Five Things You Didn't Know About John McCain's Penis

So now that we know everything we need to know about balls and penises, we've turned our attention to politics, and to the penis of John McCain, the man—the hero—who could be our next president. After the jump, five important facts about John McCain's penis.

  • It Probably Doesn't Work Too Well I know, I know, his mom is in great shape. Dude is still 71.
  • Untouched By Cindy Since 1989 Even if John McCain didn't have sex with that lobbyist, the only reason to seek any kind of companionship with a woman is because your wife isn't touching your penis.
  • If There's Any Hair Left, It's White According to another listicle we read, hair down there turns gray and falls out with age. Once again, John McCain is old.
  • It Is Untroubled By Ethical Lapses In this respect, John McCain's penis is no different than yours.
  • It Stays The Course Iraq is winnable, and given the proper attention, and enough time (it may be a long time), his penis, too, will succeed in its mission.