JFP is an ORPHAN. Of course he doesn't know the year he was born.

Does Dr. Phil book all his shows through Gawker now? Oh no, that means a certain special someone may be making an appearance on a FAMEBALL-themed episode. Or maybe he'll analyze the crabby old man from Bay Ridge? Or Emily and Josh will have to move into the Dr. Phil house...

Two observations: JFP has a perfect voice for shutting the fuck up. I mean really, did he swallow a Long Island housewife? Back in 1967? When he was fucking born?

And Janka? Just keep setting that bar low, dude, the rest of us thank you. Girls, if you like this, you're probably just not all that deep.

Yeah, I would be really proud that my dating tactic is to "pick off girls like a vulture."

Is there a type of vulture I'm not aware of that doesn't feast on the carcasses of dead animals?

he got his passport pre-9/11... ya know, when you just needed a fake driver's ID instead of a birth certificate to get one. that's why he's 35. or maybe he just totally forgot that he lived six more years, probably these last six...

It's amazing how a lot of guys in NYC couldn't buy a date here (well, unless someone's actively selling!) but this guy Janka can fool all the ladies into taking him for a quick test-drive. It's as if something were wrong with everyone's metrics!

Sometimes I picture JFP, Paul Janka, Julia Allison, Leven Rambin, Mary Rambin, and a few others sitting in a room scribbling rumors about the Gawker staff in a Burn Book while Denton stands at a staff meeting saying, "They think they can move on with their careers and not mention me?? I like INVENTED them, you know what I mean??"

I love how his new line is, "have you heard of the Internet thing, 'the worst person in the world?'- yeah that's me." Great way to break the ice.

My new circle of Hell: Ira Glass reporting on the Dr. Phil show in which Joe Francis is a guest.

JFP is trying to USE his horror story to pick up women! When he encounters women who don't know about him, he TELLS it!

Okay. I just blacked out a second from hyperventilating while I laughed.

Thank you.

"It's like the popular girls in high school!"

....Surely one of JFP's stats is that he wasn't scared of the popular girls in high school?

Of course I'm waiting for the day when JFP's stats become nothing but lines copy and pasted from Chucknorrisfacts.com.

JFP doesn't sleep, he waits.

Say what you will about the guy from Bum Fights, but his appearance on Dr. Phil's show was absolute genius:

+ Watch video

Hmm, let's see JFP. Would you rather fess up on national television when EVERYONE ON EARTH knows you are lying, or would you rather publicly admit to committing a crime by lying about your age when applying for a passport? Because I'm fairly certain that breaks federal law (does furious legal research). God, that was painful. His head is so far up his ass he can't even see the light of day anymore.

Oy. I don't think I can take that much cringe in a single afternoon.

@Carol Gardens:
Haha! You know, I bet there are more than a handful of 'D.Phil's that
read Gawker :)

Mr. Ketch, can we say bad things about this guy or JFP's appearance?

This is pure entertainment.

just caught the end of this on the tv... the two of them are making plans to hang out. "when you're at my level," says the dark-haired one, "it's good to have a wingman."

That voice is beyond grating, and the "No! No! No! No! No!" thing at the beginning makes me think he's a self-hating gay. I'm sure the gays wouldn't want him either.

@Bell County: I wouldn't try it. A bunch of people ragging on Frank Rich's kid got the ax for that.

He wants someone with the same attributes he has?

... like a sweaty, shovel-jawed woman with small hands, a voice like a buzz saw and male-pattern baldness?

@Unfun: I know! I tend not to make appearance jokes (glass houses), I'm just trying to understand the rules.

@Bell County: Although it seems like there is a certain category labeled "asking for it," which can be applied to these two. I'm not fucking around, I'm already on my second life...

@Unfun: Yeah, but your avatar still has seven spares.

Sigh.

Even after his particular brand of stupidity is broadcast throughout the land, he STILL doesn't get it.

Did anyone catch the fact that on Dr. Phil he said he went to one of the best business schools in the country (Wharton) but on his bizaree website he said he "took some classes" at Wharton...which you can do as an undergrad. What a LOSER...sad.

gay

Big douche in a little pond.

Anyone else notice the subtle whisper of ponytail in that Driver's Licence photo?
(Not judging, Mr. Ketch, just trying to confirm what I may or may not have seen. I swear, some of my best girlfriends have ponytails!)

Ah ha ha ha! I love how he came up with that fake ID story off the top of his head! No wonder he's in Mensa! John, baby, fuck the haters. You can wink at me any time. Better watch out for the federal government coming after you for falsifying your age, though.

PS: Don't worry, I have long hair.

Wow it's actually really weird how he kept obviously lying about his age. That kind of delusion is serious.

Also, the best testament to just how classy he is the fact that he agreed to be on Dr. Phil.

@MissCast: To be fair, it's not the perfect hair- and jawline a man doth make. But the combination of this guy's paper-thin self esteem (my guess) and his preposterous sense of entitlement (obvious) are what make him a sad, sad creature.

@Hez: Maybe he watched Singles too many times in the '90s and didn't grasp that "Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man" wasn't meant as a positive descriptor.

I can't really say though, my work had a GPO preventing Flash from working. That's the ponytail I'm imagining though.

The Buckhead Fuckhead. I hope to Christ that someone already thought of that, 'cause if not, it took waaaaay too long.

Where can I find a rerun or watch online? Watching this just makes me feel better about myself, and I've had a bad day.

There is most likely something mentally wrong with Mr. Page, I actually feel bad for him.

"When I signed up on Facebook I was probably 33 or something mumble mumble..."

I didn't know that Facebook existed pre-internet!

The idea of them as wingmen made me throw up in my mouth a little.

Janka is a horrible no doubt, he is good looking on some level - but Page isn't even hot. Page says he's in good shape but from the outside his head looks like the StayPuff marshmallow man with hair plugs.

That? Was AWESOME. Now all I need is to have Dr. Phil take on Robert Olen Butler next.

I watched it on tv today and Page was completely delusional.

He kept saying he didn't get why he was getting nailed for blowing off a fat chick. Dr Phil finally said it seems like the fat chick blew you off and I nearly choked on my coffee.

feels incomplete without Eric Schaeffer up there.

@pufflehuff: I know! Facebook asks for your date of birth, not how old you are at the time you sign up. It's not like you get frozen in amber, pal.

What a cardboard cutout. He probably disappears if you turn him sideways.

@In Other News...: That applies to most residents of that miserable neighborhood.

omg!!!11!!1 people on the internet lie! "when i signed up on facebook, i was probably 33..." never mind that facebook profiles age with you. (But really? It's because I WAS born in 19XX, but then invented a time machine, and traveled forward a couple of years [and then back, and then forward, but I do it so often that I lose count], so chronologically, I may yes, actually be 41, but, to be honest, biologically I'm likely only 35. Also, I would have put this on my "stats", but I don't like to brag -- I mean about inventing the time machine and all. I'm just not that kind of guy.)

@lawyer gay: I KNOW! Nice to know that I'm not crazy to think that there may be just a little more to the story. However, the thought of JFP being unleashed on teh gheyz is truly cringe inducing.

If you can't view the video you can read the recap here:

[drphil.com]

@friend_of_a_friend: servicy, thanks!

Who needs self-esteem when you can just criticize everyone else in the bar and grade yourself on the curve? He seems not so much a person as behavior disorders holding hands.

I think Nick Denton doesn't invent these types so much as discovers them. Gawker should demand a 10% cut on all future gigs, however sad they may be. "Nick Denton - blog editor by day, agent extraordinaire by night. A man who does not discriminate against potential clients on the basis of (fake) age, sexual (proclivity), (shirt) color, creed or the complete lack thereof." Gawker to JFP, Janka & JA - "Help me, help you!"

NOW I understand what my psychology professor meant when he said, "The ego bullshits."

He slouches and several of his chins cast more shadows than his face.