmen who took them to unexotic locales like an American-style nightclub and (sacre bleu!) the Eiffel Tower. There was some intrigue about uncollected shoes (they were late because of gowns!), some burnt dresses (because of the iron!), and oddly coiffed French socialites; but nothing thrilled.
And so what we've waited for (or haven't at all) has finally come. A new half-season of MTV's The episode was slow and derivative; even having the (sorta fun) nerve to play MC Solaar's French rap (ha) "La Belle et le Bad Boy," which featured prominently in the Paris-set Sex and the City finale. The Hills, which has always attempted to be the West Coast reality version of HBO's definitive ladies' bible (but younger! fresher!), didn't really get any excitement out of Paris the way SATC did. Most of what we saw of the city was seen from the window of a Mercedes or tainted by the presence of annoying French versions of Justin Bobby.
And speaking of annoying, Heidi and Spencer, (in what was essentially the premiere of a second, separate series) found themselves in the scenic, wintry wilds of Crested Butte, CO (Heidi's hometown). Heidi's crested buttes were as waxen as usual (along with her increasingly alien face) while her parents, in a coup de grace of producer indoctrination, seemed just as slyly aware of the cameras as the two crazy kids, who continued to falsely argue over a false relationship. Their story ended with a teary, frigid sort-of break up, with Heidi asking Spence to move out of the condo. Heidi said she just wasn't ready for the engagement, or for anything really. She just needed time. "Needing 'time' means it's over," my sister (wise and very into this) loudly intoned. Though my sister and the rest of us all know that they get back together anyway. After all, they were photographed not two days ago, happily dragging Heidi's niece through an Easter egg hunt. So what was the point of watching all this?
The whole thing, all carefully constructed Lauren pratfalls and inarticulate Prattag gobbledygook, felt like a foregone conclusion. We can now watch the show and shriek "I knew it!!!!"; not because we augured the future from the vodka-soaked tea leaves of last season, but because the plotlines have been splashed across gossip magazines for months. The Hills has shown its hand way too many times and gotten a bit old in the process. We all knew that Audrina's phone call about Brody having a new girlfriend was coming, and Lauren didn't even really try to seem surprised. I miss the freshness of the first season, when no one was famous enough to think they were above, you know, attempting to entertain us. And when we start pining for the golden days of The Hills, I worry that it's about time they shut it down.
Comments
Even the screenshot of her face is boring.
Didn't the Olsen twins do this all much better in Passport to Paris?
This show appeals to the teenage girl inside the gay man inside all of us.
I went to sleep before ended it was so boring....or is was the screwdrivers I was sucking down. Either way boring!
But did they play Jordy?
+ Watch video
Richard has a sister? I always saw him as an only child. I don't know why, nor do I know why I have previously thought about this.
When we start pining for the golden days of this show, I worry that it's about time to put the cool, shiny barrel of a loaded .45 into our mouth, say a muffled Hail Mary, and then decorate the walls of our office with the contents of our sad, useless skull.
You know, my mind is so polluted, reading about Paris Hilton day in and out, that I can't even think of "Paris" as a place anymore. So when I read your piece, each time you mentioned Paris, I thought you were referring to her.
Which, I'm sorry, didn't make the narrative more exciting. But it's not you, it's her.
Maybe if Lauren would've busted her ass in the middle of Dior like SJP did, it would've been a little more interesting. Whitney took the plunge once, it's definitely LC's turn.
It takes a lot of make-up to look like you're not wearing any make-up on tv.
Uh, terrorists, can you please hurry up and kill us all?
Seriously.
Okay, how about the feminists?
Who's going to step up and end this?
Top 2 Moments from last night's ep:
1- Whitney saying Guh-ven-chee.
2- Random dude in club listed as "Tambourine Player".
I had to look away from Heidi's Halloween fright mask of a face.
Guess I'm getting old because I am over The Hills. GET IT??
What was weird was the award-show-style pre-show where everyone cheered and clapped after each outtake from the previous season. It struck me as a weird moment in youth culture where the real excitement lies in sitting around watching semi-poignant, poorly acted sexless pornography. Huh?
@mathnet: I ENJOY THAT COMMENT FOR ITS PUN. THE SAME COMMENT COULD BE USED IN COMMENTING ABOUT BEING OVER "HILLS" AS IN HILLARY CLINTON, PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, AS WELL.
@BK_KT: lisa love died a million times after hearing the botched up pronounciation.
Poor dress. Damn Parisians take their dogs everywhere with them.
Did it bother anyone else that she didn't get in trouble for burning the nice dress??
Or that Heidi was in full makeup on the ski slopes? (I was like, wow, Heidi is a skier, props to that, team Heidi! ...and then they showed the close-up of her faux face.) Her mom was cool though.
Also, Mariah Carey is my new muse for her ability to lose about 70 lbs every time she has a new single.
Thi shit is more staged than the moon landing.
@Phyllis Nefler: I personally would like to know who the hell paid for the completely destroyed Alberta Ferretti gown! That shit was burned! Andreas was probably pissed!
... oh right, MTV. No biggie.
@CodePink: I ENJOY THAT COMMENT FOR ITS COMMENT ON MY COMMENT. AND IT IS RIGHT, AS WELL.
If The Hills producers mean to draw a comparison between the much-smarter SATC juggernaut (that relished in just how scripted it was) and this wishy-washy, am I or aren't I, balloon-full-of-sparkles spectacle that is The Hills, then they're riding on some now haggard coattails. Otherwise The Hills is shouting out a very modern "ha, ha, fuck you!" to television's past.
do people watch this?
The Hills would be great if it was entirely transition shots of LC and That Other One riding around Paris with a relatively tolerable soundtrack. Unfortunately, listening to them speak and watching them live out aggressively mundane plotlines makes this show the entertainment equivalent of Uncle Sam cereal. Because of all the flax.
That being said, the fact that the one French guy is now tagged as the "Tambourine Player" and can't just vaguely tell girls that he's "in a band" may be enough to win over my cold, black heart.
Whitney should follow her dream and do more sdyyylink.
@BK_KT: Right? At least a dressing-down (pun intended? I'm not even sure) from some senior Vogue staffer, or the dude from the store, would have sufficed for me. Also, it's sketchy that the shoe store opened early enough for them to have picked up the shoes and gotten to the fashion show by 10:20 or whatever it was. FRAUD!!
@Phyllis Nefler: Yes. All of that bothered me.
Also, the cute Frenchman, Matthieu, was hilarious. I'm sure the producers were like, "who do we know that looks and acts exactly like Pepe LePew?"
Sex in the City got excitement out of Paris? Am I the only one who thought the series finale was dreadful? Or maybe it's just that much less excitement than the Hills gets out of it.
Go here:
[www.lebal.fr]
and click on "Galerie Video" all the way on the right. You'll get a tiny glimpse of Whitney, forlorn in the corner, holding up her little signs. Right after they introduce Phil Collins' daughter.
Also how funny when Lauren, flipping through the French dictionary, suggested "con" as a nickname for Brody? (But she pronounced it...eh, nevermind.)
I really am getting old because I've come back here to say I can't believe that little shit ruined a gown, insisted on an instant replacement, and then hiked up said replacement to go riding around in it on a Vespa!
@cassandra: Anyone else feel like he kept switching accents? French, Scottish, what are you? Dude was prolly from Detroit or something. But I liked his tight pants.
Best Headline Ever.
I can't believe that gape-mouthed bag of hair didn't know a curling iron could burn something.
Writer's strike was evident:
"I can't go to the ball without a gown!"
Honestly, couldn't they think of something more creative than ripping off Cinderella?
@cassandra: Dude musta been pissed he drove around all night and totally got zero lovin.
Anyone know where Lauren's shirt is from? I like it and it's obviously not from her collection.
That greasy French suitor with his shirt buttoned down to his navel was kinda hot in a Justin Bobby way, but I guess the accent helps make up for some of the grease. Also: mustache, love.
@beppolina1: Nine years of French lessons, including a college minor, and the only practical application of all this useless knowledge is knowing that MTA wouldn't let LC correctly translate "cou" as "asshole."
That's $124,000 well spent.
(Merde.)
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