Not first.

I always thought a good tactic would be to ask. I know, I'm crazy like that.

Now I know why Heidi always has that constipated look on her face.

Can we get input from Cary Tennis on this matter?

I think his "boxing" coach is referring to wrestling guys and checking the oil. wrestlers = gross. spencer is prattling on about nothing. as per usual.

I didn't know it was an issue. If you like someone, you mess with their butt.

If their butt is stinky, leave.

Plain and simple.

well good, my purging is taken care of for the day.

@contradicto:

Three fingers of old red eye, please.

@Unfun: I've always been a fan of the Mortal Kombat route.

also, gross picture. gross. gross.

also I'm positive Heidi takes anal. 100. Percent. Positive.

RIGHT SPENCER???

Next on MTV: "Celebrity Hot Tub Advice Club" - Spencer Pratt and his insane boxing coach Dirty Phi dispense advice to the lovelorn, the tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning for plastic surgery.

Who knew that Spencer's douchebaggery could bring a smile after the day I'm having....not sure about the advice itself though.

I, for one, always bring it up on a first date. It's a litmus test, really. Kinda like their views on abortion.

Dirty Phi? I wonder if he's any relation of Old Dirty Bastard? In which case, we should take any advice he gives quite seriously.

@Elle Menopi: "if you like someone, you mess with their butt" is the best thing I've heard in weeks

Just the advice you would expect from an asshole...

Comon now, whatever happened to the old, "two in the pink, one in the stink???"

@Unfun: I always bring it up, too. But all indirect and sly-like. I say, "If things go well, maybe you'll give me a key to your backdoor?" then I wink, tap my pinkie ring against the table and tell her to have more breadsticks and salad.

@Jay-C: And insult to assholes around the world...THANKS

Any sex with Spencer Pratt is butt sex.

@nightwatchman_flamekeeper: Cary Tennis' official stance: "fuck it".

I thought the simple "poor aim" tactic was universal.

If I suddenly felt fingers in my ass with no prior mention of butt sex, my response would be anything but happy. Oh sorry, happily.

@fiveinchtaint: Shhhhhhh!

...and if you put your whole hand in and something shakes it, run.

taco bell -- good choice, richard.

@dummyfakeroller: I guess that's where you and I differ. @fiveinchtaint: All those times, they were doing it ON PURPOSE? Men!

Wait. I've got all ten in, now what do I do again? D Phi, a little help?

@Unfun: Well, it is usually a genuine accident. Usually.

I'm not sure I'd stick anything up anyone so obviously full of shit.

@Calitri: You can type with your feet? The talent around here is breathtaking sometimes.

Well, I guess we know the way to Spencer's heart is the Curious Finger. I personally hate the curious finger. If you like me, please do not mess with my butt.

Thanks.

Wait...how many fingers?

My god. There isn't a shower on earth powerful enough.

@Nard38: Sounds like the making of a perfect first date. Where we meeting?

Why do they have to talk? If only whoever did that non-dialogue clip of The Hills was God, he could edit out everything they say in the real world except for the facial expressions.

@Unfun: Any participating Olive Garden.

My personal trainer says drug her, gag her, tie arms and legs to bed, insert various household items into anus (pepper mill, leg table, Han Solo figure, etc.). If she doesn't call police, she's into it.

"You really want to start with a finger or two before you start lubing up the big zucchini. You know, just to be sure it's cool."

I wish my doctor had the same attitude.

@MisterHippity: I'd think a cucumber would be cooler. At least more refreshing.

Since she throws up all her food, I'm sure she was thrilled to find a use for her rectum.

@Nard38: No fucking way! I'm Italian, I won't eat that sludge. If we're white trashing it, I'd prefer Friday's. Done and done.

@Nard38: I hope you have a big trunk. I'm gonna put my bike in it!

or you can call yourself a compassionate conservative, and see where that gets you. oh, sorry, that only works for some people.

@Unfun: Whoa, I'm not made of money! It's a first date, not a wedding reception. If you don't like Olive Garden, we can find an Old Country Buffet. Now, I know you're thinking that a buffet might be confusing. Don't worry. I consulted their website.

It's Easy to Buffet!
Just follow a few simple steps:

Step one: Pay the cashier when you come in.
Step two: Find a table or ask for help in finding one.
Step three: Head to the buffet!
Step four: Enjoy a wide variety of selections and beverages.
Step five: Turn over your cashier's slip when you are finished.

@DorothyMantooth: Ooo, that's good. It could also work with "garage" and "hog."

@Nard38:

I usually just take my seat, unfold the napkin onto my lap and say, "Do you like butt sex?"

@mikedell: I think I used to date your personal trainer. I did not call the police.

@Nard38: @Chaim Gnadelstein: I usually eat the cashier, and leave money in the mashed potatoes. Wrong!

@Elle Menopi:
Terrence Howard, is that you?

@Chaim Gnadelstein: I prefer the "Earwax Fetish," but all of their desserts are delicious.

@Nard38: Oh man. The tater tot casserole is to die for. And then using a large salad bowl for a soft-served dessert. Ice cream, that is. Had to specify due to the nature of the post.

@Unfun: And now I'm hungry. For a cute waiter smeared with gravy...

@Nard38: It's from 40-year-old Virgin, to be fair.
But I am so gonna steal your variation and take the credit!

@Nard38: After a long day of work the last thing I want to do is follow a series of protocols at a buffet. They need to streamline the whole thing, then I'll think about it.

2 in the blood, one in the mud or in Heidi's case 3 in the mud.

@fiveinchtaint: Ugh! 2 girls 1 buffet?

@Unfun:

Oh, the number of times I've sat on the table and eaten off the seat. And then looked up and said, "Do you like butt sex?"

It's the oldest trick in the book with Catholic high school boys.....try to convince the girl to try anal sex because she won't get pregnant.

Don't ask me how I know.

@fiveinchtaint: I like the big bowl idea. In college, I used to get nachos at 7-11 (never forget!) that came in a big, plastic tub. Now, what The Man wanted me to do was pour a few spoonfuls of 3 day-old chili over the nachos. Not this guy! I'd dump the nachos in a plastic shopping bag and fill the tub with 3 day-old chili. So, I was getting at least 9 cents worth of chili for only 99 cents!!!

@fiveinchtaint: I guess that if you're going to use that ploy, that taint aint five inches

@Chaim Gnadelstein: Of all the things you've written, that one was the most fun to picture Wilford Brimley doing/saying. Tears are running down my face.

This wouldn't be a problem if English were our offical language.

@Nard38:

Indeed, Wilford Brimley and butt sex are like chocolate and peanut butter.

@Chaim Gnadelstein:

...IS like...

Pardon the language but OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! As if I didn't have enough creepy images of those two, her dildo fucking him with a strap on is so not pretty!!!

@ge90036: Oh stop it, her dildo fucking him with a strap on is so much more interesting than the bland shit they show on the Hills.