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Moby, the beep-boop musician who unfortunately can't stop talking about himself, speaks to Salon today in that very particularly grating way that only Moby can. His formula, I'm figuring out, is to vigorously agree with every insult you throw his way, then go off on tangents about how, hey, he's not like all the other yuppies who act exactly how he acts, because of his revolutionary sympathies against our white male-dominated society. Then, speak much too openly about his own sexuality and personal problems. He follows this pattern today, reminiscing that "When I was DJing in the late '80s, more often than not I'd be the only white person in the club, and I found that strangely comforting." You'll surely have that gay minority child one day, Moby! So, please tell us more than we want to know about your sex life now!
New York magazine recently called you a "stealth slut." What does that mean?
More often than not, whenever gossip has been written about me, the gossip is more interesting than the reality. I know some public figures hate gossip, but personally I like it because it makes my life sound more glamorous and interesting than it really is.A part of me wants to sort of try and sound cool and feed this myth that I'm some sort of glamorous lothario, but I was raised by women — my mother and her mother and my aunts — and as a result most of my friends have always been women. So I guess some people in the media will see me with lots of different women and assume that I'm dating all of them, and as unsexy as this might sound, they're just my friends. Of course, I'm not a saint; occasionally I go out and get drunk and go home with a stranger, but I'm not at Tommy Lee levels or anything.
My, thanks! But Moby, how to you keep up this frantic Lothario pace at your age?
Is it a little bit more difficult now that you're older, staying out late and going to clubs?
No — if anything, I go out more and stay out later now than I ever have. The only difference is, the recovery time is longer. When I was 19, going out and drinking all night, by noon the next day, you're fine. And now, the hangovers really do last 24 hours. It's almost like every hour that I'm out drinking is going to involve four hours being hung over. The ratio just keeps getting bigger and bigger.See, as a barely functioning alcoholic, I've tried every hangover cure. I'll stumble into the deli, and they'll have some new Russian hangover medicine, or I'll read online that it's all about bananas; it's potassium. The only thing I've found that works for me is water and Xanax. You take a Xanax, you drink a lot of water, you go to sleep for six hours, and that usually helps.
Comments
The deli - source of all my Russian hangover medicines and strange women.
As irritating as Moby can be, I am in complete agreement with his hangover remedy. It is the only thing that works, aside from Bloody Marys.
I bet he makes mouse noises during sex. "Eee! Eee!"
I din't actually find this too irritating or tmi. Ihalf-expected to hear tales of going to Toyland with strange Czech girls he picked up at newark airport while on a houston szyzurp bender...
It's not beep boop music, it's untz-untz-untz-untz music.
Hey, Moby: try taking a few more Xanax and never waking up!
Moby: the world's first self loathing straight white man. It's okay mobes, (do you mind if we call you mobes?): I loathe you too.
@BettyCrocker: It's not the bed. Also, the call is coming from inside the house.
@Calitri: And! Is that an orange pepper he's fondling, or an underripe tomato?
Remember when he revealed that he likes to walk around at events with his penis sticking out of his zipper, and brush his penis against women?
There's a myth that he's a glamorous lothario? Stop.
@BettyCrocker: Heh!
@Johnny_boy: What??? If true, link please!
@Johnny_boy: yeah, what?
@BettyCrocker: Those aren't my keys.
@BettyCrocker: By the time he's done with it, it sounds more like
Eee!
BUH-BUM BUH-BUM
Eee!
BUH-BUM BUH-BUM
(Greek female chorus)
(Electric harp)
(Refrain from obscure juke house blues recording made on paper and waffles x8)
Eee!
@Johnny_boy: Knob Touch!
moby's wrong. it's all about a tall bottle of powerade, a cool soothing floor and putting up sheets in the windows.
that's a hangover cure.
@BettyCrocker: Also, I believe it's an underdeveloped cumquat.
After reading this profile, it's no wonder Eminem beat the shit out of him.
@In Other News...: I love you. That really made my morning.
What a wuss. Xanax and water?
OTOH, I really do like Go.
[blush]
@BettyCrocker: He's already recorded it. :-)
why was moby ever cool even for 1 minute? when the "play" album came out, i was like, people, this is fake mashedup roots music with some noise over it, don't want
@mitchel_stevens: Lemon-Lime Gatorade is Gods gift to boozehounds everywhere.
That, and the quarter pounder with cheese.
@Botswana Meat Commission FC: Heyyyyy, why'd you stop?
@if_i_only_had_a_heart: "Go" was a pretty hot record in the ecstasy haze of the early nineties...
Moby, the other white meat.
@mitchel_stevens:
My trick is: if it's drinking on a weeknight, then it's vodka soda only. You're taking in three parts soda for every one part alcohol, so it's less of a diuretic overall. Then, before bed, down two pints of water or so. The hangover from this, if any, is minimal the next morning at 7 AM.
If it's a weekend, it's all beer and Jack, and then you're just fucked, hangover-wise. Lemon Gatorade, grilled cheese and bacon and drawn blinds until you go out in the evening and do it again.
@Goober_Pea: Seriously, a quarter pounder will cure what ails ya. Not so much with the Big Mac. I guess it's greasier? I don't suppose they make a vegan Royale with cheese, though.
@Nic Fit: i know! why? xxoo
@BaconCat:
Untz-Untz-Untz-Untz (stab) Untz-Untz-Untz-Untz (drum fill) Untz-Untz-Untz-Untz (blues sample) Untz-Untz-Untz-Untz (blues sample)
@Goober_Pea:
the dunkin donut omelet deluxe with bacon on a everything bagel, my friend.
and on the way to work. while horrifying your fellow passengers with its' incredible goodness.
Well, at least he's a roaring drunk, which makes Moby just a little bit less uncool in my eyes.
@Chaim Gnadelstein:
Drinking water before you pass out is the ultimate preventative medicine. The problem is that most drunkards have doublesight, not foresight.
@Fuzzy_duffel_bag: pizza before, water after
@Botswana Meat Commission FC: *Dancing*
@McCheeburger: Correction: Not Go but rather God Moving Over the Face of the Waters from the movie Heat.
Sorry, people, this is the result of my having shitty tags on my iPod.
Play through.
@Chaim Gnadelstein:
my trick: if drinking on weekdad, take a pint glass. fill it with ice. half with $5 whiskey. half with soda.
stir.
serve. continue until you find yourself watching the punisher. go to bed.
weekends:
repeat "weekday" but add in beer at some point. coney island ale or brooklyn. and then watch the punisher again.
Teany of course sells a "hangover breakfast" touted loudly in interviews and the book. Which, apparently, Moby doesn't bother to eat.
@if_i_only_had_a_heart: That is basically my rule for everything.
@mitchel_stevens:
Dolph Lundgren or Thomas Jane?
@mitchel_stevens:
note to self: make "weekdad" a reality.
[archive.salon.com]
Above is the link to the story about how Moby likes to brush his penis against women's backsides at parties.
See I was not lying. I have a fucking amazing memory.
@mitchel_stevens: The key to the quarter pounder is to eat it before you (either voluntarily or involuntarily) go to sleep.
@Johnny_boy: and he wonders why people beat him up. I can think of no hangover worse than the reality of waking up in bed next to that naked mole rat.
Hangover ingredients:
At bar:
+When you order your last drink of the night, order it "...and a water."
Before bed (as you can manage):
+As much water as you can drink
+Aspirin
+Full glass on nightstand (drink whenever you take a leak, turnover,etc.)
Next day (as available):
+Continue water consumption (or Gatoraide, or equivalent)
+Aspirin
+Good pot
+Greasy food (eat as soon as possible after waking)
+Coffee or espresso
+bj
@Chaim Gnadelstein:
Depends on the drunk level. but normally thomas jane.
dolph lundgren is reserved for when i drink top shelf. and manage to find my VHS copy, which only happens when i'm utterly hammered.
@SnarkTwain:
All in a day's work for everybody's favorite bald midget 50 year old vegan techno-raver sensitive pervert.
@CaptainFantastic:
Isn't Aspirin, in combination with alcohol, supposed to fuck up your liver?
Um, am I actually the only one that likes him? Fun shows!
Also, I wouldn't mind letting him touch me with his knob. As long as I get to go up to the dj booth and spin my ipod afterwards.
@Chaim Gnadelstein: That's acetaminophen (Tylenol). (I typed that first without checking the spelling, and got about 80% of the vowels wrong.)
@Johnny_boy: That is completely disgusting. (Also -- nice memory!)
Should I be insulted that Moby didn't attempt to brush me with his penis that time I met him at Lollapalooza in the 90s? Because I so am.
@seejanewrite: He also divulged in an interview in the 90s, I believe with Spin, his techniques for coaxing a woman into anal sex. So I'm thinking you probably shouldn't be insulted. You know, unless you're looking for more of a "tap" than a "brush."
When dating/comparing your sexual acumen, it's less than wise to pull Tommy Lee Jones out of the closet. He was in Lonesome Dove, for chrissakes.
Moby is so stupid. Next time I meet him he's going to have to remind me that his eyes "...are up HERE!" Of course, my barb-wire coat and pants will only add to the fun of the evening...
Damn. My identity has been revealed.
While I don't normally go about the business of envisioning men's penises, it occurs to me that Moby's penis might just in fact resemble a smaller version of his head. In sort of a Cronenberg, or "How To Get Ahead In Advertising", type way.