Maybe you didn't like the list of powerful people you're supposed to follow on Twitter. Neither did I! Because powerful people don't Twitter. But witty people do! Such as the man who wrote, "How much do you have to pay a cop to forget he saw a bloodstained Tickle Me Elmo stuffed with opium? Wikipedia is like zero help over here."

1. Fireland

Name: Joshua Green Allen

Best: The quote above, and: " What I do while going through the automatic car wash is really nobody's beeswax but I will say it's not particularly 'touchless.'"




2. Fedge

Name: Jeff

Best: "Did you hear? No 3G iPhone. They were all destroyed in that damn quake. What a travesty. Some people died, too. - Sent from a toilet in China"




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3. Mat

Name: Mathew Honan

Best: "Why are all these POOR PEOPLE on my plane—do not TOUCH my MacBookAir! No in-flight lattés, WTF? Last time I fly Southwest... #sxsw" (For a week Mathew pretended he was at the annual tech festival.)




4. ScottSimpson

Name: Scott Simpson

Best: "The kid is cute; the father is ugly. I always forget: is it the cosine or the sine that allows you to solve for whether the mom is hot?"




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5. AinsleyofAttack

Name: Ainsley Drew

Best: "You know how a Venus flytrap snaps shut when you poke it with a pencil? My vagina does that when you say 'recumbent bike.'"




6. Strutting

Name: Jay Hathaway

Best: "Heard of maxin' and relaxin', but can't figure out maxin' by itself. Unless it's something the Fresh Prince couldn't comfortably rap about."




7. Mike_FTW

Name: Mike Monteiro

Best: "Working out to Pavement is amusing. It's like neither of us is REALLY trying too hard."




8. Hotdogsladies

Name: Merlin Mann

Best: "Hipster-Hat-and-Beard-Guy-with-One-Pant-Leg-Always-Rolled-Up, you'll henceforth be known as 'Tattoos McFixiepants.' Or, 'TatMac,' for short."




9. Moltz

Name: John Moltz

Best: "Dear California: while we applaud your gay weddings, we don't really give a shit how hot it is there. Love, the Rest of the World."




10. Mulegirl

Name: Erika Hall

Best; "Damn right I'm having a Fluffernutter bagel for breakfast. (The fluff is 2 months past its freshness date, so I've dialed 9-1- on my cell)"




11. Meowrey

Name: Briana Mowrey

Best: "Good news! I found the greatest love of all inside of me! Other stuff I found inside me: sangria, Red 40, lactobacilli, tiny Dennis Quaid."




12. Lonelysandwich

Name: Adam Lisagor

Best: "I don't want to leave my office to pee because I don't think anyone knows I'm here today. On the other hand, I'm out of empties."