Gawker
CBS News has been running a lot unappetizing stories about sex lately. First it was "Things You Didn't Know About Your Penis" (or "Four Things I Already Knew About Your Penis And One That Grossed Me Out"). Then there was "Top 10 Reasons To Have Sex Tonight" (or "10 Terrible Reasons to Have Sex Tonight.") Instead of waiting for CBS to produce their inevitable list of factoids about testicles, we made our own. After the jump, five terribly important facts about balls.
- Erections Can Hurt Balls Prolonged sexual arousal can cause a temporary fluid congestion in the testicles. Known as "blue balls," this is unpleasant.
- Erections Make Balls Harder When blood is flowing to that region, testicles become firmer.
- Balls Emit A Slight Odor To prevent this, shower regularly.
- There Should Be Two Something is wrong if there is only one.
- Hair Grows There Don't feel bad if your balls are hairy. They're supposed to be! Unless of course you're encouraging a specific activity.
[image via Queerty's Morning Goods]
Comments
Were all the Gawker men on lunch break or something? I disagree with at least 3 of these.
Wow. Gee. Thanks.
Have you thought about watching NBC?
You really like Queerty huh?
* Gold Bond can make them glow in the dark
Is this normal? [images.google.com]
Rebecca, you're all over my manjunk these days. I applaud your efforts.
protip: dipping your balls in chocolate make issac hayes appear.
As balls age, they hang lower. This should not encourage croquet.
Correction: There sould be AT LEAST two.
There should be an addendum to bullet four:
Occasionally when sitting down, you might find that one testicle has become misplaced. Do not panic. This sometimes happens as a result of the legs being positioned too close together. The testicle has likely migrated to your pelvic region. This can be remedied by standing up and or by using the index finger to locate the stray texticle and gently relocating it to its original position within the scrotum.
How long until the other Gawker reporters realize how many pageviews asinine posts like this receive because of their topical nature and this site becomes nothing but top 10 sex lists?
Martinis are like testicles. One is not enough, but three is too many.
In the summer, baby powder is their friend, and mine.
Yes but at the bowling alley I go to, they... Oh. Those.
@Mike_Jahn: Do your balls hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie 'em in a knot? Can you tie 'em in a bow?...
@Steverino: Do tell...
Next: Five very important clitoral misconceptions
Helman, I don't get this.
1) Knew that
2) Kind of knew that
3) Agreed!
4) Indeed!
5) What kind of activities? Details!
@CaptainFantastic: Not cornstarch?
@Political Party Girl: I swear I was thinking that...
@Steverino: which three?
@businesspearl:
wait, there's a clitoris?
Dunno about #4. Hitler had only one testicle. And things went pretty well for him, didn't they?
@Political Party Girl: some guys have two thirds of a pawn shop.
So glad I don't have balls.
@Conbon: Institutional knowledge is funny sometimes.
6) When properly used, balls will obscure the vision of you lover.
Rebecca, you didn't just bury the lede, you left it out completely:
"Balls hurt when they are kicked."
I had to stop watching Lifetime movies because of the pain it was causing in my husband's balls.
@notsofresh: That is a myth. He did not have one testicle. But you know who does? Scott Hamilton. And he can do a backflip while skating. Don't think Hitler ever managed that feat.
@businesspearl: They are like JuJuBes, only saltier.
@Conbon: @Bell County: I meant "Ha!" and "institutional memory"
@Mediahohoho: Correct! And with the shaft placed down the bridge of your nose, you've just won yourself a Roman War Helmet!
@FitnessMadeSimple: I just jump up and down. Less invasive/more fun.
I don't know how you guys even walk around with those things!
What CBS doesn't want you to know is that you can do every bit as much damage with two as with one.
@papa-galo: Conbon just tucks his between his freshly-waxed legs.
I'm sorry, "SLIGHT"???
You've obviously never blown a drummer.
@Chillarious: How long before you realize she's making fun of Top 10 lists and sticking with the snarky tone of Gawker rather well? In my opinion. (Hi. My name's CodePink. Sometimes I get defensive of writers.)
@KarenUhOh: What is your fucking problem?
The ratio of actual cases of blue balls to the invocation of blue balls as used to convince youngish girls to give teenaged/college-aged/post-divorce men handjobs is something like:
1/2150
the most important thing you need to know about balls? THAT I LOVE THEM.
Alright, what's the deal with ball stimulation? Is it just as indispensable as tit play? Does it vary by dude? I feel like I don't ever know how much to go to town because it's just not something readily discussed when you start getting busy with someone.
@papa-galo: Most men, if they live long enough, find out what it's like to walk around with boobs, but I don't think that's true when it comes to women and balls -- or is it?
@the supergoddess: And they love you!
@Hez: Speaking as a man who has drummed - you are correct miss.
But a tip to mens everywhere, a dab of ball-sweat (of the SlightOdor variety & not the drummer variety) behind your ears is the best cologne imaginable - srsly, sounds gross but it will get you laid.
@FitnessMadeSimple: Did you know: Television personality Larry King has eleven testicles, each one the size, and durability, of a quail egg?
@Unfun: My balls enjoy a little company.
@jackvinyl: I've heard that ball-sweat thing before, but I can't for the life of me get my sack to my ear.
@TheHonJudgeSmails: I told you that was for my swim meet!
@Unfun: Balls like to be taken up to the line but not over that line -NEVER over that line... finding the line, well that's what makes monogamy worth a damn, it can take a lifetime to develop a true understanding of a man's balls...
@Unfun: I've found that some cupping and fondling is always appreciated. But don't squeeze as though you're testing avocados for ripeness. That is, apparently, a balls faux pas.
I'm not sure I'm down with the post-gay Gawker.
This is going to sound counterintuitive, but trust me. Don't use this product on your balls.
My balls contain millions of the beginnings of little people unlike women who have just one big egg thing which is only available ONCE during June every seven years and my balls sometimes leak the beginnings of little people onto the big egg and sometime later the big egg hatches out the woman and the stuff that comes out the egg looks like a little person without clothes or internet access and I guess the little person if it's a man will have balls himself and may go on to find an egg to make hatch and produce more little people and so forth but if it's a woman that's hatched then she will have to realise her cycle is not that frequent and should plan her Summer holidays around it.
@TheHonJudgeSmails: I had understood that was called giving/getting a gonzo.
@Unfun: If you tickle my balls gently, you'll find I'll carry the groceries for you without any complaining. We don't even have to go shopping. Or out.
Just tickle my balls, please.
@Conbon: Don't lie. We've all been talking about it.
@brechtgirl: I will accept that as an equivalent of equal or greater comic value. Thank you!
Putting balls in bullet points? Sounds kinky.