'Bioshock' Eludes Uwe Boll's Kiss Of Hacky Death

· We're not really sure how studios divvy up video game titles, deciding a Postal or Bloodrayne needs to land on the pile with flies buzzing around it marked "For Uwe," while saving a property like Bioshock for a crowd-pleasing effects wizard like Gore Verbinski, but there you have it: Verbinksi will direct Universal's big-screen adaptation. (We know, we know: It's a classic. Release it from its Microsoft shackles, so we can at least all be on the same page.) [Variety]
· Alexander Payne has been attached to direct the buzzed-about pilot Hung—featuring a well-endowed protagonist who "figures out a way to use his best asset"—for HBO. His agents are currently awaiting their package fee. Rimshot! [Variety]

· Stephen McPherson has signed a "multiyear deal" as president of ABC Entertainment. A Snookies basket, card attached reading, "Congrats on the re-up, D-girl! Love, Ben" is on its way as we speak. [Variety]
· The Gong Show is coming back, in a revival on Comedy Central set to be hosted by Dave Attell. On a personal note, this comes as thrilling news to us, as we've not yet found a wide enough platform with which to thrill millions with our "Have You Got a Nickel?" act. [Variety]
· MTV has purchased a competitive reality show from Justin Timberlake and FreemantleMedia called The Phone, which is based on a Dutch format (what is it with those Dutch and their wacky reality show ideas!) that "[plunges] the contestants into a real life Bourne Identity." We're not sure what that means, but we hope it involves having them break each other's windpipes with the spine of a paperback. [THR]