How Did Perez Hilton Steal My Boyfriend?

So, uh, you know John Mayer, right? The totally dreamy, maybe a bit annoying, pop singer and adept professional celebrity who dated Jessica Simpson? Right. Well, he's gone and done what some might call "the unthinkable." He, um, made out with Perez Hilton. Shriek! The newly svelte-ish celebrity blogger, whose real name is Mario Lavandeira, is dishing on his site about the night he sucked mug with John freaking Mayer and I just can't stand it. So what exactly happened here? Yes it was obviously tectonic plates shifting and odd cosmic bits of whimsy like sun spots or something, but there has to be a more terrestrial reason for all of this.

The way we rationalize it is this: Perez Hilton, for once in his miserable pink-stained life, doesn't look too bad, and John Mayer is just a cool cat (shoot me) who doesn't really need to defend his sexuality. So this was probably a business discussion. One that ended with a guarantee of good coverage (for a while) for John and the makings of an excellent deb ball for the new Skinny Perez. I guess society is progressing when all this amounts to is a silly little PR stunt, not some shameful closeted saga. Business, pleasure, or whatever else, we make a small, solemn wish: May John continue his journey of making out with generally unlovable 'mos who write for gossip blogs. Some of us currently look resplendent in pajamas and tear-stained cheeks. Possible photo documentation of the make-out foreplay is below. Minds are boggled. [Everything from Perez]

How Did Perez Hilton Steal My Boyfriend?

How Did Perez Hilton Steal My Boyfriend?S

Correction: The alleged makeout supposedly took place back in 2006. So Perez is not newly "svelte-ish." I guess this incident was before the big weight gain. Still though. Ew.