Gawker
American food, despite having devolved to the point that it is totally formulated by scientists, manufactured by machines, ergonomically packaged, and full of ingredients that do not occur in the natural world, is still a bit too challenging—and downright complicated—for many of our citizens. So Kraft, which makes many of your favorite brands of junk food, is dumbing down its packaging and product offerings so even the most simple among us can enjoy pudding, Cool Whip, and cheese slices. All together, even!
Kraft's feedback from consumers indicated their food "wasn't easy enough." So they're rolling out a big marketing campaign to unveil fantastic new obesity generators in their product line:
Take, for example, Cool Whip, which comes in a large tub that must be kept in the freezer. Consumers didn't want to have to take that trying trip to the freezer every time they wanted a dollop, so they'd either skip the topping or went with a canned brand. Kraft's solution: a Cool Whip aerosol, so consumers can reach into the fridge and easily squeeze out a topper for their cookie, brownie or piece of fruit.
There's also frozen cheese-filled bagels, a newer, easier way to pull cheese slices out of the package, and "Goldfish Mac N' Cheese crackers, shaped like macaroni noodles but in cracker form." And what about those new single-serving packets of Jell-O powder—just add to milk and stir in. It's educational!
Janet Myers, senior director-Kraft Kitchens, said the product is aimed at moms who want to make after-school snacks for their kids without having to wait for the Jell-O to congeal in the fridge. There is, however, some work involved in the preparation — but, luckily, the kids can do it. "They like the interactivity of the stirring," she said, noting that the individual packs aid in portion control.
[via Ad Age—and a special shout out to reporter Emily Bryson York for achieving a reasonable level of disdain in her tone in this story. Well done.]
Comments
isn't the freezer right next to the fridge?
This is all part of the government plan to have almost everyone die before they can collect social security and medicaid.This is why cigarettes are legal and nobody cares what you eat or how fat you get,so long as you work hard for as little money as possible then die as soon as possible the corporations and the government(the same thing) win!
Cool Whip and Cheese Whiz makes a truly elegant cheesecake.
"They like the interactivity of the stirring". Well who doesn't? If I'm gonna get interactive, I wanna stir! baby stir!
I hate when the ring pops off and my pudding is trapped.
Ingredients:
Rat poison, sugar.
ahem (service-y, right?!)(also this is, like, sickening. do moms hate their kids so much that they can't even be bothered to make jello anymore? it's just not that hard.)
@EleanorRigby: Sometimes not - I keep mine separate in the off-chance they help each other develop sentience and one day, when I'm feeling unassumingly peckish, they rise up against me.
My microwave is an agitator.
that picture looks downright vile.
I guess this kind of explains the market for the KFC "Famous Bowl".
@the supergoddess: Jello,does everyone know that it's made from boiled down cow hoofs?Yummy and low calorie!
To hell with them. Until my remote control works with my fridge, I'm going to keep sitting on the couch and sucking lard out of my giant hamster feed tube.
This is why I just eat the sugar out of the bag.
Also- squeezing out a topper is just a beautiful phrase.
Old Jell-o Instant took five minutes to chill. I hope I can find an edifying way to spend all the time I save with the new Jell-o.
@twobighands: You really have to have a taste for partially hydrogenated vegetable oil to appreciate it.
Jello made from milk? Ewwww. Isn't it supposed to be hot water?
@dado: That made me shake with laughter. Thank you.
@VirusWithShoes: Thanks for correcting my assumption. Here I am with a lame freezer/fridge in one combination. How boring and 20th century of me.
Consumers also can't be bothered to slice their own cheese, so there are pre-sliced cracker-sized cheese slices available from Kraft! Hooray!
I'm hungry for Cool Whip Jell-O E-Z Cheese Surprise.
I refuse to buy Cool-Whip that can make flatulating sounds when running empty. You're supposed to be able to grab a tub of Cool-whip, dip your hands in and rub it all over your partner of choice. A farting can o' cream is a romance mood-breaker.
@dado: Take my pen-knife, my good man!
I'd bitch about the grossness of that Cool Whip photo, but Cool Whip is a vital ingredient in my Pudding Shots™. Pudding Shots™: The dessert that gets you drunk!
I'm still confused at why it is apparently so difficult to pull cheese slices out of the package. There's no intermediate step - you take a cheese slice out of the plastic! Shit, I hate fat kids.
@HeyThatsMyBike: Jello made from milk = yogurt - according to Kraft.
@dado: Take my penknife, my good man!
@dado: ha!
@Clare: Gah!
@Astigmatism: Or a barrel of cheese sauce next to the lazy boy/toilet.(Idiocracy)
And people are grossed out by the roasted cuy(guinea pig, Andean delicacy) in the Flushing Meadows park? (May 2 NYT)
@saxon212: Horse hooves, actually.
@saxon212: OMG yes. Yes, yes, yes.
@Chaim Gnadelstein: Trying this once made me very sick for a good day after eating it. Kind of like swallowing a large a large cup of quick-setting concrete.
pudding, Cool Whip, and cheese slices. All together, even
oh man
you know i have a friend who has just discovered that the reason she is heavier than she wants to be is because she eats crap.
i am writing a diet book
it will be 3 words long
"don't eat crap."
i will share the royalties with gawker
@ExecutiveIntern: mmm...yellow food dyed cheese flavored oil...
@VirusWithShoes: nervous pudding baby
@if_i_only_had_a_heart: how does one fit twinkies into a food pyramid?
Yesterday I discoved that Kraft is making cheese ready cut to fit on crackers (Ritz or larger).
I think if you break into a sweat moving 6 centimeters from fridge to freezer the Cool Whip has already won.
This product is truly a sign of how lazy consumers are: [lowfatcooking.about.com]
You can even be arsed to eat a whole brick of cream cheese.
Like that's ever gonna hit a pie shell. I can just picture someone eating spoonful and spoonful of it while watching Not Without My Daughter.
Also, cool whip is vegan. I learned that after a vegan I know confessed to using it for "other purposes".
Good. A fiendish plan to kill off all the stupid people is finally afoot. Unless all the chemicals they ingest just keep them alive and buying more crap for even longer.
@Fuzzy_duffel_bag: @ Clare I'd buy anything from Lyle Lanley.
This truly is the future. It's like we're all astronauts now. Big, fat, lazy, dumb astronauts.
@HamptonShmampton:
But would you say that you felt famous?
american cheese is the worst thing about america.
@saxon212: cigs are legal so I stay thin and look cool.
That frozen cheese-filled bagels concept is nothing new -- I worked at Big Lots during college, and the freezers there were stocked with 'em. They were gross, sure, especially if you used a shitty microwave, leaving the outside of the bagel surface-of-the-sun-hot and the inside cheese icy cold, but to their credit, they were not as disgusting another product the store sold: pizza on a stick. For reals.
But, fuck, STILL no pre-chewed food?
These are completely manufactured desires (and I say this as someone who works in innovation) and why no one should ever listen to anything a CPG company says. They are not here to help you or make your life better. They exist to make you feel like easy shit is hard ("inhale AND exhale?? Why bother?!") and crap shit is good ( fluorescent orange = natural color for cheese) and to steal your soul. And fill our landfills. Also: strangle our puppies. For profit.
Fuck Kraft, fuck P&G, fuck Pepsico, fuck them all.
It's amazing how many ways these companies can figure out how to sell partially hydrogenated oil and corn derivatives. I applaud the scientific prowess of America's multi-billion-dollar corporations. Huzzah, capitalism!
@HeyThatsMyBike:
Jello pudding is reconstituted using milk. Jello gelatin (the wiggly, fruit-flavored calf-hoof treat) uses hot water.
@Chaim Gnadelstein: The Famous Bowl was my favorite new food product launch of recent times! It exists in a logic vacuum wherein one can "introduce" a "new" product that is already "famous!" Seriously, what can't marketing do?
@nightwatchman_flamekeeper: Yeah, that's what I was thinking about. The magnitude of grotesque laziness is to be either admired or ridiculed or wept at, or all of those at the same time.
Up next: Kraft Apples in powder form! Just add water.
It's sad that the general public is not smart and savvy enough to master cool whip.
@KimGordonsPanties:
I would love to see the research behind KFC's decision to go with the word "famous". What was the second choice, "Glamour Bowl"?
@Clare: Pudding Shots!?! What do you put in those? (aside from the Cool Whip)
"the product is aimed at moms who want to make after-school snacks for their kids without having to wait for the Jell-O to congeal in the fridge. There is, however, some work involved in the preparation - but, luckily, the kids can do it."
so... it's aimed at moms who don't want to make after school snacks for their kids, but would rather their kids have an option other than starving.
This is really going to improve my time in the company Kraft Singles eating competition!
That's funny, I buy Cool Whip because I'm too fucking lazy to shake up an aerosol can.
@Chaim Gnadelstein: My guess would be they were looking for a word that would make consumers feel more comfortable eating a bowl full of yesterday's mashed potatoes, corn, and chicken fingers. "Famous" might imply familiarity and mass acceptance. The honest option would have been KFC's New! Toilet! Bowl!
@nikaoh: The Velveetans should be ashamed, too. Their cheese is a disgrace to their planet!
@Steverino: yeah! Krapples!
@KimGordonsPanties: Or "KFC's Old Shit Delights"?
I wonder how long it'll be before the pre-made cookie dough in a tube comes on a cookie sheet?
It isn't only manufacturers dumbing down eating. The New York Times recently forced its critics to review chain restaurants like Applebee's and the Cheesecake Factory, and apparently decimated their vocabularies in the process. (For the record, an Outback Steakhouse Bloomin' Onion is "bad for you, but good," a french country salad at the Cheesecake factory "hit the spot," Olive Garden endless salad is "lively," and the nachos at Chili's are "cheesy and savory." Good to know!)
[events.nytimes.com]
It's nice to know a giant corporation is looking out for our well-being. Not to mention not letting all those calf hooves go to waste.
@KimGordonsPanties:
I can't help but think American Idol factored in somewhere - or the abstract idea that people desire fame. Even then, the disconnect between the actual substance of the product and the branding is so vast...
It just shows such blatant contempt for the cust