Gawker
Joshua David Stein is back briefly to talk about Bravo's Top Chef whose eighth episode aired last night. As has been much chewed over, Lifetime, a channel for femiladies recently bought Bravo's Project Runway, a show for gays and also anyone else who is fierce and worthwhile. Fears have been raised, as mentioned in an article by former Gawker Mama Rose Doree Shafrir, that the show's edginess will be transmuted into some life-affirming pastiche of pastel Hallmark aphorisms and dime-store candy. This is probably true. But, last we heard, Top Chef was still property of Bravo television which is why last night's episode didn't make any sense: it was cheap; it was cliché; it was precious; it was pap. Also, is Gail Simmons pregnant?
The episode—in which contestants were asked to create a meal for four people for ten dollars and were helped during the preparation by disadvantaged children—reeked of a Lifetime special. As was communicated throughout the show via the valorization of Antonia, a single mother contestant, the target demographic of this challenge was...single mothers, a demographic more likely to be sitting in front of a television tuned to Lifetime than to Bravo. And not just single mothers but low-income single mothers which even moreso places the focus on a Lifetime-esque demographic. That said, the kids were cute as buttons. (Not these buttons. These buttons.) How can you make fun of kids!? What kind of bumptious stinker would dare attempt to? In this way, however, the show has already showed itself more interested in inoculating itself against criticism rather than making good television.
Of course, the winner was Antonia, the single mother! Why? Because, in the words of Gail Simmons who may or may not be pregnant but has certainty gained some weight which I totally understand because during the course of the show I ate an entire large pepperoni pizza from Posto and a slice of strawberry pie I got upstate in this weird hippie bakery that was actually the kitchen of a couple named Bob and Valerie who had moved to Woodstock twenty years prior and set up a pie shop, "it was so natural for her." Well, fuck, of course it is natural to her. She's a single mother (though she does live in Beverly Hills.) But authenticity is no reason anyone should win anything. I would have liked to see Crazy Andrew win because he used to be fat and now is skinny but of course that might be read as fattist, not to mention sexist, by the sexy fatty Lifetime viewership. So there's Antonia—-who, make no mistake, I genuinely like—smiling and telling funny/dirty jokes to her kid. (Knock knock/Who's there/Smellmap/Smellmap who? Get it?/No/Smell my poo!/Oh. Ha!)
Two other moments of the show are also noteworthy. Firstly, that quick challenge really totaled my faith in Padma. Contestants using UNCLE BEN'S RICE had fifteen minutes to create an entree. The screen was immediately flooded with a panoply of UNCLE BEN'S PRODUCTS!!! Padma was excited. How that woman could be so excited by such a lame challenge or at least act that excited by such a lame challenge questions if, and when, she tells me that she loves me, how can I believe her? It just seems so shammy. What a put on! What a laugh! You love me you say?! A love that is so easily bestowed that it falls on a product placement so heinous is no love that I want, Padma.
The other moment of emotional amusement was when crybaby loser (and handsome Australian Kiwi) Mark accused Tom of not liking him. After sending him home Tom said, "I don't dislike you." It's not as if Tom is using litotes to communicate his intense affection for Mark. "I don't dislike you" is like when a girl tells you (or you a girl, or you a guy or a guy you) "I don't not love you" which, even more than "I really like you," means "I don't love you" which is all to say, this new life-affirming Top Chef? I don't dislike it at all!
Comments
Either you're tweaked or trying way too damn hard.
Wait, that sounded mean. I'm glad you're back, really!
I can't wait for Richard and Dale's spinoff, My Two Dads Who Introduced Me To Long Beans And Beets
Watch this show or I'll eat this pup.
mark's from nz not oz...why does no one get that straight? i guess i'm just bitter because i loved him. watching him reminds me of an ep of flight of the conchords, so how could i not?
Omg he said he was from NEW ZEALAND like 18,000 times last night!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also Knock, Knock!
@mathnet: Who's there?
@LittleShirleyBeans: @BK_KT: Those pesky Antipodeans. They all look alike!
After Padma exclaimed excitedly that the rice cooks "in 90 seconds" there was a great SURPRIZE! reaction shot that was probably edited in from some other day when two of the contestants were beating each other with spoons.
This was a dumb challenge. This was not a test for a top chef. I like the look of next week - more than enough time, grueling, large quantities. I mean, I get there has to be some kind of theme. Simply saying "make me a great dish" every week with no constraints would be rather boring. But test their actual skill, not their ability to shop within an absurd budget. Damnit. I don't care. We all have more than $10 for groceries. Appeal to me!
it's always all about love isn't it
@ILovePuppies: O.M.G. Wu
"It's giving me a culinary boner."
First, they always have this challenge- though it's packaged differently each time. It's the home-cooking challenge. I think it's funny because so many good chefs fail at it.
Second, these are when I check their posted recipes. Though seriously, for chefs, learn to measure. Some of those recipes looked like the chef tried to remember how to make it after watching the episode 6 months later and the others look like the chef is planning a cookbook and doesn't actually want to give the recipe away.
Affectionatly,
Irma Rombauer
what in the holy hell is that animal. why did i grow ovaries after seeing it? god, i need chocolate.
Man I wish it would have been Lisa last night. I love that Oprah's private chef (oh go to hell, Oprah) called out her inability to take criticism. I can't think of anyone more deserving of a wicked slap to the face followed by a chorus of laughter while she cries from the pain and insult.
"I would NEVER cook something for less than $10. Especially for a bunch of kids who don't appreciate my talent."
@mathnet: Doesn't the health department have rules against that sort of think unless your boner wears a hairnet?
Finally watched this show last night. When I realized First Prize included $100,000 worth of Glad Wrap, I ran to the kitchen and started practicing cooking waffles without burning the house down.
@fiveinchtaint: "My girlfriend has a kid and he cooks with me sometimes and he's like, 'I wanna do that, too! Can I stir it? Can I use that knife?' And it's like, 'No.' So it's fun."
Yeah how come that guest judge never said anything about all the quickfire challenges tasted like shit because they were made with fucking instant rice?
sorry Uncle Ben's makes me angry I guess. who knew....next up the Aunt Jemima pancake challenge and Little Black Sambo "yes massah" bakeoff.
Did not care enough to read long post, as mesmerized by evil ferret attempting to eat offspring. Think suffering from Rodentia-based PTSD.
@KarenUhOh: Aren't you supposed to wear the wrap to make twatwaffles?
@Joshua Stein: I do enjoy the way he says "Pehdma".
Also, what in the hell is that animal? I am disturbed by/in love with it.
@mathnet: Ha. Was this our first actual confirmation of her sexuality? It was no shocker.
"I would NEVER cook specifically for a man."
How are they going to do product placement when it moves to Lifetime?
"Cheftestants, please create a meal pairing with these $4 White Zinfandels"?
Or a meal inspired by different brands of tampons?
Gail's always been a little thick, I think. Hey, the woman works for Food & Wine, how can you blame her? But as anyone who's ever had this awkward conversation with an old friend they haven't seen in a long time, charges of pregnancy or perceived pregnancy shouldn't be leveled lightly.
Um, add a "can tell you" before the comma, plz. K thx. Stupid mornings.
Damn it - early Top Chef recap! I won't complain, as I'll take my JDS content where I can get it.
I am so damn glad Mark is gone and just wish they would have made him take Lisa with him on the way out. Last night felt like one, long, crappy commercial.
"Take my baby, please!"
@BK_KT: It's an otter. I think. I'm in love with it.
Personally, during the show I ate a gigantic chocolate fudge cookie and a chocolate cigar which I bought from a kosher bakery on the lower east side from a young girl and older Asian woman who had totally different but equally unintelligible accents (What's that?/A reguuula/A regular what?//NO, A REGuuullaaaa/oh.) and drank two giant glasses of lactaid, because I am not down with lactose.
I love cute animals. Now take my otter. Please.
@fiveinchtaint: I distinctly remember times in my life when I did not have $10 for groceries. Hell, I even created the "juice diet" during a particularly lean time, wherein I had only enough money to buy 2 bottles of juice to "eat" for a week. While it may be true that most of us sitting in front of our computers and dicking off most of the day have more than $10 for groceries, that is not true for many people who actually toil for a living, and who do not have the luxury of wasting time between completing projects.
Anywho, I can not wait for Lisa to get canned. She is the smuggest, ugliest lesbian ever to be featured on a reality TV show.
@hamburgerhotdog: Oh well THEN if it's an otter, I am for sure in love with it.
+ Watch video
Otters holding hands! Never gets old!
I still squeal like a tween when the one reaches out for the other.
@ae38: Ha! Poors don't watch this show.
@ae38: ooohh, you went there. coughexecutioncough
@fiveinchtaint: Pssssh, poors don't have television, nevermind cable with Tivo.
Ha, poors!
@ae38: If you've only got $10 per meal for a family of 4, i sure as hell hope you're not paying $50 a month for cable to watch Top Chef.
also, I'm really sad Mark the Hobbit went home. He was adorable.
$10 at WHOLE FOODS, no less. They musta got a special product placement discount.
And: Lisa, get off the show. Barring that, wash your hair!
@Pesquyist: The Whole Foods sponsor placement was funny, it's true. Ten bucks buys you a fancy slice of cheese over there.
Does Whole Foods even sell Uncle Ben's?
There were a couple of senators who went on the food stamp budget for a while and blogged about how much it sucked. Too bad no one paid attention.
Foolproof Minute Rice. You can't undercook it or overcook it. It's perfect every time.
I'm sorry ... what were we talking about here again?
There is no way they could have purchased all the ingredients at Whole Paycheck with only $10. Someone needs to launch a full investigation.
Why is it that I'm getting hotter for Tommy C. every week?
@Pesquyist: I've shopped at Whole Foods. They must have jiggered the prices somehow.
At a real Whole Foods, $10 would buy you maybe six cashews, and that's about it.
@LittleShirleyBeans: 'Tis okay. On Monday I start a job where the time and ability to comment on the internet's will be no more. I kind of feel like going out with a bang with pointed attacks and a fierce dose of crazy, but I am too busy trying to pack/think about packing/waste time watching tv while thinking about packing/comment on the internet while watching tv and thinking about packing.
@ae38: good luck w/ the new gig, buddy. sincerely.
@LittleShirleyBeans: Aww! Thanks! I appreciate it!
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