If someone can't come up with a better way to lose weight than chopping off your arm then it's just not worth my time.

Bathing in the blood of virgins has always worked for me.

oh, and I have this wonderful baby foreskin eye cream that Eva Longoria recommended

When will these fucks realize it's not length of life I'm after, it's quality. Shit. Death does sound better than daily weights for two years. What is this high school wrestling? If so, can I tape Mathnet's butt cheeks together?

Move More, Eat Less

You won't really live longer, it will just seem like it.

@FracturedAcetabulum: Word. I don't want to live to 80, much less 100. I want to have an exciting,short,sexy, hedonistic life. Death to gym instructors and people who can't use "lose" in the right way.

Lessons for developing eating disorders

Evite invitation: come to my dinner party! only serving tiny portions of food on tiny plates! byo scale!

@flynnchick: I'm with you. Life should be one continuous orgy-fest.

I thought 9″ was pretty big.

Note: becoming a vampire on Facebook does not confer longevity, immortality, or coolness upon you. In fact, just the opposite.

Cover your head and run to safety when landing in a region under sniper fire.

To stay healthy, I only eat nuts I've picked from the faecal matter of sad elephants. I crush them between two house bricks until they form a smooth paste, which I then smear onto a single leaf of lettuce coated in yak butter. I then take my super-lettuce leaf and sandwich it between two slices of wholemeal bread with only the slightest bit of low-fat Ukrainian margarine. I then tie the sandwich to the collar of an overly energetic terrier , and chase it for hours around my neighbourhood, thereby raising my heartbeat to a considerable amount while amusing local schoolchildren with my antics. I may be currently 36, but I have the lung capacity of a 35 year old Chinese accountant and the fingernails of a small boy hidden in a shoe-box under my bed.

Actually I thought CNN's article on fighting with your husband will make you live longer was the goofiest. I also pencilled in an argument for around 9. Any suggestions on topic?

@Itsjustcatnip: Rotating the tyres. Or taking out the garbage. Perhaps both.

Try "rotating the garbage", and really piss him off.

Maybe just punch him in the nuts. Fuck 'im.

Actually, these are excerpts from Yoko Ono's "Do-it-Yourself Dance Festival."

File all your books and DVD's in alphabetical order (by auther for books, title for films). Abstain from crystal meth use.

@VirusWithShoes: Best last sentence of a comment ever.

By the way, it's nigh-on impossible to give away normal-sized plates these days - everyone seems to have caught onto this and is refusing them point blank. Never fear, though, there is a solution! Just carefully chop the edge of the plate off - et voilà! Also, best get some mini cutlery, Liz Hurley-style: [www.nowmagazine.co.uk]

Best leave the small boy's fingernails alone.

@pufflehuff: Thanks! Oh, and I never touch them - only look at them in the light of a waning moon.

Ah - the magic of youth. And their teeny-tiny fingers.