Maybe you didn't like the list of powerful people you're supposed to follow on Twitter. Neither did I! Because powerful people don't Twitter. But witty people do! Such as the man who wrote, "How much do you have to pay a cop to forget he saw a bloodstained Tickle Me Elmo stuffed with opium? Wikipedia is like zero help over here."
Name: Joshua Green Allen
Best: The quote above, and: " What I do while going through the automatic car wash is really nobody's beeswax but I will say it's not particularly 'touchless.'"
Best: "Did you hear? No 3G iPhone. They were all destroyed in that damn quake. What a travesty. Some people died, too. - Sent from a toilet in China"
Name: Mathew Honan
Best: "Why are all these POOR PEOPLE on my plane—do not TOUCH my MacBookAir! No in-flight lattés, WTF? Last time I fly Southwest... #sxsw" (For a week Mathew pretended he was at the annual tech festival.)
Name: Scott Simpson
Best: "The kid is cute; the father is ugly. I always forget: is it the cosine or the sine that allows you to solve for whether the mom is hot?"
Name: Ainsley Drew
Best: "You know how a Venus flytrap snaps shut when you poke it with a pencil? My vagina does that when you say 'recumbent bike.'"
Name: Jay Hathaway
Best: "Heard of maxin' and relaxin', but can't figure out maxin' by itself. Unless it's something the Fresh Prince couldn't comfortably rap about."
Name: Mike Monteiro
Best: "Working out to Pavement is amusing. It's like neither of us is REALLY trying too hard."
Name: Merlin Mann
Best: "Hipster-Hat-and-Beard-Guy-with-One-Pant-Leg-Always-Rolled-Up, you'll henceforth be known as 'Tattoos McFixiepants.' Or, 'TatMac,' for short."
Name: John Moltz
Best: "Dear California: while we applaud your gay weddings, we don't really give a shit how hot it is there. Love, the Rest of the World."
Name: Erika Hall
Best; "Damn right I'm having a Fluffernutter bagel for breakfast. (The fluff is 2 months past its freshness date, so I've dialed 9-1- on my cell)"
Name: Briana Mowrey
Best: "Good news! I found the greatest love of all inside of me! Other stuff I found inside me: sangria, Red 40, lactobacilli, tiny Dennis Quaid."
Name: Adam Lisagor
Best: "I don't want to leave my office to pee because I don't think anyone knows I'm here today. On the other hand, I'm out of empties."