Gawker
So now that we know everything we need to know about balls and penises, we've turned our attention to politics, and to the penis of John McCain, the man—the hero—who could be our next president. After the jump, five important facts about John McCain's penis.
- It Probably Doesn't Work Too Well I know, I know, his mom is in great shape. Dude is still 71.
- Untouched By Cindy Since 1989 Even if John McCain didn't have sex with that lobbyist, the only reason to seek any kind of companionship with a woman is because your wife isn't touching your penis.
- If There's Any Hair Left, It's White According to another listicle we read, hair down there turns gray and falls out with age. Once again, John McCain is old.
- It Is Untroubled By Ethical Lapses In this respect, John McCain's penis is no different than yours.
- It Stays The Course Iraq is winnable, and given the proper attention, and enough time (it may be a long time), his penis, too, will succeed in its mission.
Comments
I just don't know what to say anymore.
Servicey!
That picture, coupled with this post, has driven me to want a very, very dry and cold Martini to calm my shattered nerves. Oh, well, it's 5:00 somewhere.
ok no i did not want to read that the hair falls out with age.
6. His pubic region is dried with a hair dryer at the gym.*
*Apparently, on their 65th birthday men receive a rulebook stating, among other things, that their pubic region must be blown dry when displayed in public.
I thought his penis was still a POW.
I bet it's spotted.
@WideStanceRomancer: It's still wearing a helmet?
@TheHonJudgeSmails:
Where, and by whom?
Although John McCain would like you to believe his penis curves proudly to the right, it actually hangs right down the middle.
7. He named it "soft money".
Most importantly, Obama's penis is way more presidential than McCain's, so we should just elect him and get it over with already.
let's just nip this forced meme-feature in the bud, rebecca. i know we've only got a short amount of time left together (two days? four days? until the 31st?)
let's make the best of them.
stop talking about penis. and balls. and john mccain's penis. and balls.
let's talk more about hilarious web video, rick astley and nick douglas.
thanks.
In my vast experience, the Irish are well-hung. So there's that.
@Nard38: Oh I so hope that is true.
@collegecallgirl: Nailed it.
this commodification of the male genitalia must stop now if men want true equalit... oh, wait... never mind.
8. When erect, it's still shorter than his ball sack.
9. He had a penis eight hundred miles long and two hundred and ten miles in diameter, but practically all of it was in the fourth dimension.
His semen is unusually salty.
...
Um, somebody told me that, really.
*slinks off, shamefaced*
10. His penis is water torture ready.
This recent spate of genital-listicles is a disturbing trend. A right journalistic race to the anus, I say!
McCain's penis is 100 years long.
11. He calls his testicles "Feingold."
@flossy: I nominate fiveinchtaint to write that item.
11: He hasn't seen it in years, but he misses it terribly and thinks of it often.
12. The longer he and it are together, the more they look alike.
12. "Campaign finance reform" euphemism for shaving pubes.
13. Nicknames penis "Grand Old Party... In My Pants!"
14. Is how he got the Nancy Reagan endorsement.
15. Calls it "the only Republican Superdelegate."
"the only reason to seek any kind of companionship with a woman is because your wife isn't touching your penis."
You go on believing THAT!
Irish curse...all bags, no pipes
I think it's reached the point where we have to ask Hannibal Lecter where Rebecca's being held.
16. Is how he got Joe Lieberman to be his friend.
16. When he kept saying "The Surge is working" he wasn't referring to Iraq.
17. Was one of "Roll Call's weirdest Covers of 2008."
18. Was one of the founding members of the Puppetry of the Penis show and would nightly re-enact the Fall of Saigon.
19. Refuses to stay at the Hanoi Hilton.
20. Likes to utter "Don't Cross Swords!!!" in the company of men.
18. Flutters in the wind regally like our nation's flag.
19. He calls it "Rovey".
21. Is responsible for filling all the reservoirs in the state of Arizona.
22. Wears a loincloth that says "Don't Tread On Me"
23. Will singlehandedly deliver Ohio, Florida, Texas and Nebraska for the Republicans.
24. Is very good friends with torture victim John Wayne Bobbitt's penis.
25. Favorite joke: "The penis, mightier than the sword."
25. Wants to give "Last Call With Carson Daly" one more chance because he sees himself in Carson Daly. Figuratively. He thinks.
Wa-a-a-it! Doesn't Cindy refer to it as "Swiftboat"?
26. His Penis is Old. And Dead.
27. Won't go on vacation in the Virgin Islands, on principle.
28. Says Steve Forbes stole the idea for a "flat tax" from him.
No Penis action For Old Man
30. Was harshly rebuffed by George W. Bush during 2000 Iowa Caucus.
29. Drives a Ford.
29. Back in the day used to work as a roadie for Tommy Lee's penis.
31. Hates books, cooks, hooks, kooks, looks, nooks, Ooks, and rooks.
30. His Penis is like a Giant Squid's capable of unleashing a firehose-strength amount of semen.
32. Will kick Ralph Nader's ass.
33. Dodged sniper fire in war-torn Bosnia after making a corkscrew landing.
34. Helped to write a bill outlawing cold water which causes shrinkage.
34. Thought "The Audacity of Hope" was utter shit.
29. Goes by 'Straight Cock Express'