'Iron' Wins

Chase away the Monday morning May-gloom blues with a glimpse at the box office numbers:

1. Iron Man - $50.5 million
Iron Man's strong finish was confidently predicted by just about everyone, including your own mother, who called yesterday to thank you for her bouquet, but "would have preferred you send me that Roger Downey Jr. fellow—he can rocket-boost over here anytime! Oh, your father's getting jealous now. Pipe down, Seymour—you know you're the only Iron Man for me. By the way, I predict a healthy 49% drop with the audience skewing slightly more female due to strong word of mouth. Anyway, thanks again for the flowers! And don't forget to call your sister!"

2. Speed Racer - $20.210 million
How to tell the difference between an underperforming™ tentpole and a true bomb? When studio executives can't even drum up a quote brimming with the false, "Hey, let's see how it fares internationally—those foreigners love everything!" optimism we've come to expect from someone with a stinker to spin and a job on the line. That said, let's take Speed's temperature, via these observations from Warner Bros. president of domestic distribution Dan Fellman: "It's just one of those moments in our business where the results don't seem to justify our hopes, and we'll move on." Bomb, Speed Racer, bomb!

3. What Happens in Vegas - $20 million
Certainly the fact that Racer could barely* outpace Vegas—a moderately budgeted Hollywood remake of a Japanese horror film about a man who wins big at Pachinko and is forced to marry Cameron Diaz—only heightened Warner Bros.' shame, leading to a tragic but seemingly inevitable mass seppuku ritual at their Burbank offices this morning, using the ceremonial, third-floor-kitchen bagel knife.

4. Made of Honor - $7.6 million
The 17th straight Patrick Dempsey romantic comedy to connect with his core audience of extremely lonely women, clinical psychotics, and people in dire need of a quiet place to nap and/or duck the law held strong in the fourth position, practically guaranteeing its sequels, 27 Tuxes and A Groom of One's Own.

5. Baby Mama - $5.766 million
Lamaze humor is frequently lost on us.

*And probably won't even.