Gawker
So, uh, you know John Mayer, right? The totally dreamy, maybe a bit annoying, pop singer and adept professional celebrity who dated Jessica Simpson? Right. Well, he's gone and done what some might call "the unthinkable." He, um, made out with Perez Hilton. Shriek! The newly svelte-ish celebrity blogger, whose real name is Mario Lavandeira, is dishing on his site about the night he sucked mug with John freaking Mayer and I just can't stand it. So what exactly happened here? Yes it was obviously tectonic plates shifting and odd cosmic bits of whimsy like sun spots or something, but there has to be a more terrestrial reason for all of this.
The way we rationalize it is this: Perez Hilton, for once in his miserable pink-stained life, doesn't look too bad, and John Mayer is just a cool cat (shoot me) who doesn't really need to defend his sexuality. So this was probably a business discussion. One that ended with a guarantee of good coverage (for a while) for John and the makings of an excellent deb ball for the new Skinny Perez. I guess society is progressing when all this amounts to is a silly little PR stunt, not some shameful closeted saga. Business, pleasure, or whatever else, we make a small, solemn wish: May John continue his journey of making out with generally unlovable 'mos who write for gossip blogs. Some of us currently look resplendent in pajamas and tear-stained cheeks. Possible photo documentation of the make-out foreplay is below. Minds are boggled. [Everything from Perez]
Correction: The alleged makeout supposedly took place back in 2006. So Perez is not newly "svelte-ish." I guess this incident was before the big weight gain. Still though. Ew.
Comments
He's pointing to where he feels a cold sore coming on.
This just confirms my suspicions that everyone is gay.
Overweight goth girls across America now believe they have a chance with John Mayer.
@EleanorRigby: Or preparing to smell his finger.
Oh, Richard. John Mayer is the worst. Please don't fail me.
That lube has gone to his head.
So that's what "svelte" looks like?
@TheHonJudgeSmails: He's handsome. And a decent guitarist. Also a d-bag. But you dig on female versions of d-bags sometimes, I bet. I'm not defending Richard. I'm defending myself. I'd like for John Mayer to wonderland me.
@collegecallgirl: Or with Perez.
Is this a Pop Fiction stunt?
OR...John Mayer is in that wobbly-legged newborn foal phase of coming out when you make some, um...bad decisions? I'm just taking a total shot in the dark here...I wouldn't know anything about that personally.
@TheHonJudgeSmails: If he's good enough for Doree and Balk...
Who's next for John? The "Guanabee My Friend" dude?
Oh, Perez. Your body is a wonderlandmine.
@NinaHagen: Nope, that's what "svelte-ish" looks like.
@NinaHagen: If by "svelte" Richard meant "pudgetastic", then yes.
How long will J Simpson stare at her computer screen with her mouth open before she is able to "think" again?
@collegecallgirl: Yes maybe we DO actually have a chance with John Mayer. . . Oh dreams they really do come true.
Is John Mayer bi now? This just proves my theory that the only people who can be bisexual are women and famous men.
@collegecallgirl: Right? Top of the muffin to ya!
@NinaHagen: I think by "svelte" Richard meant "Shrek."
Without clear and irrefutable evidence of penetration, this is just a gag to appeal to Perez's college girl audience and to make John look hip, which he's like so totally not.
How better to erase the stain of a Jessica Simpson that to play-boink Mario?
It's like the whole relationship George meets independent George.
A George divided against itself cannot stand!
ooh look, Hell's here
Isn't making out with Perez more like bestiality?
@Itsjustcatnip: Until actual chicken comes from the sea.
@businesspearl: Hey, I love me some overweight goth girls. Just pointing out that Perez looks ilke one.
@CodePink: @Bell County: I don't know what to say.
Do you think maybe lurking in John Mayer there is a little Jim Morrison? I'm just THROWING THAT OUT THERE
Perez has the Frau Blücher thing going - "He was my....BOYFRIEND!"
well, richard, on the bright side:
you still are closer (geographically) to mayer than perez. just stalk pinkberry.
@Itsjustcatnip: This is a trick question. I could tell by the "again."
Those pics of Perez and John are apparantly from Dec 31 2006.... lame.
@collegecallgirl: @BettyCrocker: You guys HAVE seen what he looked like before, right? Take a look back and you'll agree that "svelte-ish," while maybe a relative term, definitely works in this case.
@MattGaymon: Don't go there - no one looked better in leather pants than Jim Morrison.
@Itsjustcatnip: For once Jessica Simpson's tits realize they have competition.
John Mayer looks a little bit like Marc Anthony in that first picture.
Richard, did I sufficiently turn you off him with that observation?
so when's the porno comin' out
How about this for a theory? John Mayer was out of his mind on drugs?
@MattGaymon: Also possibly lurking in John Mayer: Perez's chipped nail polish.
I think John's just a guy trying to get bi. Curious?
+ Watch video
@Richard: I was agreeing with you!
@CodePink: I would like John to run the halls of my high school till I scream at the top of my lungs
@Richard: Even if he took another 30% off, I still wouldn't buy it. But, okay. Sveltesque.
@collegecallgirl: Oh sorry. Meant that for NinaHagen.
@Richard: He used to be legitimately skinny, long ago in land far away called Manhattan. Amazing how much weight he gained moving to LA
@NinaHagen: And probably out of them too.
Why would anyone want to makeout with that thing? I call shenanigans. Someone's getting punk'd.
@valarmorghulis: It's a trick question because she doesn't know how to get a "picture-thingy" when the screen is dark and Daddy and her assistant aren't around.
@StrawBerryShortCake: He's gonna bust out my double doors, tell you that right now.
@Richard: Yes he is looking better but - oh fuck it - I have to do my taxes and you are just tempting me into some sort of temptation thing...that siren song...
Relax, Richard, this is from the man who had inside knowledge of Castro's secret death before Castro himself. The gossip sites are jonesin' for quality scandal of late, so Perez is forced to generate it.
@Aatom: Or necrophilia?
The only thing this proves is that John Mayer is indeed a publicity whore.
@TheHonJudgeSmails: I agree. You can do better, Richard.
@CodePink: Some of us have higher expectations for others than we do for ourselves, mostly because of the terrible things our mothers said to us when we were little.
@BalknChain: And the demons are ice-skating!
@BalknChain: Too late, upon picturing anyone making out with Perez, I broke the glass on the emergency cyanide capsule I've been keeping for just such an occasion. Is it getting dark in here?
@scroll_lock: Please courier one my way. Honestly, I feel nauseated just imagining this.
And poor Jessica Simpson. She boned a guy who has sucked face with Perez Hilton. That makes Johnny Knoxville, by comparison, seem like Lloyd Dobler.
@moff: Um, you've met me. There's really no better I can do.
@moff: Handsome is handsome is handsome sometimes, brother.
@CodePink: for real though a road trip with him could be amazing, one mile for every inch....yes please!
or come to think of it that might be a quick trip depending......Mr Mayer any time you want to prove yourself I am ready and waiting
@Richard & CodePink: Yeah, actually he's pretty dreamy.
@Trixie from Toronto: Hey, you're up to your old Trixie again! (although the doll avatar for Tippi was too cute)
This is too much like the sickening ancient rumor about Jim Nabors and Rock Hudson. (not that I'd equate Mayer with Hudson, of course, just talking about the level of bile generated)
@moff: ha!@scroll_lock: I took my Potassium Iodide pill (yes, I live that close to a nuclear plant, expalins so much)and a Cipro and washed 'em down with bourbon. It's all I had.
@Trixie from Toronto: no one insults johnny knoxville in my presence. NO ONE!
I mean really, what is more shocking here is how many times Perez has been referred to as "skinny" or even mildly "good looking"......ick
@BalknChain:
And it's now a Winter Wonderland!
[projectile vomiting as I type]