Gawker
Before inviting the web to create a collaborative novel using a wiki in 2007, Jeremy Ettinghausen asked, "Can a community write a novel?" The answer is yes but a terrible one! A year later the Penguin publisher told researchers at De Montfort University (Penguin's partner in the project), "It's the best thing I've ever done...but I would never do it again." Which means "The book was awful but I'm not going to insult the 1500 people who wrote it for me." Of course no one expected the novel to be any good — the excerpt below is about as terrible as one would guess. That's why this was a great project for Penguin.
After all, you release some trendy high-concept book, and for every person who reads it there are a hundred who just enjoy the concept and ten people who buy it just to put on the bookshelf. Hell, I had more to say about Freakonomics before I read it than after — I got the point by the time I'd read a review and half of the dust jacket. So if the book doesn't have to live up to its publicity, why not come up with a clever idea and outsource the actual writing?
The text itself is terrible. Here's the opening paragraph:
The deep waters, black as ink, began to swell and recede into an uncertain distance. A gray ominous mist obscured the horizon. The ocean expanse seemed to darken in disapproval. Crashing tides sounded groans of agonized discontent. The ocean pulsed with a frightening, vital force. Although hard to imagine, life existed beneath. It's infinite underbelly was teeming with life, a monstrous collection of finned, tentacled, toxic, and slimy parts. Below its surface lay the wreckage of countless souls. But we had dared to journey across it. Some had even been brave enough to explore its sable velveteen depths, and have yet to come up for precious air...."
But the project itself is ripe for sociological study. It's a fully and publicly documented interaction between over a thousand would-be authors, a postmodern literary critic's orgiastic wet dream. And the recently released analysis from De Montfort is a good read. The researchers study the actions and psychology of the most active editor, "Pabruce," picking apart certain edits, describing his relations with other editors, and guessing at his motives.
This is also the only research paper to ever include the heading "YellowBanana — genius, vandal or troll?"
So Penguin gets some academic attention, some PR, and no real lost respect for this side project. Plus they get to test some tools that might help when they really are farming books out to writing groups. I wish I got that much out of my last terrible novel.
Comments
That graphic is pretty tame, Nick.
@Bell County: I was gonna use a gallery of tranny porn but apparently there's a two-strikes rule.
@Bell County: Yeah, this would've gone well with some unlabeled hardcore Asian pornography.
My infinite underbelly is teeming with tacos.
that is a LOT of adjectives.
@Nick Douglas: Hey, you're back. Good for you.
Nothing wrong with tranny porn... but goats? That's what's effed up.
Syntactically, it seems that underbelly is only teeming with ONE life.
But then again, I'm nitpicking the WORST THING EVER WRITTEN.
From Roland Barthes' perspective, this is a bloodbath.
Hey, 1500 authors plus their moms? Not bad sales for a first novel.
ok read that paragraph, and then understand that this is probably less than a page later:
"The sad truth was that everyone thought Jim was kind of an ass. Also, it didn't really help that he hung out in an internet cafe. Jim noticed people. He loved to take in what he saw. Here, Jim thought to himself, is a man who is strong in character, firm in beliefs and yet, stifled somehow,... with a faint air of melancholy. Jim made a mental note of all these things and continued his own writing, trying unsuccessfully to erase the image of football tights and palm slapped buttocks from his already wandering mind's eye. "
Finally, a book that uses "Sable Velveteen" within 300 words of "kind of an ass".
I could have saved them all a lot of trouble. Only people in Manhattan and certain parts of Brooklyn can write novels.
@arguablythemostfamous: That's just special.
Let ME decide if the gray mist is ominous or not! Jeeze.
does this remind anybody else of the email/fax joke of the HS student's metaphores and analogies?
"The little row-boat drifted lightly across the pond in exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."
Yep, hard to imagine things living in the fucking ocean. Can I review this for Gawker?
1500 writers and not one copywriter who could point out the wrong usage of an apostrophe? "It's infinite underbelly was teeming with life"!
It was a dark and stormy night...
It's still an improvement over James Frey.
@arguablythemostfamous:
The tomato garden had an insatiable hunger for the rich fertilizer that only Bess' plump cows could possibly yield. It was their manure that was the secret to those majestic, ruby-red beefsteaks. It was their manure that would prove Bess' demise.
Beneath the pale glow of the April moon, thoughts festered and danced mischievously inside compact cattle minds; evil thoughts or righteous thoughts -- a matter merely of perspective. The cows had an understanding with the tomatoes. One could say it was a brotherhood, were one to disregard the female nature of the cow...
@FitnessMadeSimple: Such was the life of the cattle herd, lazily sleeping and grazing amongst the tomatoes, potatoes and other similar sounding vegetables, forever forced to continue mournfully on in their existence as mere sustinence. Or so we all thought...
@KimGordonsPanties: E-mail a review to me and I think we can put it up.
@arguablythemostfamous: But as Bess emerged from her house one Wednesday morning to start her day's chores, her eyes fell upon a wall of horror that sent her legs into blitzkrieg atrophy.
Bess tried to rise from her knees, but her efforts proved futile. She could only curl up into herself, trying in vein to weave a protective cocoon she knew would not materialize. The earth rumbled as the cows approached, front legs suspended in the air and eyes glowing with the same red ferocity as her prized tomatoes...
@FitnessMadeSimple: Brilliant.
Also, the funny thing about the passage in the post is that it totally works if your replace "velveteen" with "velveeta."
@unutterable: In the opening paragraph, no less!
I was going to say it will be really difficult to divvy up royalties amongst 1500 authors, but since that requires someone to buy the book, it's really not so much a problem anymore.
@HamptonShmampton: Indeed! If that's not a Bulwer-Lytton winner right there, I'm not sure what is.
I used to work at Penguin. My imprint would have killed to publish something this good.
@TheHonJudgeSmails: The graphic put me into some kind of trance where I didn't do any work for like... all day (like most days!). Can I sue you?
@FitnessMadeSimple: The waves of horror that pulsed through Bess' undulating body wouldn't cease, as she watched her prize herd, now disgusting killer zombies, amble towards her, hooves raised, stopping only periodicallly to chew their cud disdainfully, their dead, lifeless eyes never wavering. Bess stood frozen, no thoughts penetrating her conscious other than one singular question: were her tomatoes safe?
...I'm still laughing at "blitzkrieg atrophy"
@HamptonShmampton: The night was moist...
Sable velveteen depths ... come up for air
Dear Penthouse,
I never thought this would happen to me, but there I was, deep in her sable velveteen, errr, depths, and I never thought Mr. Willy would ever come up for air. Poor phallus! Lucky me!
Signed,
P. Urple Prose
List of adjectives used in that opening paragraph:
deep black uncertain gray ominous crashing agonized frightening vital infinite monstrous finned tentacled toxic slimy countless brave sable velveteen precious
This is funny, but I can't quite put my finger on why.
@arguablythemostfamous: @valarmorghulis: I'm pretty sure that's Tom Robbins.
@FitnessMadeSimple: "trying in vein." You're killing me here.
I think you are all confusing something; why do you persist in the ridiculous notion that because something is appallingly bad it will not sell? Dan Brown, anyone?
@raincoaster: It's true. There's no reason this couldn't be a bestseller.
@PattyCake: I know...I realized my mistake as soon as I clicked submit...but it was too late. I was hoping no one would pick up on it.
@lawyergay: Thanks :)
@arguablythemostfamous: Well done. I like the way you ended that.
"It's infinite underbelly was teeming with life"
Wow. They can't even spell "its". I hope this error makes it into print.
Is this passage referring to Cthulu? Do not rouse the dark lord from his slumber. His thirst is not easily slaked and his anger most terrible!
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