This is a national tragedy.

Your move, Improv Everywhere.

Thanks for resisting "Whole-sen" - I wouldn't have.

This so reminds me of when we used to sell tourists bags of oregano as weed so they wouldn't take drugs and be a harm to themselves. So very philanthropic to remove the freedom of choosing for yourself.

Anyone else hear something about an earthquake in China?

I've been spitting on Greg Gutfield's lunches because I think he isn't getting spit on enough.

FAIL!

@EpponneeRae: Dammit!

Wonder the barista did with the fatties' drinks.

@Chaim Gnadelstein: Yes but, the horror! Whole milk!

Awwwwwwww. That'll be $4.75.

I heard that their dealer was concerned too, so he mixed some high-calorie IV nutritients in with their heroin.

It's nice that they've got good people watching out for them.

How the hell could they not taste the difference? If you're used to skim milk, whole milk tastes like half-and-half.

@Tammany_Fall: Mmmmm, half-and-half ...

Well, my worst nightmare is to become a self-obsessed calorie-counting freak. But to each her own, I suppose.

In college, one of my roommates was psychotically bulimic/anorexic (laxatives, ya'll!) and was obsessive about the food she ate. Well, at some point a new low fat "ice cream" came out called "Big Daddy" and it claimed that a pint of it was only 120 calories and 3 grams of fat...for the entire pint!!! Obviously, we all bought these things by the truckload and ate them morning, noon, and night. Turns out, it was too good to be true and Big Daddy was just a lie and it was really double that amount (which is still not bad). Anyways, she went into a psychotic rage and started screaming, "IVE GOTTEN SO FAT! IM SO FAT! OH MY GOD!!!" and proceeded to completely trash her entire room (including throwing her TV to the ground). She then came in my room and said "Ok, so secret's out - I have a little bit of an eating disorder, I take laxatives everyday, and I work out 3 hours a day and count my calories." I was like "Um, I know...I live with you. I think you need to get help. I'll be there for you in anyway you need me to be." The next day she acted like nothing happened and pretending that the conversation never took place. She's still fucked in the head, but she found some idiot on jdate to marry her.

@Tammany_Fall: probably just thought that sbux was really good coffee and that's why they kept going.

OMG you guys it's a good thing it wasn't Emily Brill because then she MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD FOR HER PURPOSES!!!11!!

Also, this is why I stand like a hawk next to the Starbucks employee (I refuse to say "barrista"...its way too close to "barrister") to make sure they use the "non fat milk" pitcher. Don't worry, I smile and say "thanks" and ask them how they are doing in an attempt to steer their attention away from my insanity.

@valarmorghulis: Sbux always fries the fuck out of the milk anyway, so maybe they couldn't tell.

ha! not ashamed to say that i used to do the same thing when i was 18 and a "barista" at the bitchiest starbucks in nyc - 86th/lex. i would also purposefully burn the milk to take my revenge on picky UES housewives, whose only purpose in life was to torture starbucks baristas with their demanding orders. "tall no-foam vanilla skim latte." "i said NO FOAM" "NO FOAM!!!!" yeah, you'll feel it later bitches.

This is like the time I put regular instead of light mayo on Mama Cass's ham sandwich.

@scroll_lock: Or when I left Donna Summer's cake out in the rain.

@ravishankar: What's the point? Just get a cafe au lait, you stroller pushing harpy.

@scroll_lock: Liar.

Her condiment of choice was liquefied fatback.

Methinks a certain barista def deserves the Humanitarian of the Year award.

@Tammany_Fall: Or the time I slipped Ex-Lax into Karen Carpenter's chocolate brownies.

Perhaps the extra milkfat was easier on the throat when she purged afterward.

@Sarcastro: She was trying to drop a few libbs but her heart wasn't really in it.

Besides, that was nothing compared to the time I switched Wilford Brimley's usual coffee for Folger's Crystals.

@scroll_lock: Or when I served Stumpy Joe from Spinal Tap a bottle of my vomit.

@Tammany_Fall: I wish I was organized enough to have some of mine on hand in bottles. *sigh*

Reminds me of the time I asked Bud Dwyer to take care of my gun for a few days.

Truly, the worst nightmare ever.

Once working in a Starbux dreary, while I barristaed weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious cup of pumpkin latte,
While I steamed, nearly foaming, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping near the floor.
"'Tis a tiny acress," I muttered, "tapping at my cash register.
Only this, and nothing more."

Then this tiny bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance she wore,
"Though thy bikini be shorn and shaven, thou," I said, "art sure no culture failure.
Ghastly slim and frail screen player wandering from the Nightly clubbing,
Tell me thou wishes some calories to store!"
Quoth the actress, "Nevermore."

@scroll_lock: Hopefully, you didn't use real sugar, as he has the di-UH-bee-tus.

Also, Bud Dwyer was an administrator at my college before he became treasurer and blew his head off. "This thing could hurt somebody," quoth the Bud.

There's a whole vein of humor to be expoited her involving milk mustaches, "whole" milk and slipping things to women unbidden, but I'm too classy for that.

@Sarcastro: I added three jiggers of high fructose corn syrup, just like Nell Carter liked it.

I had no idea you were six degrees of separation from Bud Dwyer, servicey! I always told him he'd get in trouble someday by shooting his mouth off.

@Sarcastro: I gave Abraham Lincoln my theater tickets because I had to go to my cousin's bar mitzvah.

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Girl," said I, "or madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is, I was crapping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly your Manolos came tapping, tapping on my pergo floor,
That I scarce was sure I heard you." Here I scanned wide the entire store;---
Wifi there, and nothing more.

Back behind the counter turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping, something louder than before,
"Surely," said I, "surely, that was an order for a latte.
Let me see, then, what threat is, and this mystery explore.
Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore.
" 'Tis the wifi, and nothing more."

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a starving actress, of the tgif days of yore.
Not the least obesity made she; not a minute stopped or stayed she;
But with mien of lord or lady, perched on a couch in my store.
Parched she was and looking peckish, "Eat a sandwich" I implored,
She perched, and sat, and nothing more.

@BaconCat: Ooops, that was a continuance of BadUncles excellent adaptation.

@JinxyMcDeath: "Roommate," eh?

I've actually yelled (in jest), "Hey! What are you trying to say?" to the girls who make me my morning coffee (in the deli downstairs from my office) when they've put milk into it instead of the half-and-half I ask for.
True story.

hey there barista, hope you enjoy your 15 minutes

you know after finding out about the "whole milk debacle"... the twins have locked themselves in their mansions and vowed to do as many crunches as it takes to burn off those excess milk calories....

@ZiggyStardust: Meth, obviously.

@JinxyMcDeath: As a former java jock, I promise that your standing nearby will not prevent a bitter and/or drunk* Starbucks employee from screwing with your drink.

*Drunkeness is the best-kept barista secret. Think about it: 8 hour shifts during which you have unrestricted access to a huge range of mixers and commercial blenders. Though when lazy, it was just beer in a grande cup.

@Tammany_Fall: Or the time I replaced Ben Stein's Visine with a minced onion.

I did this too as a barista (though never to an Olsen). I only switched it up for the gaunt women who considered a non-fat double shot as their main source of sustenance. I would also convert whole milk to non-fat for those perhaps suffering from a glandular condition (which drove them to add shots of flavored sugar syrup and whipped cream to mask the fact that they were drinking espresso). From what I can tell, I wasn't alone in this, I didn't work at Starbuck's but even at the mom and pop cafes the baristas do it.

I used to put lots of extra malt powder in the shakes for sorority girls at the diner I worked at in college. It didn't do a bit of good...I'm still single, trying to feed my self and my three cats in this crappy economy and they're probably married to wealthy investment bankers, they don't have to work except work out to make sure they're thin for all the fancy functions they have to attend in their pretty dresses from Escada and make sure their dangly diamonds hang just-so from their tiny earlobes.
*damn them all*

Dude, I'll bet she's now got Micha Barton cottage-thighs lurking under those leggings. Thanks, SBUX!

My favorite Starbucks trick ... when my stupid coworkers would see me going out to get coffee, they would all glom on and say "Get me a frappucino," to where I had to get four or five drinks instead of my one frickin' cup. Yeah, I know, I'm a selfish ass. Anyway, I would do add shots for them, since they couldn't taste the extra espresso, then upped it to two. Soon they were saying, "No coffee for me, it keeps me up all night." Tee hee.

First the Austrian incest gang rape Dungeon Dad, and now THIS. GREAT, AMERICA. JUST GREAT.

When I worked for the biggest and most important catering company in the city many moons ago all the skinny social xrays would ask for decaf after dinner at the opera or the met or any other big charity event,I made sure they got full strength.