'Leatherheads' Fumbles During Opening Weekend, Casting Doubt On Clooney's Bankability

When our cultural faith is shaken to its very core by the passing of Charlton Heston and looming Short Circuit remakes, we know we can always find quiet comfort in the security of numbers. Box-office numbers, to be exact:

1. 21 - $15.1 million
The geeks-take-Vegas opus shocked observers by not only sustaining its top spot for a second consecutive week, but also by outlasting consistently sluggish reviews (thus establishing critics' rumored irrelevancy beyond a doubt and putting in motion a unilateral purge of the eight remaining full-time reviewers working in the United States).

2. Leatherheads - $13.4 million
George Clooney's latest directorial/starring effort was easily the week's most stirring disappointment, pulling in woefully less than the $20 million forecast by observers last week. Analysts point out potential stumbling blocks from a misleading marketing campaign to a football film opening on a basketball/baseball weekend, but let's face it: No film can survive an opening-weekend torpedo from the influential critical duo Reel Geezers, who "felt bad for the cameramen and everyone involved."

3. Nim's Island - $13.3 million
Before this morning we'd never even heard of this movie, the script for which a Fox executive is said to have discovered under his passenger seat while searching for his dropped Bluetooth earpiece. Was this actually released, or was this just a WGA-engineered ploy to make its newly fi-core archenemy Clooney feel worse about Leatherheads?

4. Horton Hears a Who! - $9.1 million
Plunging nearly 50 percent from its bridesmaid perch last week, Horton nevertheless sustained a Top-5 berth. Jim Carrey spent the weekend calculating the dynamics of his newfound leverage, which should be just enough to get his and Spike Jonze's Ripley's Believe it or Not adaptation pushed up to a 2017 release.

11. Stop-Loss - $2.3 million
Is Hollywood out of touch when it comes to the Iraq War? Oh, wait.