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While Indiana Jones and the Can Someone Please Tell Me What the Fuck Just Happened? was the most sought-after ticket at Cannes, it was another prostate-enlarged cinematic icon's comeback—that of Woody Allen—that would prove the festival's most triumphant. His new Vicky Cristina Barcelona, which features Javier Bardem ravaging any number of comely lasses and at least one Penelope Cruz-on-Scarlett Johansson kiss, was greeted with a ten-minute standing ovation after its Saturday screening. Director and cast were on hand to soak in the glory—but not Johansson, whom the Daily Mail reports made life a living hell for the put-upon studio workers just trying to get a little Côte d'Azur photo-op action going:

"Nobody cared she wasn't there", snapped a prominent New York socialite...

The French branch of Warner Brothers Films, distributors of Vicky Cristina Barcelona in France, had spent weeks negotiating with Johansson's representatives about flying her to Cannes. [...]

Johansson demanded her own exclusive make-up consultant at a cost of 5,000 Euros a day...Johansson wanted to be at an hotel way out in the sticks, some 25 to 30 miles away. [...]

"Also, I think, while Woody's terribly fond of Scarlett, he was a little upset that she wasn't being a team player", an executive connected to the film told the Daily Mail.

It would seem to us a sort of tragedy if the father/daughter, virginity-curious bonds that bind Allen to his frequent muse were somehow compromised by Scarlett's childish diva antics. Hopefully the actress will reign in her ballooning sense of entitlement, lest her collaborator strike back by feigning illness on the opening night of the "Anywhere I Lay My Head Tour," thus rendering an evening of Tom Waits covers virtually unlistenable due to their lack of any clarinet accompaniment.