Just get Carlos Mencia to take over Letterman's job, and ensure that both Jimmy Kimmel and Craig Ferguson keep theirs, and I'll be able to get a good night's sleep all week.

But will he be able to make it through a single monologue without laughing at his own unfunny jokes?

The AP and I have something in common...

His haircut's been carrying him all these years.

banging head on desk

Talking unicorns? Um, didn't Henny Youngman do a bit about talking unicorns?

Isn't it Family Guy where he gets beat up for not being funny? And deflowers Meg? Or was it some other unfunny SNL guy?

@RonMwangaguhunga: Yeah but the hair is decidedly Sam Donaldson in that pic.

Let me go on the record now and predict a failure of Chevy Chase-esque proportions.

Give him a break. He works for the AP.

That lede/nut graf is like the zaniest thing he's ever been allowed to write.

@NinaHagen: I've not watched FamGuy in too long. Get gives her vcard to Fallon!!?

Finally someone I can confuse with Carson Daly.

The only thing somewhat funny Fallon can sincerely put on his resume was his spontaneous, never-ending giggle fit he had during the now legendary "More Cowbell" skit. Yes, that's it.

@NinaHagen: Yes, he was beat up for not being funny... NOT for the deflowering of "Extreme Makeover" Meg. (Who was hot. Yes, I thought she was hot in the cartoon. Whut?)

You think I'm a hack now? You should see it when I'm rusty.

Forget the unicorns, didn't he just admit he was Rupert Pupkin?

Maybe they could get the talking unicorn to host instead. It'd probably bring in some of the stoned Adult Swim crowd. With Fallon you'd probably have to get stoned to get through that and then remember "holy shit that talking hamburger show is on, fuck this".

He's nothing without Sanz.

There really is a St. Mary's of the Snow in Saugerties, NY.

[www.google.com]

And there is also "snow" on David Bauder's desk, apparently.

because michael showalter was too busy being fucking awesome.

still, they couldn't get david cross? his "interview class" from when he went on Carson Daly was awesome.er.

My kindergarten grade voted me "most likely to take over for Richard Simmons."

Kids can be so cruel.

I hope he at least gets to make 'Taxi II: Latifah Eats NY' before he starts.

Ways that Jimmy Fallon can be funny:

-Punch fucks a dwarf.
-Dies in plastic surgery.
-Dies.

Unrelated: style-card.com needs to fire their media buyer. Most people on Gawker are drunk perverts.

I expect an AP followup story tomorrow exposing Jimmy Fallon as a liar after our intrepid reporter does a little research and discovers the shocking truth.

You know who else is never funny?

Tina Fucking Fey!

*runs away from angry hornet nest*

Hopefully this will provide him with the opportunity to destroy more of my favorite Nick Hornby novels onscreen.

@restoration_rake: Or of Pat Sajak proportions?

@Silverbackne: If you want, you can just stay put instead of making us find you. FEY IS GOD.

eh, conan sucked balls when he started too.

and i'm sorry but what kind of douchebag reporter asks for clarification on a joke.

"my wife is so fat...."
"really, how fat is she? like clinically obese or just valerie bertinelli chubby?"

@Chaim Gnadelstein: Expect to see Sanz in the sidekick chair, stumbling through scripted conversation and giggling at the least funny lines.

David Cross would be great, but he'd spend too much time calling the guests "fucking idiots" and making fun of them, which we might love, but network execs would not.

And for the life of me, this banner ad for Nikon I keep seeing is pissing me off: WHY is Ashton Kutcher doing Nikon commercials? Is he broke already? Is drug addiction leading him to do this? Is he saving up for a ring for some worthless tramp?

I've heard a lot of rumors that he's still a serious cokehead, and once suckerpunched a guy in an afterhours bar in Manhattan.

How will middle America feel about their new late night sociopath?

Never mind the fact he ain't funny.