The '90210' Mills Vs. 'Arrested' Bluths: Bound By Their Drunk Grandmother

The CW's upfront presentation—actually a press release from network president Dawn Ostroff, upon which no expense was spared—announced that the flailing bastard network had finally "zeroed in on our target demo" (young women, 18-34), and would therefore spend the rest of their existence slavishly catering to their newly identified audience's whims and needs. Another season of Mr. and Mrs. Jay enacting their high-fashion minstrel show up and down the deck of the USS Nimitz while deployed to the Persian Gulf? You got it. A two-hour special with limited commercial interruption brought to you by Axe Body Spray, entitled, Chace Crawford: Shirtless? Coming right up. Less lucky: Aliens in America, Life is Wild, The Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious, and Beauty and the Geek, who were all dropped faster than an 8th grader wipes her former best friend from her myFaves after finding out she blabbed about her yeast infection to the rest of their backup-dancing class.

Greatest TV show in history Gossip Girl returns (whose conceit of being narrated by a simpering, faceless gossip blogger never gets the least bit annoying) and One Tree Hill (cut it down and count its rings: 100 and counting!) live on, joined by two new dramas: 90210, and The One That Isn't 90210. The spinoff's official cast photo (above) features the sublime Jessica Walter, called upon to put yet another spin on the boozy family matriach. It instantly reminded us of another family portrait, that of the capsized Bluths on the cover of Arrested Development's first season DVD. We can only hope 90210's Gypsy Lohan winds up with a hook for a hand by the end of the first season.