Hey—What's Sean Penn Doing On The Coachella Bill?

As you attend to last-minute arrangements and packing for this weekend's Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival (Off! brand Andy Dick Repellent? Check...Sarah Jessica Parker inflatable love doll? Check...), we guide you to these handy timetables of set times, paying particular attention to an artist scheduled to appear shortly after 2 p.m. Sunday.

While we have yet to receive any confirmation on this, we have every reason to believe it will be the actual Sean Penn who appears on the emerging-talent Gobi Tent stage, and not just some Brooklyn-based, post-klezmer-dance-punk outfit with an ironic name. Hollywood Elsewhere even goes so far as to wonder if they might be shooting an outdoor rally scene for Gus Van Sant's Milk. It's certainly possible, what with the seamless confluence of that film's end-of-a-disco-era costume requirements and the obnoxiously self-aware hipsterwear already on display at the Empire Polo Fields. But if that is the case, the filmmakers will have to pray that the hot, drunk crowd cooperates, and doesn't spoil the solemnity of a great moment in gay rights by holding aloft their iPhones and screaming, "Spicoooooooooollllliiiiiiiii. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"