Hey, remember where Tom Cruise held his birthday party? Jog your memory with Gawker's EXCLUSIVE VIDEO of the embarrassing 2004 celebration. That's right: on the MV Freewinds, the massive "cruise ship" training center for the highest level members of the Church of Scientology. Bad news for aspiring OT VIIIs: the ship's been sealed and docked in Curacao due to the discovery of "significant amounts of blue asbestos" all over her. Blue asbestos is the insulating material that's been banned in the US for years because of all the lung cancer it causes. And, obviously, the 40-year-old cruise ship has been contaminated with it since day one—putting the lives of nearly all OT VIII Scientologists at risk! According to a CNN I-Report: "An affidavit filed in 2001 by Lawrence Woodcraft, a former Scientologist and trained architect, claims that Woodcraft encountered the fibrous minerals while working on the ship in 1987, and promptly informed Scientology leaders." And they didn't do anything about it for 20 years. So where does a Scientologist go when he dies of mesothelioma?
You could check the recently leaked "bibles" of the Church—we don't have time to go through all 600 pages of drug-addled scifi nonsense. But we do know that "people" are not "people," but rather immortal alien spirits called thetans who will indeed live on well after the dead of their shell bodies, so a Scientologist doesn't need to worry about nonsense like cancer. Which could be why they never bothered to remove it from their fancy ship! The Level 8 Operating Thetans on board will live forever anyway.
Of course, without the training courses for OTs available only on the Freewinds, it'll be much harder for celebrities like Cruise and Jenna Elfman to achieve Cleared Theta Clear level, the point at which they become gods capable of creating their own universes.