The Commies, commenters, never let me go

"Eating a Six-Foot Cake in Slow Motion"

While most of you lot are still gawking at the corpses of your friends, it is important to keep on with the business of living. As President Morgan Freeman says in Deep Impact: "I'm the president." But, also some things about marching on in the face of terrible tragedy. So I urge you to gather here (or, rather, after the jump) and revel in the successes of your peers; six noble souls who looked at an empty comment box and dared to ask "Why not?"

From millwhistle in Good News: Even More Subway Ads:
"No one is going to want their brand associated with the G train. Except maybe a molasses company" [Hamilton's pick. He says: "In honor of sheila and all greenpoint peoples."]

From Chaim_Gnadelstein in Stalk Scarlett Johansson Via Music Video:
"What does she have to be so miserable about? Being really, really attractive and clearing five million a year as a very mediocre actor?

If I was in her position, this video would basically be four minutes of me in a posh dining room, devouring a six-foot cake in slow motion. Barefoot, in my fucking bathrobe. " [Ryan's pick]

From tracyflick in Enjoying the Fried Calamari Not Actually a Sexual Euphemism, Sadly:
"The Nerve personal are full of the most pompous, pseudo-intellectual douchebags. At least on Lavalife you know what you're getting - a bunch of ex-cons who wear Joey Buttafucco pants and live in Queens." [Sheila's pick]

From Helman in Ugh:
"Am so relieved I'm not the only person to have watched that miserable show." [Solidarity!]

From Bell County in Floridians Confused by Fairy's Message:
"These people are just upset because their religions aren't robust enough to contain the statement. For example, this sign is not problematic if you worship fairies." [And for lots of other brilliant work this week, foreal.]

Your Party Pick this week goes, bittersweetly, to VirusWithShoes who wrote lovely words in LIterary Love Connection:
"SIR GEOFFREY

Why, Adams, you old dog, you - come closer, dear boy. I simply must declare my undying adoration of that filly Seltzer's marvellous mountains!

ADAMS

I hear the talents she so obviously brings are done a disservice by her penchant for lily-gilding, Sir.

SIR GEOFFREY

Indeed, my boy. But it is said amongst no finer crowd than this, that baby may have back - if not front, Adams. Thoughts?

ADAMS

I have heard the same whispers in the self-same corridors, Sir. She undoubtedly has a fine rack, although - if I may speak somewhat out of turn - it appears that she will not be going back after reportedly getting some black.

SIR GEOFFREY

Ah, what a damned shame. My darling Cressida went through the exact same thing in the Congo. Last time I saw her, she was waving goodbye from the back of an elephant, naked as the day I met her. Ah well - I guess it's off to war, then?

ADAMS

Indeed!

SIR GEOFFREY

I meant for you, not me. Of course.

ADAMS

Of course, Sir. Wouldn't dream of it any other way. (EXITS) "

Bravo to all!

5:15 PM on Fri May 2 2008
By Richard
2,418 views
34 comments

Comments

donmiguel at 05:22 PM on 05/02/08
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Someday, I too will have a star...
BinkysDream at 05:25 PM on 05/02/08
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W00t for Virus! (and for everyone really). I should get killed everyweek, I feel great.
SnarkTwain at 05:31 PM on 05/02/08
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Virus- taking his star and going home. Congrats.
MisterHippity at 05:33 PM on 05/02/08
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@BinkysDream: AHH!! You scared me!

You and your walking-around-talking-while-dead thing. You're like Jack's dad on Lost!
AuntPeniston at 05:35 PM on 05/02/08
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You put us all to shame, Virus.

*tear*
belltolls at 05:36 PM on 05/02/08
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Congratulations to all. Nice picks. And Bell County thanks from all the bells everywhere.
Jack Ketch at 05:37 PM on 05/02/08
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@BinkysDream: If you say so.
rosaluxembourgeoise at 05:41 PM on 05/02/08
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Bravo, all.

As for you, Mister VirusWithShoes, breathtakingly brilliant, is all.
Chaim Gnadelstein at 05:42 PM on 05/02/08
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@AuntPeniston:

Please. Virus is about as retired as Destiny's Child.
MyCubeHas3Sides at 05:44 PM on 05/02/08
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Congrats everyone, and just wanted to say this, in case you didn't see it over in the Boneyard: [gawker.com]
Bell County at 05:45 PM on 05/02/08
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@belltolls: Thanks! What a Friday, my nerves are totally shot from all the drama. I feel like Sandy Dennis in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? if someone gave her an ice cream cone at the end.
AuntPeniston at 05:46 PM on 05/02/08
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@Chaim Gnadelstein: Tell that to my enduring crush on him.
Clarence Rosario at 05:50 PM on 05/02/08
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What the fuck? No dailypuppy.com commenters won this week? No biscuits and cuddles for you, Richard!
BeRightBack at 05:51 PM on 05/02/08
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@BinkysDream: I think all that might have been just a yearning for symmetry between you and the similarly undead AndSheSaid (née SheSaysWhat). Glad to see ya back from the Siberian freeze, товарич.

I'll be "pouring one out" for VwS and his "little Unfun" tonight until they come back, if you need me (I refuse to believe either are gone for good!)
BinkysDream at 05:52 PM on 05/02/08
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@Jack Ketch: ah, shit.
VirusWithShoes at 06:30 PM on 05/02/08
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Bittersweet, indeed.

Thanks to all who voted, and to the other lucky winners too.
BalknChain at 06:32 PM on 05/02/08
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@VirusWithShoes: that one is wonderful
In Other News... at 07:14 PM on 05/02/08
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Yaaaaaaaaaay!
moff at 12:42 AM on 05/03/08
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Hooray! Great job, team!
dandles at 12:55 AM on 05/03/08
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Will I never say anything that will garner accolades from Gawker? Well, rejection only fuels my bitterness, which in turn gives life to even snarkier comments. If I can only avoid crossing the line that leads to execution, I know I shall triumph. Someday ... someday.
VirusWithShoes at 02:19 AM on 05/03/08
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@dandles: Hope is like underwear - never give it up without a fight.
jackvinyl at 02:23 AM on 05/03/08
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@dandles: I just read your comment in Doogie Howser's voice (in my brains) and i pictured you typing it at an old commodore 64 Doogie style.

You try it - do it Doogie style in your brains.
jackvinyl at 02:24 AM on 05/03/08
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@VirusWithShoes: what if the hope is wearing a kilt ? -- answer that one Scotty-skirtpants.
VirusWithShoes at 02:32 AM on 05/03/08
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@jackvinyl: Then it's hopeless. But wildly refreshing.
jackvinyl at 02:42 AM on 05/03/08
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@VirusWithShoes: That was breezy...
VirusWithShoes at 02:51 AM on 05/03/08
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@jackvinyl: ...and therefore not as ballsy as usual.
Hamud Ibn Hamud at 03:19 AM on 05/03/08
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@dandles:

"The Lord by repentance shall break them that are lifted on high by the splendour of earthly nobility, when to confound them He shall have chosen the base things of this world..."

Dandles, as St. Augustine has taught us, earthly favour is itself no demonstration of God's mercy, but rather the disfavour of men and the loss of material reward are used by God to bring the once fortunate to seek His forgiveness.

Accolades are chastisement.

Instead of setting your heart on the things of this world, you should instead devote your brief time on earth to serving God through any one of Gawker's volunteer organizations, such as the Gawker Altar Guild, or the Commenters' Second Hand Shop or Annual Jumble Sale.

Perhaps in time such activity will encourage you to greater commitment and devotion, in which case you might consider entering one of Gawker's religious orders, such as the Community of the Companions of Denton the Good Shepherd.

Neither seek nor hope for execution by Ketch, for death at his hand leads surely nowhere. It is by dying only unto yourself that you will live again and live forever, exalted and triumphant, in the eternal presence of God.
VirusWithShoes at 10:13 AM on 05/03/08
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@Hamud Ibn Hamud: I beg of you your eternal forgiveness - what with one thing or another, I completely forgot to thank you for being the inspiration behind my becommied-comment, as highlighted above.

As penance, and along with cleaning the sinful windows of the Winnebago currently on hire to my local Community of Companions, I shall say three Julia Allisons and one Hail Mary Rambin and silently beseech the Good Shepherd Denton for mercy. I can only pray my thoughts don't fall on rocky ears.

May Gawk Be With You.
BalknChain at 10:50 AM on 05/03/08
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@VirusWithShoes: Allow me to say "You, my friend, bow to no one."
BalknChain at 10:51 AM on 05/03/08
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@VirusWithShoes: well, wait, you BETTER bow to KarenUhOh :)
Hamud Ibn Hamud at 04:23 PM on 05/03/08
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@VirusWithShoes:

May the Lord be with you, Virus.

The Community of the Companions of Denton the Good Shepherd, CDGS, welcome all who through a commitment to the life monastic would deepen their understanding of humanity's relationship to God through Denton.

The order's Motherhouse is in Curtea de Argeş, Romania:

[www.facebook.com]

And the Romanian Generalate holds jurisdiction over eight monasteries in Europe and North America, and over several dozen sketes throughout the world, the majority of which are found near the ominous nitrate lakes in Al Buhayrah Governorate, Egypt.

At all locations, a religious professed to the CDGS embraces a rigorous daily life of communal prayer, private prayer, spiritual reading, Marxist-Leninist study, commenting on Gawker, meals, communal sunbathing, (very little) sleep, and several minutes during which strict silence is observed. (Non-scholastic types are assigned physical labor of varying severity.)

Please know that the CDGS is an order cloistered. All CDGS religious take a vow of absolute, permanent separation not only from the external world, but from what most would justifiably regard as reality.

Ecclesiastical penalties for disobeying the rules of enclosure are quite harsh and include, but are not limited to, the withholding of cocktail hour, tanning booth, and Thai "full release" massage privileges. Punishment for gross or repeated disobedience is defined and enforced at Denton's pleasure.

If life within the CDGS speaks to you and awakens your deepest sense of spiritual possibility, the CDGS warmly invites you to test your vocation at either the Motherhouse or the CDGS monastery or skete nearest you. For locations and further information, please email Nick Denton directly.
VirusWithShoes at 09:22 PM on 05/03/08
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@BalknChain: Everyone I know bows to Karen. How can one not?

@Hamud Ibn Hamud: Do they have Xbox?
BalknChain at 09:24 PM on 05/03/08
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@VirusWithShoes: hey you ;)
BalknChain at 09:26 PM on 05/03/08
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@VirusWithShoes: As far as Karen goes, I think those that don't bow could be subject to a Tonya Harding sneak attack.