"I just love violent pornography!"

"I just farted. Isn't that delightful?"

Woman buys all 17 copies of her own book.

Mirren, Mirren On The Wall

is a lot like what Richard said!

Mirren Kin Haz Two Faces?

4 out of 5 Helen Mirrens aren't particularly amused by your little jokes.

"Now don't put these in the rafters, okay?"

Helen Mirren Launches New Barnes & Noble Section, Remainders Of The Day

"National Treasure's Book of Secrets"

Nailed it.

"Why yes, I am the author.

International Treasure Displays Book of Secrets

"Look at that! Pink and gray! How fabulous!"

"No, I am not signing 'Caligula' DVDs today," Mirren tells fan. "Just this book."

@dweeb: Ha!

DOES the carpet match the curtains? You tell me!

"Oh my, I didn't think they would really call Chapter 17 'Suck It, Judi Dench!'"

"really, well ask mr. dickens where he keeps his oscar."

The Mirren Has Five Faces

Oscar Winner Enjoys Chuckle At Being Called "Event"; Later Kills Store Manager

"Oh Dear, I Thought This was 'Borders'!"

@In Other News...: Yay!

"Cate Blanchett also has a book - a coloring book!"

Fictitious Queen Rules Cardboard Kingdom

"I'm just thinking about all those Gawker commenters and their Sharpie jokes!"

"Delightful! Now make one more Queen reference and I'll cut your bollocks off."

"If you don't buy this book, I will shove it down your throat, page by page."

"Noble" of Barnes & Noble Revealed; "Barnes" Just Some B-List Schlub

Sylph-Like GILF Writes Book With (Too Little) Filth

"WILL YOU PLEASE STOP CALLING IT BARNES AND NOBLESSS????"

"Queen of All Books That Look Like Me! Bwaa-ha-ha!"

"Don't be silly - there is no calligraphy or engravings in this book!"

"But of COURSE there's plenty of shagging in these pages!"

Dorian Gray, The Early Years

Loss of innocence: "There is NOT a Starbucks in this bookstore, you fool!"

Early onset doddering causes Brit actress/author's upper lip to prematurely stiffen.

"i have no idea,sir. what's white and hairy and lies at the bottom of the ocean?"

"My debut album drops in June."

@In Other News...: Ahahahahaha!

B&N Customers Treated to Book Singing by Dyslexic Actress

@fiveinchtaint: It's a hip-hop hooray album, artfully titled, The Tortoise and the Hair, about slow-moving careers and wonderful silver tressed goddesses. Here is a rhyme to which, if you prefer, can be added a fat beat or two:

I'm Helen Mirren and I'm here to say
Though I be old, I am still quite gay!
As in merry, my love, merry like Santa.
In my country people don't drink Coke, they drink Fanta.
You heard. What. What. Uh-huh. That's right.
Don't give up the hot matronly fight.

@CodePink: You had me at hot matronly fight.

Cate who? Oh you silly boy! hahaha!

@CodePink: I love that rap album jam! Doesn't it go on?

Hey ho, here we go,
I'm the best Queen you ever did know
I got white on top, Manolos on the bottom
Now everyone smoke blunts if you got 'em.
Maybe we can eat fish 'n chips after
Yo, you wanna hold my BAFTA?

@Richard:
Some say I'm a late bloomin' wench,
got off the bench, gave my seat to Dench.
Word, you heard, hell, that's the story.
Now go and give my hair color to Tori.
Spelling, that is, girl got problems,
Like Vanilla Ice, I'll be the one to solve 'em.

@In Other News...: Gosford, park your ass over here next to me!

@CodePink:
I did good work on BBC's Prime Suspect
But it still took forever to get some REspect.
Saw Tony Blair on the London tube
Said "Hey Tony Blair, why are you a boob?"
He took one look at me, said "Oh, dear Helen,
unlike you, I'm not very gellin'"

gellin, gellin, gellin
eh eh eh

Eat it, Princess Di!

@Richard:
That was a sample, mixed-up Rihanna.
Now I would like to smoke marijuana!
You wouldn't know it, to look at me,
but I like to feed on righteous weed,
the green seed, I heed to, the ganja, the jane,
it's insane, when you're famous like Hellen Mirrane.

@belltolls: I'm a fan of this caption.

@CodePink: It's actually a note-for-note remake of Milli Vanilli's All or Nothing album with the lyrics rewritten for insomniacs.

Ba ba ba ba baby
Don't upset my slumber

I've been searching high
I've been searching low
For some goddamned melatonin

@CodePink:

They say I am a Sexy Sadie
I get the looks from all the straighties
And though I am an older lady
I'll still be hot when in my eighties!

@CodePink:
Look here, look there, look at me I'm British
When fans come up to me sometimes they act all skittish.
All I say when I say is that I'm really nice
It's just the people that I play who are cold as ice.
So I give an autograph and they start to smile
It feels good, I start to laugh, happy for a while.

@TedSez:
Eighty-one, eighty-two, eighty-three, eighty-four
octogenarian mother-virgin-whore.
That's not quite exactly what I am,
but I still think it's appropriate to this said certain jam.

@fiveinchtaint: Is it? I thought that was just the B-Sides? Still, an amazing tune in its own right, man, no doubt.

@CodePink:
@Richard:

Though I often play royals, I am quite saucy
With my husband Taylor I can be quite bossy!
I'm not too prissy and I'm sure not twee,
In many of my films you can see all of me!
No, I never was afraid that you would find me nude --
I'm both a queen and a Prime Suspect for my attitude!

"No, I don't know when The Tudors is on!"

Is it bad that I find her breasts enviable?

@TedSez: hot. i could do this all night because i'm a dorkwad. but i should probs leave work. bye ted!!

@Richard: @CodePink: Which one of you is Wayne Brady?

"I'm 62 and still way hotter than you!"

@Spirit Fingers: No. you could see her nude in this clip: