WHEREAS, Walt Disney Pictures has made available online this week its trailer for the animated/live-action film Beverly Hills Chihuahua, and
WHEREAS, said trailer features George Lopez in his archetypally go-to role as Hollywood's default Mexican voice talent, and
WHEREAS, per cosmic law, secondary Mexican voice talent Cheech Marin is also represented, and
WHEREAS, said trailer introduces Papi, the character referred to in the film's title and the descendant of small singing dogs who "fought alongside Aztec warriors," and
WHEREAS, said trailer features Papi leading a garish CGI chihuahua-ganza of cruise-ship music and Busby Berkley-esque showstoppers, and
WHEREAS, said trailer employs the hip-hop refrain, "We're tiny, we're mighty, we're number one / Yo, we're the real hot dogs, so hold the bun," and
WHEREAS, the frame captured at left is an actual image from said trailer, and
WHEREAS, we cannot stop staring at this image in stunned, staggered anticipation, and
WHEREAS, the only thing missing from the otherwise flawless said trailer is a sequence featuring a chihuahua shaman removing a still-beating chihuahua heart; and
WHEREAS, said trailer ends with the unassailably profound tagline, "50% Warrior. 50% Lover. 100% Chihuahua," and
WHEREAS, we are surprised to discover that the film said trailer supports in not of the "straight-to-DVD" variety but rather a full-length feature to be released in theaters Sept. 26 of this year, and
WHEREAS, there is no fucking way we are waiting nearly five months to see this year's tacky, tasteless, post-culture equivalent of Snakes on a Plane,
NOW, THEREFORE, LET IT BE RESOLVED BY DEFAMER,
1. That Disney moves up the release of Beverly Hills Chihuahua to this Friday, May 9 — preferably as a replacement to Speed Racer, which we viewed yesterday and which barely seems finished;
3. That said trailer precedes every screening of every film in every theater from now until the date Disney can arrange for the wide release of the full-length feature.
RESOLUTION PASSED this 6th day of May, 2008.