Gawker
This noble task, the killing of the sinful, is not as easy as one may suspect. It is with a heavy heart that I ply the tools of my trade: the axe, the noose, the adorable little "kill kill kill" button that you all have next to your names. Trust that I do not take such responsibility lightly. For instance, I thought about executing everyone who doesn't like Tina Fey. Yet then I realized that tolerance—even of the incredibly stupid—is a virtue. But I am virtuous only to a point. Therefore, the really incredibly stupid lie headless after the jump.
Executed: Kaemon
Crime: If you're going to be a moron, try to limit the typos. And don't be a moron.
Executed: SSteele
Crime: I'm sorry if you thought you were the authority on the relative attractiveness of celebrities. You aren't. Moron.
Executed: TooManyTomatoes
Crime: Knock knock. Who's There? Dead Moron. Dead Moron who? TooManyTomatoes!
Executed: Mike_Jahn
Crime: I thought of something to guarantee your future anonymity! No more commenting!
A short list today. Mayhaps the rule of law has returned? We shall see. As always, condemnations, bribes, and pleas for mercy may be sent to GawkerExecutioner@gmail.com. Don't email Denton, Pareene, Richard, Sheila, Hamilton, Nick Douglas, Ryan, that Carnevale guy, Spiegelman, NickGuidoDenton, Morrissey, LolCait or anyone else from the Court of Gawker. I'm not them, and they don't care.
Comments
But Morrisey DOES care! Deeply!
Oh, Mike, that's too bad. (Not being snarky here.) And I enjoyed Tomatoes' screen name.
(Also, Jack: With all due respect, SSteele's offending comment isn't linked correctly.)
@moff: It was too odious a task to link 90% of his comment history.
and yes, Tina Fey deserves better from us all... except me... If I loved her any more I would be stalking her online.
@moff: Yeah, I beg a bit of mercy for Mike. Not all that bad. Besides, have some pity for those of us in the upper end of the age range. God knows we're going to keel over soon enough anyway.
@moff: Is commenting on a wrong link an executable offence?
Not that I'm saying it was wrong myself - just differently-correct, IMHO.
(ducks)
Severe hunger is not an excuse? He 'pologized.
I think Moff should have been executed for fake-defending the movie Daredevil. Even though it was obviously fake (I hope!), that should stil incur some punishment.
How do you kill a man with no fear. You put the fear in him! FUUUUCCCKKK YYOOOOUUUUU.
Awww...Mike_Jahn. I predict a haunting.
@Pope John Peeps II: (also, I don't really want him executed. Me loves the moff).
But- but... Mike was the champion of NOLA underpaid firefighters while talking about something else EVERYWHERE!!
Wow, and Mike actually apologized for the (supposedly) offending comment in his next comment.
The executioner has no mercy.
@Pope John Peeps II: I think you'll find you kill a man with no fear by tickling him with a kitten on a pole wearing a little hat.
@VirusWithShoes: Or you could just push him out a window. See, that's why that movie made no sense.
@SarahHeartburn: Well, at least Jack didn't call him a moron.
@VirusWithShoes: I'M PUTTING MYSELF ON THE LINE IN THE NAME OF PUBLIC SERVICE.
@Jack Ketch: That makes perfect sense, sir.
@Pope John Peeps II: It's certainly not a point I'd lay even my fake life on the line to defend, if it came to that.
@Nic Fit: Perhaps the executioner needs a sandwich, too. Or a clafoutis.
@Pope John Peeps II: (Much relieved. The love is mutual.)
Being a commenter on Gawker is like being a commenter on Lost--when you've been killed, it's kinda cooler.
@VirusWithShoes: Tape a "Cathy" or "Family Circus" cartoon to his computer screen. The horror, the horror...
@CodePink: OR A CHARACTER ON LOST. ALMOST CLEVER, BUT NOT QUITE.
By not executing the guy who called Smails a "tool" this morning, are you endorsing his position?
@SarahHeartburn: Perhaps the executioner needs a McCheeburger.
Alas! Now Robert Christgau has to step up and get a gawker commenter account to fill the elder rock critic-sized gap in this community.
@Nic Fit: I endorse that position!
Perhaps you all should nominate those you find offensive.
@Nic Fit: Never apologize! Never explain! Never concede!
Oh!! Mike_Jahn??? But..but...but, he was a good guy! And he said he was sorry!
*sniff* Mike? I look forward to your reincarnation. That's the only reason to believe in karma. Look at how well IndianSlipper did!
@Clarence Rosario: Heh. Do you know where Jack can get one?
@Jack Ketch: Can we nominate those with a higher connectedness index too?
@SW-2:
Already other elder rock critics in the community.
Plus Mike will probably be back before you know it.
@Colonel Mustard: Defenestration!
@Jack Ketch: Neigborhood watch or Red Scare? Send TIPS to GawkerExecutioner@gmail.com
What do you call it when a commenter dies?
Jacking off.
GET IT?
@CodePink: You're still very pretty!
@Jack Ketch: I nominate Conbon on behalf of Smails!
Best! Accompanying photo! Ever!
Carnevale could learn a lesson or two.
(Just kidding, AC!)
@CodePink: That term is also what some use as a euphemism for masturbation.
@Sarcastro: Actually I prefer "rub one out" or "choke the chicken".
@CodePink: I thought it was "Jack rubs one out."
Ah, gallows humor.
@Nic Fit: Ay ay ay.
:( I miss Mike J. already.
I half-expected to be executed for admitting I really really don't like the Replacements.
For whom the Cheeburger Tolls?
@moff: @Jack Ketch: I nominate moff, on behalf of everyone.
Tina Fey saves us again. Thank you, Tina Fey, for being so great, awesome and cute. Now we pour libations.
Tyburn Cross runs yet again with the blood of the slain and I revel in escaping the axe. Beef, ale, and thanks to our Heavenly Lord await. Then, bear baiting!
@Bell County: If Jack needs help executing, will you help Jack off (the offender)?
@Nard38: I love how this thread is devolving into the kind of discussions we have about "The Shocker".
Maybe we are all feeling a little free having survived another week?
@Nic Fit: In celebration, I'm going back to check out that Paris Review intern photo.
Woot!
Also shouts out to the Papal pun commenter thread. Good times, people. good times.
@moff: Thank God for that.
@Sarcastro: Yeah, so, I'm still right.
@Bell County: Better than mine.
@Nard38: No, when an execution is nigh, I beat it.
Hey Mike, stay cool. Once just to get our attention they executed all the most popular kids including, if I recall correctly, KarenUhOh. You're in some fine company.
If memory serves, KUO came back right there in the execution post. That's a hint.
@CodePink: I was making joke. Not correcting the Pink.
Mike_Jahn getting executed is my new euphemism for the Shocker.
Inconsistent character voice, Ketchy.
@Sarcastro: No, I know! So was I. Ugh. Sarcasm in response to a joke never ever ever works out. You're funny, we're all good.
Allow me to join the ranks of those who don't understand the Mike Jahn execution.
Also, it would help if you could link at least one of the ssteele comments you were offended by. I tried to read a few, but couldn't figure it out from what I saw.
Also, allow me to compliment you on your silky black robe and gleaming scythe, Mr. Ketch. They are most becoming, Mr. Ketch. Please don't take offense at the comments above, Mr. Ketch.
I just executed a burrito bowl. Good goddamned heavens it was tasty.
I am picturing Mike_Jahn returning to the screen with a mouthful of club on wheat and befuddled look of shock. Allow me to pour out some liquor and say booo, hissssss.
When I die, I'm going to haunt the fuck out of you people.
@fiveinchtaint: Chipotle burrito bowl?
Whew, made it through another Execution.
Okay, all, who's up for some Survivor Sex this weekend?
Mike_Jahn "knows people," that's all I know.
Wow - Mike Jahn gets the axe and Priam still lives?