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We've already made our case for why the Wachowskis' overstuffed Gran Turismo-on-Salvia fever dream and Kutcher and Diaz's feature-length sexual-health instructional film will likely limp their way across the box office finish line this Monday. But that still leaves filmgoers with a taxing dilemma: Which of the two movies would they rather see less? Clocking in nearly neck-and-neck in their bottom-of-the-class Tomatometer scores, it's anyone's race. Perhaps mainstream film critics—and the pun-loving headline writers who really sell the bile—can help you decide:

Speed Racer
· Just a drag 'Racer' [LAT]
· Great fun, if you like watching video games [Globe and Mail (sub. req'd.)]
· 'Speed Racer' stalls at the starting line [Detroit Free Press]
· 'Speed Racer' spins by screen at nauseating, wearing pace [Salt Lake Tribune]
· 'Speed Racer': Take a Detour [WashPo]
· 'Speed Racer' limps around the track [USA Today]
· A nonsensical computer-generated racing thriller freaks out our correspondent with its cartoon plastic tackiness [London Times Online]

What Happens in Vegas
·Insults, but no jackpot in 'Vegas' [EW]
·'What Happens in Vegas' is nothing to write home about [Kalamazoo Gazette]
· Not buying this Vegas line, or even the odd couple of losers [Union Tribune]
·There is no escape in 'Vegas' and not much comedy, either []
·Wedded miss in new Kutcher, Diaz comedy []
·Shoulda Stayed in Vegas [Winnipeg Sun]
·What happens? You don't want to know [CanWest]
·'What Happens in Vegas' feels like a losing streak [USA Today]