Everybody listen: Scarlett Johansson is saying stuff. About men. Heroic men! Iconic men! Men she would like to honor! The blonde actress, who insists on putting out an unwanted record, reveals the five guys she considers her "dads": Woody Allen, Bill Murray, Tom Waits, Barack Obama, and Bob Dylan. Suck it, actual dad! While a waggish type might be tempted to point out that none of these "dads" saved her from looking like an alien albino on the cover of Paste, a wiser person would examine her dad choices and ponder the question: Aren't these just a bunch of random old guys that probably don't even know her that well?
- Bill Murray: She was in the movie Lost In Translation with him. "I don't even remember what I did off screen, I was so jetlagged," she says. Profound.
- Woody Allen: She just finished shooting her third movie with him. "I'm always kind of weirded out when I'm interviewed by people who say, 'Gosh! Woody must be in love with you.' It's like, 'fucking expand your mind,'" she says. Revelatory.
- Tom Waits: She is doing a cover album of his music. "I was this little blonde girl with a baritone singing voice, which at nine was freakish, I'm sure," she says. Epic.
- Barack Obama: She supports his campaign. "He's confronting health-care issues that affect young people. You know, most of my friends don't have insurance," She says. Heartwarming.
- Bob Dylan: She was in a video for his song. "I've been fortunate enough to never be the biggest media sensation," she says. Intense.
[BONUS: Her real father: She is his child. "My dad's Danish. That would be the first adjective I'd use to describe my father," she says. Specific.]