Gawker
Last week, we published the longest rant about hipster kickball in Brooklyn in the history of hipster kickball. It turns out that there's more to the story: BKKB co-founder Kevin Dailey, 38, has written a somehow more outrageous letter. This time it's a list of demands to Williamsburg dive bar Turkey's Nest, the closest bar to McCarren Park. (He was referred to as "Kev" in the previous screed.) Highlights and allegations? "What I make in one week of kickball is less than the margarita machine generates in one hour." Also, "Over those four years, kickball has made the Nest hundreds of thousands of dollars."
About that margarita machine: it's ten bucks for a huge Styrofoam cup of it! We love the Turkey's Nest. What other place has old men, hipsters, and Hasidic Jews watching sports?
If you can't stomach reading through the whole letter, we understand and offer highlights of the demands:
1) A four-year cash bonus
2) Keys to the bar
3) "I'm tired of bullshit from those aforementioned employees. Let them know I am one of them."
4) A laminated drink card granting free drinks, forevermore, for him and his "lady of the evening." Hey!
5) The Turkey's Nest should pay for all kickball-related expenses: "the permits, the equipment, the balls, everything." And a shed: "I'm tired of the softball leagues stealing my shit."
6) Finally, a weekly wage.
[Photo: Rachelleb.com]
Comments
I have no words, really, only letters. JFP.
I long to be his lady of the evening. maybe that could lead to being the baby momma of that fictitious son.
Someone needs a kick in the balls.
And thus came the reply:
Yes, son, you do bring a lot of business to our bar. However - and you can't minimize this no matter how hard you may try - you are of drinking age and take kickball seriously.
Bite me.
With Dignity and Aplomb,
The Nest management team
JESUS. did this kid go to Wesleyan? WTF? entitled AND annoying. to quote the sinister ladies at Jezebel: stabby.
I am kickball. You are not kickball, we are all kickball. You know that song, where they're like, last night a DJ saved my life, well, I am that DJ. And it is your life that I am saving, or possibly it is kickball's life, or perhaps you actually are kickball. But you make me feel like a moldy avocado and I bring your beer to people. Freddie Mac and John Boy have beaten me to within an inch of my life, and all I ever wanted was to eat the delicious pretzels- which will sell beers- that were sitting on the bar. Let's talk about the time when I arm-wrestled that three-toed sloth in the basement and you said you would pay me in belt-buckles and clothespins. Turns out that the belt buckles were also clothespins, and now I want to sue you for a kajillion dollars. Maybe we should meet in the "squared circle" or the "scorched earth" to settle this like men- with a dance contest. Or maybe we should play kickball. If I win, I get to take your family; if you win, I get to take the cash register and run like hell. In sum, you kick my balls, I'll scratch your kickballs.
people put up with this fucktard?
I'd like to play Dodgeball with this guy. And throw the ball at his head. And the ball would be made out of lead. That's what I said. (rhymes)
There is nothing worse/potentially-better than gettingduked and thanked at Ye Olde Turkey Neste.
Never accept an unlaminated drink card.
NEVARS!
I heard about a teacher at a swank Malibu school ending up with a broken spine after a freak kickball accident. Why can't that happen to Kevin?
@flipper baby: bravo!
Don't the other players pay something to play? Shouldn't that sign-up fee cover the expenses? Also, this is just a hobby right? It's not a full-time job. Sounds like someone needs to learn how to delegate.
I love that this guy thinks that his website can be like MLB.com's - MLBAM has like a million employees and their websites have streaming video, game day flash player, etc. Hilarious.
On another note, I can't believe this guy's ego is that huge for a KICKBALL league.
@flipper baby: brilliant!
@flipper baby: Sweet Baby Jeepers! I just about peed myself reading that.
I'll be right back... I am gonna go pour broken glass all over McCarren Park.
You had a good run, park, but it is clear you need to be destroyed. Let the kickballers duke it out with the latino soccer league for rights of the astroturf field.
By the way, over the last couple of months my comments have brought Gawker.com several page views.
I want:
- The root password for Gawker Media servers
- To sleep with one of the bloggers
- A star
- Oh yeah, free drinks
Sincerely,
Nic Fit
Please let there be a hipster-kickball murder, a la "Disco Bloodbath."
This asshat and Turkey's Nest deserve each other.
@smitty: The only letter missing in "kickball" is the M! They're thaaat close!
This letter is loosely based on episode 2 of that John Adams miniseries on HBO.
How did he get this letter? Was it under the bar owner's windshield wipers? In an envelope along with pictures of his children coming and going to school? Or taped to a severed horse head?
If I tell the hipsters that there were kickball playing hipsters on an ep of King of the Hill, do you think they'll be embarrassed enough to stop?
Whatever-these assholes stole my soccer league's field for a week last year (we had a permit and we outnumbered them; our organizer was too much of a pussy to throw them out).
"What I make in one week of Kickball..."
Whoa, this guy makes money off of kickball and complains about it. Another one for the salt mines...
"White children, in the main, and whether they are rich or poor, grow up with a grasp of reality so feeble that they can very accurately be described as deluded--about themselves and the world they live in.
-James Baldwin, No Name in the Street
Kevin, Mr. Baldwin is talking about you.
Somebody's retarded.
Good luck on getting a lady of the evening to be his lady for the evening-how much would he have to pay her?
@IamnotStarJones: This guy was raised at least bourgeois and probably above; I'd bet a testicle on it.
"What's this"
"It's a laminated free drinking card"
"It's like 30 years old"
"My father willed it me and it was held up in the courts for several years but after a lot of lawyering I was finally able to pry it away from my brother"
I was going to call this self-important asstard a sawdust Caesar, but I don't want to insult quality wood pulp like that. He's more of a dryer lint Caesar, anyway.
I'll give him this, he's right - I did think he was nuts for starting kickball.
Also, check this out:
[gothamist.com]
@digitalsmoothie: no, you should bet kevin's testicle on it.
Looks like someone's started playing dickball.
he could, um, leave?
@hypocriteoath: Hey now, there were no overserious kickballers at Wesleyan. Ultimate Frisbee yes, kickballing no. Over under on how long it takes for the Middlebury Quiddorks to move to Williamsburg and start harassing the local barkeeps?
I have your nine home plates over here mister.
Kevin sounds like someone who failed wrench dodging and therefore was not picked for dodgeball.
That he's been evicted I can well understand, and hats off to that landlord (or those landlords.) But he's been "starving"? Shut up about kickball (which I hated and never willingly played in school--which is when most people play and or stop playing it) and get a job.
Although, it would be hard for him, what with his terrible, grasp of the comma.
Please remind me to steer clear of Williamsburg, McCarren Park, and the fucking Turkey's Nest on Sunday evenings. For the rest of my life.
Wait--read the letter in the voice of the Middlebury T-shirt wearing-petty thief on The Simpsons.
Just call me lady of the evening
just get my drink before you leave me
Just call me lady of the evening
then slowly turn away from me
"I've been destitute, starving, and kicked out of my apartment."
If you didn't devote your entire life to fucking kickball, you'd be rich, fat and housed, you idiot.
"I'm sure you'd rather be the pitching coach of the Yankees" is the way i'm going to address every single one of my coworkers when i have a request from this point forward.
Yet another reason to dislike hipsters.
Where's the "Shut up, Brooklyn" tag? This is crying out for it--among other things.
@City_Dater: Seconded!
He seems like the kind of guy who spends the kickball game screaming at his teammates to tag up or move back or run faster or whatever you're supposed to do in this playground game. Then he blows the game at a crucial moment and spends the next three hours crying into his styrofoam cupped margarita about his missed opportunity to win at kickball... which he doesn't yet realize is a metaphor for his whole life.
hipster neocolonialism: friends conquering with each other's perceptions.
@A_Mere_Wisp_of_a_Lad: Seriously. Only they could take what could be a completely awesome idea like adult kickball with beer, and pervert it into something altogether stupid and serious.