God Sheds a Tear, Shoots Self at News of 'Short Circuit' Remake

Mere days after the news of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure 3 flared a fresh ulcer in our cultural digestive tract, news over the wire says Bob Weinstein is planning his own Apocalypse Pre-Game Show with a remake of the 1986 hit Short Circuit. The original featured Steve Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy in top form as the annoying flesh-and-blood foils of a stupid fucking wise-cracking government robot named Johnny Five, who gets struck by goddamned lightning and finds Gadget Jesus or some bullshit that changes his whole global perspective to pro-peace/disarmament/"fuck you Ronald Reagan." But wait — it gets worse.

The original asshole writers, S.S. Wilson and Brent Maddock, will return for another round of well-paid douchebaggery, which Weinstein's Dimension Films will foist on the American public as a "worthy addition to its family film slate" at a dark date to be determined. Self-loathing producer David Foster is coming back as well, pledging to "factor in advances in technology" and maximize soul-destroying audience pandering. No word yet on whether the shrill Indian scientist so expertly stereotyped by Fisher Stevens will make his own comeback, but whether it's Stevens or Guttenberg or fake-ass CGI or anything else you can conjure to make this anti-idea worse, that's what Weinstein will deliver. God is dead, goodbye cruel world. Seriously, fuck this movie.