Breaking Report Confirms AWOL Child Star 'Mama Dakota' is Safe, Still Working

Having done our homework about dedicated Hollywood recluses over the last few days, we can assert with 100 percent certainty that despite her disappearance after the Park City clusterfuck that was Hounddog, Dakota Fanning is no John Hughes or Terrence Malick. Nevertheless, while this somewhat frightening video passed along by MTV (with its insistent English narrator positing: "Was she scared off by the negative press for Hounddog, or did she simply run and hide because she hit that awkward pubescent stage? Because it seems like all the little girl roles lately have been filled by others!") helps allay our worst DakotAWOL fears, what replaces them is perhaps eerier than any exile we could have imagined.

"Rest assured, friends and fans," the voiceover strains. "Dakota is not retired!" In the mass get-well card equivalent that follows, her "competitor" Abigail Breslin thinks Fanning is nice. Jodie Foster gives her the Child-Star Survivor Stamp Of Approval. The disgrace of Hounddog accounted for, we learn she's also starring in a slate of movies this year including Winged Creatures and The Secret Life of Bees, whose co-star Jennifer Hudson proclaims: "This is not a child! I call her Mama Dakota, OK? And she's half my age." Mama Dakota? Really? Talk about burying the lede! [Via Spout]