In my time, we had famous, celebrat'd men known as playwrights. Today, these savants are known as "baristas," or "homeless people." The most famous of all, Sir William Shakespeare, in an early draft of one of his most famous sonnets, wrote: "All the world's a stage, and it's time for some of you to get the fuck off." Appropriate, methinks. Past yonder jump hang this week's condemned.
O, the gallows' thirst is slaked today! Which means some of you got a pass, for I ran out of nooses. So, as they say, assemble your excrement in an orderly manner. I'll be watching. As always, condemnations, bribes, and pleas for mercy may be sent to GawkerExecutioner@gmail.com. Don't email Denton, Pareene, Richard, Sheila, Hamilton, Douglas, Ryan, or anyone else from the Court of Gawker. I'm not them, and they don't care.