BRAUN?

does that head really go with that body?

I believe her last name to be fake.

I prefer the male muscle. Rowwwr.

"I am heading to the gym every 26 minutes."

At least you wouldn't have to deal with boss-PMS.

For my purposes, being scrawny is like succumbing to Lou Gehrig's disease.

When she works out, the machines get tired.

Her arm looks like a challah.

I am experiencing confusing, uncomfortable feelings.

How weird would it be if that was your mom?

Please, in the name of all that is holy, let the chick in the photo start dating that pregnant dude.

Can you guys please bring back Glaring Omissions? That may have been my favorite feature.

Honey, the make-up on your face shouldn't be lighter than your man-tan.

I'd be happy to blog for you Ms. Braun, if you don't mind hiring a 60-year-old 180 lb. woman that hasn't gotten off her couch in two years.
But, I have a journalism degree, so I could probably fake it.

Lucky 13 is heading for some serious 'roid rage.

Amazing tan line at the base of neck, by the way.

@transomist: YES

@Colonel Mustard: Holla!

Is that Emily Brill?

At least the lipstick and mascara keep her from crossing the line into "unfeminine".

@transomist: @mathnet: Until then, we just have to make due with the RichardLawsonsEmail Tumblr.

@Colonel Mustard: HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH.

Cassandra Nogroin takes to the stage to the applause of her supporters and family. She is the classic redwood colour we've come to expect - deep, burnished and oiled to perfection. The light literally bounces off her thighs and blinds her nearest competitor, Delores Forearm-Strong. Cassandra's string bikini makes the usual twanging noises as she walks centre-stage, leaving a visible trail of supplements in her wake. Her buttocks tense and her toes grip like talons, splintering the floor itself. She turns and strikes her favourite pose - the "too much time on my man-hands" - and the crowd goes wild as they watch her veins pop out in a sweetly-repulsive tribute to the road-map that led her here today. Her left thigh swells to the size of a fat baby's appetite, while the muscles that appear to support her tiny head give the appearance of something that could grate cheese, if not concrete itself. With a whirl reminiscent of a sentient barbecued-sausage dancing on a grill, she leaves the stage to tumultuous applause, and walks sideways into the dressing room.

I love how she started the email with "Dear Gawker Person."

If you can get five pageviews for blogging for that site, you will have succeeded in turning it into the Gawker of its genre.

@VirusWithShoes: The last seven words were all you needed!

@mathnet: so true...thank god it's shabbat and there's still time to eat a challah before pesach. not that this woman would eat challah. but i would gladly eat her portion. in conclusion, this picture makes me want challah.

@VirusWithShoes: Oh how I've missed you, you silly/crazy/funny monster.

last i checked, it's still proper web etiqutte to link to the source.

[richardlawsonsemail.tumblr.com]

or was this something that was sent to everyone?

@EleanorRigby: Makes me wanna challah.

*Note: You will be paid in creatine tablets and bottles of J&J baby oil.

what's the compensation anyway? other than the unlimited supply of powerthirst, i mean.

@scroll_lock: @Nard38: What can I say? I need the work.

@the cajun boy: Everyone.

Can this guy be the next Gawker celeb?

[www.femalemuscle.com]

@Bell County: Not being able to bench press 350 is like contracting the Ebola virus for my purposes.

@saltwatertaffy: Original, or Rocket Edition?

Geez, I wonder how much she can dead lift doing kegels?

Tinsley Mortimer, Happy At Last

@Knucklehead Babylon: Actually, that is my mom. I wouldn't mess with her. She eats lightning and shits fear.

@Pope John Peeps II: The latter. In "FizzBitch".

@VirusWithShoes: Beautiful, I believe I hear angels weeping.

Is this Paltrow before all of the photoshopping?

@Nick Douglas: my apologies.

If you guys are that tough, you should be applying for this job:

Company: European Stars and Stripes
Position: Reporter -- cover troops in Iraq, Afghanistan
and beyond
Location: Iraq, Afghanistan, etc., All Locations
Job Status: Temporary
Salary: Not Specified

[www.journalismjobs.com]

I have an overwhelming craving for a blonde pretzel.

@KarenUhOh: I just want to chug a quart of Coppertone.

Having an eighteen wheel tractor trailer fall on a child happens more often than you think. She'll be there to toss that 18-wheeler off the child, will you?

In fact, I didn't have to think too long before a practical application for all that muscle came along.

Oh, and intimidating misogynists. She'd probably weird the entire Saudi royal family out something fierce, dressed like that.

My eyes! My eyes!

@IBentMyWookie: and bathe in Crisco

Good God! She looks like she could EAT me, and have room for dessert! How terribly unattractive. I mean...that's scary.

I've got the world's worst migraine just looking at all that tension.

@VirusWithShoes: Hurray! You and your brilliance have returned to us!

We thought you'd been kidnapped by the Scottish mafia and were being held hostage in a basement in Peterhead with a ball gag in your mouth and tied to a potted palm. We were gonna have a bake sale or car wash to raise the ransom, but your cats must've beat us to it.

@AuntPeniston: Being held in a basement in Peterhead with a ball-gag in my mouth and tied to a potted palm is my idea of a successful first date. The McMafia leave me alone for that sole reason.

It's nice to read your brain again, smartypants. I went on a big dip for a while there, but it's nice to be back.

Luckily that's just a stunt art project.

I didn't know furniture polish could make you so buff.

OH NO!

Dear ValleyWag Staffer:

I am looking for a blogger to write daily posts for femalemuscle.com.

I founded Femalemuscle in 1995, a site that