Gawker
Webster's Dictionary defines commenting as what you do when you are sitting at your desk and your eyes feel like they might fall out because you have been looking at the same spreadsheet for an hour but all you can see is a view of the grass from the porch of your friend's college apartment where you used to get drunk and stoned and feel great about life so you decide to let go of the spreadsheet for a minute or two or sixty. Or, you know, it's just something silly and fun. Whatever. After the jump, find our five favorite from this week.
"Gay Hulk sad. No smash today. Just sit, think."
"'I'm diluting your brand' is the new 'I'm crushing your head.'
"With the value of the dollar these days, it only feels like 5 million pounds." [Thanks, Rebecca!]
"The fashion choices of early 70's high school students: ultimately not that interesting." [Thanks, Hamilton!]
"Did Google molest her child?
When I was 5, I found a Hustler magazine on a playground. Rather than being traumatized, I was just confused as to why the lady had on no clothes other than socks and a hat. It's too bad my mother didn't have a resource to turn to, to talk about what had happened to me. Then maybe I wouldn't have this weird sock and hat fetish."
Your Party Pick this week went to a commenter who's been mostly absent of late, LolCait, who rambled incoherently and at ridiculous length in Washington Post Not Brought to You by the Letter F:
"How about MIWLMAPSAAS. SWBTRWFBH. AMIASW. WWGSCNSGDSBNSSABIWCCWWMLBMVAISMTWHRI. BTRWSISWCSWIDHBHC. WWSEOOMWAKSR. SWGMTTBLTYHHHMIWFWPPPIM. TNDIWLSFNR.
Mother I Would Like to Meet At the Parents' Social At Aubrey's School. She Will Be Thin and Regal, With Flat Brown Hair. A More Inward and Angular Sigourney Weaver. We Will Go to a Small Cafe Near the School and Get Drunk on Sauvignon Blanc and We Will Remember the Nineteen Seventies and She Will Talk About Barnard and I Will Condemn Cornell and We Will Make Love in the Back of My Volvo And It Will Seem for a Moment That the World Has Righted Itself. But Then the Reality Will Set In and She Will Cry Softly While I Drive Her Back to Her Car. We Will See Each Other Once More, in the Winter, At the Kids' School Recital. She Will Give Me That Terse, Brittle Look That the Years Have Helped Her Master and I Will Feel the Weight of People and Places Pressing Into Me. The Next Day I Will Leave for Santa Fe and Never Return. "
Good job, everyone! Cait, I miss you.
Comments
Awesome job, everyone!!! Oh, and that LOLCait should be a real writer on Gawker!
Cait's a commenter?
hey -- when does "the tudors" premiere?
Why is this so early? I was totally going to make a winning comment in like an hour or so.
Well done all! Especially raphaela and cait.
@raphaela: I was really hoping the "Did Google molest her child?" comment would get a commie. Glad it did.
P.S.: Nard, very strong work of late. Keep bringing it.
What sort of restaurant will you open?
Where's my fucking nomination, Sheila McOpaque?
@MattGaymon: There, he will chatting not about Heidegger but wine (i-e-ine).
@meechybee: Something about those ads really pissed me off all week.
I think maybe it's the Jonathan whatever-his-two-part-last-name-is actor who stars in it. I had the misfortune of seeing Match Point and I've disliked him ever since...probably just because he played a douchey character in it, but still.
@CodePink: *be chatting. Whatever. I'm dumb. That's why my comments make an appearance under the Commies and not within them.
Great job all
Congratulations, bitches!
@CodePink: I personally dig your comments, code pinky. I felt you on the Facebook post about being a singularity of eternal singleness. Ugh, I can't believe I'm going to have to reenter the dating pool.
@CodePink: Your comments always appear within the Commies in my heart...or something.
Isn't this early today? Not that there's anything wrong with that. Congrats all!
@CodePink: You know what I bet you can spell? AIDS.
I missed this whole damn week, but looks like everyone was funny without me. Rats -- i mean, Congrats! Woo!
i'm starting to think that this isn't being done scientifically
Yes, definitely, thanks Rebecca!
Gay hulk happy now?
@Malegirdle: Hah.
@Malegirdle: Methinkssotoo... Oh well. Maybe next time...
Where's the male torso in the red underwear? Sheesh, time for the weekend.
Great work -- all you commie winners are phat!
I said phat! Not fat! Wait! Richard, put that axe down!
Not that my opinion counts for much, guttersnipe and all. but these really are very deserving.
@Richard: I want to share my enthusiasm for the Party Pick.
@In Other News...: You were also on fire this week -- especially here: [gawker.com] There were so many good onesbut if I had to pick one I think my favorite was: [John MCCain calls his penis] "the only Republican Super-Delegate."
@Conbon: That was a very commie-worthy post.
@AndSheSaid: I'm enthusiastic about all the winners -- congrats! I'm just sentimental about the party pick.
Nice job everyone!
I always find the choice right on!
And I am linking a picture of my grumpy face because it snowed yesterday, and not because I'm pissed I can't come up with Commie Deserving Comments.
Grrrrr: [chicagoist.com]
Way to ho there folks way to ho.
@Hez: If they still gave out awards for being servicey you would have won for your public service comments on drummers' muskynuts. The more you know!
Whoa, I guess I don't know my own funniness.
I said what I said 'cause I have nothing but contempt and suspicion for those who play with the uglier ends of seventies-eighties clothing. I don't see why that era beguiles so many. (Keep in mind I wear aloha and cowboy shirts. I like my tacky older school, I s'pose.)
Gay hulk is my fave one.
@AndSheSaid: I had several commie-worthy posts yesterday afternoon, but commenting was broken. It's probably a good thing. I was so funny yesterday that every editor would have picked me, and then everyone else would have been all jealous of the insurmountable commie-sweeping feat that would henceforth be known as "The Conbon."
I think I spend too much time thinking about this stuff.
@AndSheSaid: The approval I got at your contest is the only approval I'll ever need (or get).
La Cieca has been a long time favorite. Awesome.
I feel remiss not to have sent in this gem, though: [gawker.com] Hamud's a contendah.
@Conbon: I was partial to this one: [gawker.com]
I think this competition is biased towards the gay.
every week this reminds me of that scene from cider house rules where michael caine wishes everyone good night and then huffs ether.
mainly because i'm huffing ether and thinking i'm michael caine.
@BeRightBack: Yeah, and commie winners don't get prizes! Be Right Back won the first writing contest on my (now missing) gawker blogette. The second contest will be re-announced later on today once a new site has been established.
Well done, all.
Fuckers.
@mitchel_stevens: Well, I'm Michael Caine, and it's Lemon Pledge.
@Conbon: That's not what "The Conbon" means and you know it.
@AndSheSaid: My bloggette was servicey in a lot of ways. I think I won a few Stiffies for it, actually.
@KarenUhOh: Thanks. I'll try not to let you down.
@Hez: Gay Hulk took day to reflect. Probably end up in "K Hole" tonight.
@Cheap Shot: Thanks.
Yay for the winners!
You people should get awards for this shit!
@KarenUhOh: Truly.
@AndSheSaid: Hey, thanks. :-)
@KarenUhOh:
Exactly.
Good work, everyone.
And to all a good night!
This is particularly gratifying because I spent last night thinking I was executed (due to the commenting glitches). I read all my old comments listening to "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye" by Boyz II Men drinking absintne and Diet RC Cola.
@FitnessMadeSimple: It's like I won an Oscar.
I would like to thank everyone who made this moment possible for me. The overly dramatic mother for writing the story in the first place, the precocious children for having the courage to sate their curiousity, Google for making the internet such a wonderland of pr0n, and Al Gore for inventing it. The internet, not pr0n.
Oh, and also my husband. Because if I don't remember to thank him, you'll all just assume our marriage is in trouble. And it isn't. Because I frequently Google information on how to $@#& like a demon.
Thank you. Thank you.
gay Hulk make me lol.
Good work all. Nard, I'm falling in love with you.
@Unfun: Ah, now VWS knows that your love truly does just go the way of the Commie...
(Kidding!)
Great work, everyone!!
@DorothyMantooth: That's funny - I just called her a "commie-groupie" about five minutes ago!
@VirusWithShoes: @DorothyMantooth: Of course I meant with his WORDS. You bunch of perverts.
Hello family.I'm late to the party. Will be working an intensive course from Sunday to next Saturday in the Pyrenees, which this time of year are lovely (flowers have stared blooming)but cold (in this village, two snowstorms so far this week, which blew away or melted in 12 hours). Will try to keep up with the FNFF. Please someone leave a message on my personal Gawker page and let me know where the shenanigans are taking place. Love to all the Commie winners. LoLCait, you are are heart and soul. Besos para todos.
@SarahHeartburn: If there's any room left in t@SarahHeartburn: If yu have room for another dude tonight, lemme know too.
@Conbon: Tell me about it! I rocked yesterday! Were you like me, and still tried to post even though they didn't show up?
I would like to nominate Conbon for his comment yesterday " ". Hilarious!
@bjonston: For the record, I nominated your Robert Service Poem [gawker.com] :
This re-imagining manages to take the Edenic paradise of the Garden, and indeed, of the lyric poem, and render its sacred meanings utterly profane. And yet, somehow, there seems something apt in bringing the naked body back into the garden, recalling that time before the fall -- when there was no toil and strife, and nutsackery ruled the day. Indeed, Service's original version is somehow less convincing in its attempt to keep the sickness of the world at bay. On the other hand (so to speak) bjonston's version convinces us that the speaker's can truly block out all that is wrong in the world--anything that is not part of nutsackery universe. We sense that this speaker is a voice of experience -- he has retreated to his "paradise" many times in order to enjoy its raptures. We suspect that he may indeed inhabit a world of nothing but ballsack.
Sadly, the Gawker poetry editor said they were only considering poems written in the villanelle form this week.