There has been no shortage of potential cross-pollenation opportunities for Paramount Pictures over its 90 years in business, but for sheer monolithic stature and creative promise, nothing tweaks our loins quite like the just-announced Paramount Movie Park Korea. While we're mildly disappointed to hear that the park is slated for Seoul and not Pyongyang (tell us you wouldn't have been first in line for "Kim Jong Il's Marathon Man Experience"), we're glad to see the studio back in the theme-park business and eager to have a go at the 30-plus attractions planned for a 2011 opening.
Some film tie-ins (Mission: Impossible, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider) have already been announced, but a half-dozen more rumored attractions trickling out of Paramount HQ have us even more jacked:
—The Sonny Corleone Tollbooth Adventure: Buckle up and grab the phone — it's your sister Connie! Her husband's got the belt again! Swoop down the New Jersey turnpike at speeds in excess of 60 miles per hour before plunging almost 300 feet into a hail of ice water and shrieks. On your way out, purchase your photo with optional Marlon Brando Sobbing Picture Frame™: "Look how they massacred my boy!"
—The "Ow Shia's Balls" Jungle Coaster: Settle in for the ride of your crotch's life as you straddle vehicles on two tracks through the Peruvian rainforest, just like the the young hero from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Don't let the spiky jungle cacti thwacking your genitals distract you as you battle an animatronic Soviet swordstress and her Commie henchmen — it's either your balls or America, kid!
—Ash Wednesday Eye-Lift Experience: Go under the knife just like desperate housewife Liz Taylor did in her forgotten 1973 melodrama, and then leave the park with a younger date than you arrived with.
—Ripley's Believe or Not Development Vortex: See how exactly how movies aren't made as cuddly Paramount mascot Jim Carrey guides guests on a winding backlot tour of production meetings, script revisions, salary haggles and other rollicking studio inertia.
—There Will Be Fun! Daniel Plainview Musical Revue: Relive the joy and wonder of There Will Be Blood with sociopathic oil baron Plainview and your entire family. The entire history of California oil drilling gets the stage treatment with numbers including "Bastard in a Basket," "Give Me the Blood, Eli" and the famous show-stopper "(I Drink Your) Milkshake."
—Sumner Redstone: The Ride: Climb 350 feet over Seoul before a wizened finger brushes you into a terrifying freefall back to Earth. (Sorry kids! You must be taller than Tom Cruise to ride.)
Let us know if you've heard about any others!