Public Denied Its Rightful Claim To Historic Celebrity-Political Sex ScandalSomething that our modern age is not equipped to process: a man paying millions for a high-profile sex tape of a famous star, only to keep the thing secret. No special downloads available for $29.95. No DVDs, Cinemax licensing fees, or posters. But that's exactly what an anonymous and principled oddball memorabilia collector did this week when he paid $1.5 million for a 15-minute tape of tragically deceased starlet Marilyn Monroe giving a blow job to an unidentified man—who just might be tragically deceased president John F. Kennedy!

"The gentleman who bought it said out respect for Marilyn he's not going to make a joke of it and put it on the Internet and try to exploit her," said memorabilia collector Keya Morgan. "That's not his intention and I would never get my name involved if that were to happen."

Monroe is clothed and the man's head remains out of the frame for the entire 15 minutes of the film, said Morgan, who watched it.

The man convinced that the mysterious recipient of Monroe's affection was JFK? None other than sworn Kennedy enemy and vindictive crossdressing fascist, former FBI director J. Edgar Hoover!

"The FBI agent that I interviewed said J. Edgar Hoover was completely obsessed. A team of nine individuals were analyzing the tape inside a lab. J. Edgar Hoover brought in a few prostitutes who allegedly had been with President Kennedy and they tried to ... see if that was really President Kennedy."

As there are no precedents in the Gawker archives for this "put your money where your mouth is" display of upright moral fiber, we have no further comments at this time.