"Excelsior" ?
Wrong nerd reference, non-nerd.

This is actually what happens when you send a bunch of not overbright kids to live in the middle of the sticks of Vermont.

Colleges? Seriously? That wasn't a typo that was supposed to read "65 elementary schools"? Sigh...this is the saddest thing I've ever seen.

Well, at least there wasn't an acapella group involved.

How do they make the Snitch fly?

How many of them go to the schools nominated for Gawker's Douchiest Liberal Arts College contest?

@JudgeFudge: Wouldn't put it past most Ivies.

@Conbon: Magic. Duh.

The first sentence of this write-up is what happens when kids are discouraged from reading and then grow up to be bloggers.

One must realize, however, that freshmen at these colleges, like, GREW UP READING THESE BOOKS. They were born in like 1990! The rest of us older dorkwads started reading Harry Potter on the subway in our late 20's.

@JudgeFudge:
What happens to a capella singers after they graduate? Are there community-based adult a capella leagues they can join?

please don't tell me they get a varsity letter for this. i can't wait for the day that a resume crosses my desk with "Varsity Quidditch" captain on it.

You guys don't play??? After our 'spellbinding' game we go and have a Harry Potter themed orgy.

This story is utterly impossible. You cannot play Quidditch without flying.

@CodePink: I wanted to write my college app essay on Harry Potter. My guidance counselor wouldn't let me. This was 2001, when only the first three books were available. I blame her for not getting into Hogwarts.

What happened to doing drugs and having unsafe sex? College kids are lame these days.

they must get all the babes

@Botswana Meat Commission FC: Some of them go pro.

After the match, the losers go home dejected, taking comfort in the loving arms of their real dolls. But the winners...the winners hold their heads high and triumphantly return home to celebrate their great victory...er...in the loving arms of their real dolls.

Quidditch needs a wizard Jackie Robinson.

Expecto patronum, bitch!

@FitnessMadeSimple: and then they go through their wardrobe to meet the lion and the witch.

The future is f*cked.

This is not a new revelation.

@mitchel_stevens: But let me take this opportunity to say that Stan Lee is an embarrassment.

And I chose Duke over Middlebury. FUCK ME.

@Conbon: You are right to blame her. Now stop drawing a lightning bolt shaped scar on your forehead with your Mom's eyeliner.

@Lonesome_George: Maybe they're on Salvia.

Due to time and space constraints, next week's match will be held on the archery range.

J. K. Rowling should sue those pricks.

@JorgeLuisGorgeous: I was very close to being on of those Quidditch-playing people. As it stands, probably due only to where I go to school, I'm one of the ones doing drugs and having unsafe sex while making fun of the cape-wearing, Quidditch-playing people.

I think Gawker might have contributed a little bit to my development.

But basically, yay drugs and unsafe sex!

@TheHonJudgeSmails: told you. knew this was coming...

The penalty box in Quidditch is pretty harsh. You have to sit in it for 10 minutes while somebody reads out loud Harry Potter fan fiction.

@hypocriteoath: weird your message to smails never posted. stupid internet.

Ok, this is taking nerdcore way too far. These people should be cockpunched.

what happened to just getting stoned and playing frisbee golf or frolf if you will

@anotherbadlydressedmidwesterner: I second that reference to the first sentence.

Alternately: NERDS!!!!!

+ Watch video

@Botswana Meat Commission FC: I don't know about Adult community acapella groups...I think most people with a backrgound in acapella move on, get jobs, lead normal lives. At parties they might try and impress their friends with their 'vocal precusion skills' when Sublime's "What I Got" or that "Chicken de China" song by the Barenaked Ladies comes on, but overall I think they lead a completely acapella-free life post college.

@Cheap Shot:
that's only at British primary schools.

@nevermind_me: The lax team will take care of that.

(Cringes)

@nevermind_me: Those are two of the most loathsome institutions in these United States.

Its depressing to reflect that most members of the "Greatest Generation" had already killed a Nazi at this point in their lives. How's THAT for a fucking extra-curricular activity.

Imagine this lot on Omaha Beach...

If you read, don't look back. I'll be reading the other page.

The length of this clip is kind of the most upsetting part.

U are all a bunch of haters, I think this is sooo cute.

@Disgruntled_Platonist: They also didn't have to go to school with brown people . . . or (in the case of many colleges) girls. Yeah, those were the good old days.

@Bell County:
and no.
stan lee may be a tired shell of a man, but he gave us spider-man. well, technically. sort of. partially.
oh whatever, fuck stan lee and stripperella.

fine, yes.

@Botswana Meat Commission FC: There ARE community-based adult a cappella leagues. My landlord is in one. In exchange for affordable rent, I am strongly encouraged to attend his performances.

These are the concessions one makes to live in a nice house with hardwood floors in a nice neighborhood.

@CodePink: That's no excuse. They're pretending they're riding brooms. I could almost accept it if they just didn't have the brooms.

WAIT, WAIT. Aren't those the vibrating brooms? If so, those make me violently Quidditch. Quidditch: Because kids need hobbies.

@hottherapisttypegrrrl:
wait, you violent people too?
wtf.

It's interesting how they don't address how staggeringly stupid Quidditch is as a sports concept.
"We're the chasers. We get the ball, and shoot it through the hoop."
"We're the beaters, we hinder the chasers."
"I'm the keeper, proving this is essentially soccer"
"I'm the seeker, I render everybody else in the game fucking useless."

Check to the alumni fund withheld. Diploma to be burned.