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It seems that Heathers writer Daniel Waters is shoring up his cult following in the wake of Diablo Cody, Brad Ingelsby and newly crowned "it" scribe Tollbooth Guy. In a Los Angeles Times profile hailing his return, Waters digs deep and delivers the johnny-come-latelies a clear message: just because you wrote Hudson Hawk and Demolition Man, it doesn't mean you're not certifiably out-there. Defamer breaks down the methods of his madness, below (but be warned — only a person with the exact right balance of self-worth and self-loathing should attempt such a feat at home).

1. Living where a Hollywood legend died.
Not only is it dark and mysterious that Waters owns the house Orson Welles spent his last years in, he can make impressive and acerbic remarks about it. "I wanted to get that Citizen Kane mojo. Instead, I'm getting...the hanging out with Henry Jaglom, doing wine commercials and magic tricks part of his life. I mean, I enjoy my life, but come on — where's my Touch of Evil?"

2. Making overly casual references to suicide.
"I don't even have that drawer full of Orson Welles projects that never got made. Sex and Death 101 came out of just wanting something in the drawer, so that when I'm dangling from a noose above it, there it is."

3. Invoking a "them."
"You kid yourself into thinking, 'I'm going to do one for them and one for me,' and then you realize they're all for them."

4. Turning success into a dirty word.
"I can't start writing unless it's got, whether misguided or not, a philosophical payload. My brother [Mean Girls director Mark Waters] is much better at that. My favorite story is I walked into a restaurant and my brother was on a cellphone, and he said, 'No, I love the idea of Tom Cruise as the dog.' I don't know, and I don't want to know."

5. Employing no less than four "this artsy thing" meets "this incredibly populist thing" statements of witty incongruity.
"Buñuel-meets-Caddyshack sensibility."
"Neil Simon adapting Georges Bataille."
"Roman Polanski directing Seinfeld."
"Jean Renoir meets Meatballs. "

And thus, with those five steps, Waters reveals his well-crafted "damage", hopefully vanquishing the newcomers and convincing you to buy a ticket this Friday to his latest effort, Sex and Death 101. Sold? Because if not, he's got a length of rope and a killer note prepped (sing with me now, "Screenwriter suicide: don't do it!").

[Photo Credit: LAT]