Nicolas Cage and Werner Herzog to Team Up For Either Best or Worst Remake Ever

We drank too much last night as usual, blacking out and then awaking from the strangest dream in a cold sweat: Werner Herzog was in New York remaking Abel Ferrara's infamous, NC-17-rated 1992 cop drama Bad Lieutenant and arguing with his star — Nicolas Cage of all people! — about the most tasteful way to replicate Harvey Keitel's full-frontal nude scene from the original film. Cage wanted a stunt penis, but Herzog, in his stern Bavarian accent, scolded Cage repeatedly: "No, no, no, Nic. That is cowardly and stupid. If Kinski were here..." At which point noted schlock producer Avi Lerner showed up out of nowhere to intercede on his director's behalf, reminding Cage that if Jason Segel could do it, then an Oscar winner could as well — ratings be damned.

So imagine our shock, surprise and revulsion this morning as our bleary eyes first browsed Variety:

Nicolas Cage will star in an updated version of 1992's Bad Lieutenant with Werner Herzog directing, Edward R. Pressman producing and Avi Lerner's Nu Image/Millennium Films financing.
Project, also called Bad Lieutenant, is due to be announced at Cannes. Production will start in late summer.

You cannot — or perhaps should not — make this stuff up. Either way, as God is our witness, we will never... drink... again.