Sometimes I find something that's been wallowing in the Internet for years like an abandoned pet crocodile, such as these stories by a guy named Dave. They're all in caps so for the front page I'll just give you one line: "EVERY GODDAMNED CHRISTMAS MY DAD AND MY UNCLE RON GET INTO IMPORTANT ARGUMENTS ABOUT POLITICS AND THE BEST AIRPORTS IN ZURICH AND WHICH PRESIDENTS ARE ASSHOLES IN PERSON AND THAT SORT OF THING." Below, one of the shorter stories.
SO I'M ON THE BUS FOR SOME GODDAMNED REASON AND I AM LISTENING CAREFULLY TO THE CONVERSATION IN FRONT OF ME, HELD BETWEEN THIS BLOWSY SULKY GIRL WHO IS CLEARLY DOMINATING THE SITUATION AND HER 'BOYFRIEND', A SCRAWNY LOOKING MESS NEAR TEARS. THE FOLLOWING IS ALMOST VERBATIM.
SCRAWNY MESS: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'VE CHEATED ON ME?!
BLOWSY GIRL: I CHEATED ON YOU.
SCRAWNY MESS: (SNIFFLING MISERABLY) BUT.. BUT.. YOU CHEATED ON ME?
BLOWSY GIRL: (ALMOST INDIGNANTLY) YES.
SCRAWNY MESS: (TEARS FORMING) FOR HOW LONG?
BLOWSY GIRL: (WITH A HINT OF SATISFACTION) ABOUT A YEAR.
SCRAWNY MESS: (TEARS WELLING UP) OHHHHH NOOOO.
SCRAWNY MESS PAUSES TO REFLECT. THE BOY IS A VERITABLE DISTILLERY AT THIS POINT AND YOU CAN JUST TELL SOME SORT OF ULTIMATUM IS COMING. HE MASTERS HIS EMOTIONS AND BECOMES VERY STILL. I AM EXPECTING HIM TO GET ALL KUNG FU ON THIS GIRL. INSTEAD HE TURNS TO HER, WIPES THE TEARS FROM HIS EYES AND SAYS "STRIKE ONE, NANCY... STRIKE ONE."
As someone in this thread says, "the caps make me feel like i'm running really fast with dave and he is yelling to me because you have to yell when you run and when you do it always sounds super important."