Recover from a weekend so sweltering, you briefly entertained the idea of seeing Speed Racer just to take advantage of two hours' worth of Americana AC, with a glance at some refreshingly chilled box office numbers:
1. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - $56.573 million
It was an easy win for the second chapter of the only major Hollywood franchise that, to our knowledge, is also a lightly encoded Christ-allegory prominently featuring a ferocious talking beaver. (We suppose a reasonable case could be made for the Basic Instinct series, but that debate is for another time. And yes, we just made a beaver joke. It's going to be that kind of Monday.) In next installment The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, the heroic young protagonists will be firmly entrenched in their gawky pubescent phase, leading to an awkward facts-of-life talk delivered by a visibly uncomfortable Aslan regarding the pile of crusty underarmor garments he found stashed in their wardrobe. Narnia forever!
2. Iron Man - $31.2 million
In a stunning testament to the power of doing enough drugs to kill a humpback whale, then stopping, then being really picky about material, the man in the iron suit becomes the first to jet-propulse across the $200 million mark in 2008.
3. What Happens in Vegas - $13.85 million
It's happened, right under your very noses: Ashton Kutcher is the Biggest Star in the Universe. Not even just this week. Always. You can react to this news in one of two ways: Accepting his rightful place as your Cougar-Chasing Lord and Reality-TV-Producing Savior, or being fated to tambourine and cowbell duty for an eternity of Fantasia performances. The choice is yours.
4. Speed Racer - $7.645 million
Some people might say Speed Racer's 59% decline is a bad sign, but we prefer to see the good in everything. So let's spin it this way: $7.645 million's worth of independently minded Americans could give a rat's ass what everyone else thinks, and wanted to see how badly this movie sucked for themselves! Either that, or the $200 bucks it cost for a sitter, tickets, snacks, and parking seemed a minor sum in exchange for getting their kids to shut up about seeing Speed Racer.
5. Baby Mama - $4.593 million
This is sort of off topic, but we'd be remiss if we didn't mention it: How fantastic is that landmark California Supreme Court decision legalizing gay pregnancy?! It's about time! Happy ovulating, fellas!